Category Archives: Parenting

My Resolution for 2023 (and what I’ve learned about parenting in Israel)

Dear Tunester, Today I give you my resolution for 2023 and what I learned about parenting from living in Israel for the last year and a half.

 

Happy new year dear Tunester! It’s 2023! Do you have a resolution for this year? Here’s mine…

A friend of mine was over recently when she asked my eldest, whose arms were crossed in front of his chest, what was written on his shirt. He grunted and didn’t make a move to bring his arms down.

I waited a second, and then instinctively reached over and opened his arms.

My friend shot me a disapproving look and said- “Why did you do that?” 

And I thought – Why had I done that? It’s not like my friend had a burning curiosity about the shirt (which, by the way, was adorable. It had a picture of a guitar and a ukulele and the guitar was saying to the uke – “Uke, I am your father.”) She was just trying to engage him in a non-threatening way. 

Meanwhile, I was stuck in a moment of anxiety – I so wanted him to be personable with her, for her to love him, for him to love her, that without realizing it I intervened and possibly made him feel uncomfortable.

And that leads me to the lesson I’ve learned during my last year and a half in israel – let the kids be.

 

So My Resolution for 2023 – 
LET THE KIDS BE. 

 

And along with it, because our attitude to our kids is completely intertwined with our attitude to ourselves,

LET MYSELF BE.

This lesson is contrary to every grain in my body – I was raised in a family where success is expected and prowess is to be displayed. I was also raised in the US where life is showy. Instagram perfectly showcases family success, parenting wins, vacation fun, career accomplishments.

I come by it honestly. It’s in my genes and my Levi’s jeans. But being in Israel has challenged that.

Letting the kids be means not getting caught up in how my son’s behavior looks to others, what he should or shouldn’t be doing.

It means having a clear sense of where my job begins and where it ENDS. As a mom, my job is to keep the kids safe, give them love, and slowly teach skills that will help them live independently and have a gratifying life.

It is NOT to ensure their success or achievements, to manipulate how others see them, or to make them seem cool, smart, beautiful, charming, talented, in the eyes of others.

Letting the kids be means trusting their process completely. When your baby cries through dinner at a restaurant, your toddler whines at music class, your kid is challenged at school, or your pre-teen doesn’t have a social life or is acting out at home, it means accepting them AS IS while continuing to do your job (safety, love, teach skills.)

It’s tempting to make a sweeping, Bringing Up Bebe-type statement about Israeli culture and the way they raise their kids, but my research sample is narrow. 

I can say that from what I’ve seen, Israeli parents are very trusting of their kids. School age kids roam around the neighborhood on their own, and highschoolers have co-ed sleepovers. My son’s highschool gives them 3 “mental health days” that they can use any time during the year to skip school.

Also, if you’ve never been to Israel, you might be shocked to see teenagers in the army wielding rifles on the crosstown bus 😳

 

In America, from my experience, the child is held under the parents wing for longer, and along with it comes the feeling that the kids’ successes are interlinked with the parents’.

When I was living in New York I remember feeling a need for my kids to be perceived a certain way – smart, active, social. It probably had a lot to do with my stage of motherhood, my community, and everything to do with who I am.

 

But this year I’ve been available to learn a new way. My husband has played a big part. He’s been instrumental in teaching me to let myself be because he does it so effortlessly. Here’s a song I recently wrote about it.

Even in the midst of my current midlife identity crisis, I’ve been able to be more patient and compassionate to myself. 

 

That’s why you’re only getting this New Years post now, two days after 2023 began. Because I let myself be. I didn’t disrupt our family’s weekend or end of year celebrations. I knew there would be time to circle back around and connect to you all.

 

So dear Tunester, what can you do this year to let your kids be? To trust their process and growth even if it looks different from what you expect? They’re wonderful, they’re doing exactly what they need to be doing, and your love is allowing them to be exactly who they are.

Love,

Vered

P.S. After I wrote this I went back and looked at my resolution for 2022 to see how/if I’ve grown. It’s similar,  I take it a step further this year in a way I couldn’t have imagined.

Feeling second child guilt? Try THIS

Dear Tunester, today let’s talk about what to do when you’re feeling second child guilt – that you’re not giving attention to your eldeset once the baby comes along. 

If you have more than one kid you know the torture of Attention Divided. The guilt! The yearning! 

Every minute feels like a modern parent’s Sophie’s Choice – do I tend to the toddler crying by the slide or the baby who needs to nurse asap? Do I leave the toddler in the living room and spend the time I know it will take to put the baby down in the crib? Do I play another game with the toddler while ignoring the baby in the bouncy seat?

The constant weighing is enough to drive a mama insane.

There is only one cure for this predicament:

Reducing your attention to ONE – spending time with each kid one on one.

