And what now? Dating again?
Yup. It’s Mom-dating time.
You spent the first part of your life gearing up to this family thing and now your life has changed completely. And now you to find new friends ASAP and get back into the field.
And it can be So. Much. Worse.
Because now you are hormonal, exhausted, lonely, bored, and oh so very NEEDY.
It hurts even to just write that.
When I had my first baby I was a mess. Beyond the exhaustion, nursing went so awfully that at some point my mother said – “please just quit. You need to stop seeing your son as a predator.”
I was not quite dating material…
But let’s back up. Because the dating doesn’t start in those first months. That’s when we think we can just continue life as usual – going to brunch, seeing late music shows, going to friends’ parties with baby in tow.
“I’m a cool mom!” you say to yourself. “I am still fun. I still do all the stuff I did before. And my baby is so chill! She just comes along for the ride!”
And then it hits hard.
The isolation. The loneliness. And if your other friends haven’t had babies yet, well then you’re on your own.
So what do we do? We mom date.
We go to classes, we hang at cafes, we chat on FB groups, and we put new found energy into finding our mom buddy.
We work so damn hard to conduct a conversation while seeming SUPER COOL about the fact that the baby just spit up on our sweater, won’t eat from the right side and the left side is dry, and we just left our phone in the cab along with our BRAIN.
We nonchalantly sit in the cafe across from our date going over our mental check-list:
- Did she lose it when the paci fell on the floor and someone stepped on it while walking by or did she laugh it off?
- Did she just make a funny joke about the face her baby made, but not in a way that makes it seem like she thinks her baby is overly SPECIAL in any way?
- Does she talk about anything OTHER than her baby but nothing too clever or referencing something we no longer are in touch with?
- Can we talk about sleep and how to get it without hearing about her last night down to the minute?
- Is she falling apart in front of our eyes and seems like a nice person but maybe in a month or so?
– or, the evil of all evils –
6. Does she seem like the PERFECT MOM?
Ugh. She’s got her shit together. She has the cute diaper bag. Somehow she looks fresh as a bunny and doesn’t look haggard or exhausted. Is that make up she is wearing? Are her NAILS F*CKING DONE??
Nope. She’s not the one.
You know why? Because there is no perfect mom.
Here’s a secret. The perfect mom is the one you don’t know well. And that mom? She has her break down moments in the middle of the night alone, or on those twice daily conversations with her mom, or sobbing during SNL.
You know what YOU need for your friend?
The mom who isn’t afraid to say that it SUCKS. That it is hard, and that she has no clue what she is doing.
You need the mom who won’t judge you– who in fact will tell you what a great job you are doing even when you cry as you are telling her how hard it was to carry the groceries home while the baby shrieked and you had to pee so very desperately and knew you wouldn’t be able to for a good hour.
Here’s the real checklist you need when you go on your next mom date:
- Is she willing to be real, honest, vulnerable, supportive and IMPERFECT?
That’s your match mama. Now make sure that you are doing the same.
Have you gone on the perfect mom date recently? Or the mom date from hell? Let us know. Comment below.
Do you have a friend who needs to hear what her checklist should look like as she searches for her mama tribe? Send this email to her and tell her to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In for more.
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