Perhaps right away you’re thinking – impossible! I don’t have time for that! I barely have enough time to make dinner, never mind a blessed yoga class.

But dear Tunester, your date can be short. And with the hack I’m about to give you, it will still be impactful for all.

How to make a date with your kid count

Your date doesn’t have to be long for your kid’s love cup to be filled, and for YOUR cup to be filled so you can do away with some of the guilt.

Of course, excursions like going to a museum or movie are exciting. But they’re not practical on a weekly basis.

Here are some short mini-date ideas:

  1. Going to have a hot chocolate at the coffee shop.
  2. Going to the park to collect leaves.
  3. Sitting in a separate room and drawing together.
  4. Taking a bikeride.
  5. Even going food shopping.

Now here’s the important part.

Your date needs to FEEL special. It has to give your child the feeling that you’re putting down everything to be with them. They want your undivided attention whether it’s for 15 minutes, 30 minutes or an hour.

How to make a shift from normal day to day to Date Time.

The best way to kick off your date and make it clear to your child that you are theirs for the next period of time is with a SONG.

Your song will do many things. It will:

  1. Make the transition clear from regular life to date time. 
  2. Make things feel light and happy.
  3. Put YOU in the mood and remind you to shift your focus.
  4. Develop a “together song” that you’ll share with this child and will have forever.

Having a song that you only sing every time you start your Together Time will make it feel special and will help you both shift your mood and your focus to each other.

So what’s your song going to be?

Here are some ideas:

  1. You are my sunshine (my version 🙂
  2. Together at last (Annie)
  3. We go together (Grease)
  4. Better Together (Jack Johnson)
  5. Together Forever (Rick Astley)
  6. Happy Together (The Turtles)
  7. I Want to Hold Your Hand (Beatles)
  8. The More We Get Together (Rafi)
  9. A Bushel and a Peck (Doris Day)
  10.  Just the Two of Us (Bill Withers)
  11. Make one up!

Here’s my promise to you:

If you actually do this, and sing your song every time you set out on a date together, no matter how long it is, this song will become magical for you both.

It will set the tone for togetherness for years to come.

Once you’re on your date, try this game to make your child feel adored and appreciated.

Speaking of siblings, do you need some ways to help your kiddos get along? Try these 10 hacks.

So dear Tunester, what do you think? will you try to have a date song to kick off your time together? Which will you use?

Do you have a friend riddled with second-kid guilt right about now who needs to hear this? Send this their way! Tell them to sign up for more helpful tips in the future.

 

3 fresh activities to do with your 6-12 month old baby

Dear Tunester, today you’ll learn 3 fresh activities to do with your 6-12 month old baby that will boost their development and amuse you both.

When I had small babies at home they changed so quickly that last week’s favorite activity quickly became old news. I scrambled to find new ways to stretch my baby’s mind and, more importantly, amuse us both.

So today I’ll offer 3 new ways to keep you both happily busy. But first – a question to figure out their stage of development – 

If you take something away from your baby – do they look for it?

If they’ve started to show some signs of searching for a hidden toy, then they’ve hit an important milestone that psychologists call Object Permanence.

What does it mean to become aware of object permanence? 

That your baby is learning and sensing that something continues to exist even when they can no longer see it.

That’s a big deal!! This development affects their cognitive, emotional and social development. 

Here’s a quick rundown and how it affects their development. Then, scroll down to learn three activities your baby will love right about now.

  1. Social.
    Knowing an object continues to exist means knowing that YOU continue to exist even after you leave. Has your baby been crying more as you leave? If so, they may no longer accept it as a given. Now they have the knowledge that when they don’t see you you’re somewhere, just not with them.
    Your baby’s disovery might be distressing for them at fist (and for you to hear their crying,) but its a necessary leap in their growth.
  2. Cognitive.
    When your baby was an infant they were completely egocentric. Meaning, they couldn’t conceptualize a world that existed separate from their experience and point of view.
    As they’ve grown your baby has been able ot develop a mental representation of things. Meaning, when you say banana they can imagine a banana in their mind even though they don’t see one in front of them.
  3. Emotional.
    When you take a toy away form your baby they might not cry as they did before. Instead, they’re able to contain they’re frustration and set about looking for where the toy went. That’s a big step in starting to manage difficult emotions and problem solve.

Now let’s talk about activities you can do that will spark your baby’s interest, develop their curiosity, and help them manage emotions that come with this new burgeoning awareness.

The Magician 

Step 1 – put a small object on the table. Let your baby see it and touch it. then cover it with an upside down cup. Can your baby find the object? If not, teach your baby what happened. Show them the steps again. Reveal the object underneath. Your baby might need several repetitions of this activity. 

If your baby can find the object underneath, try step 2.

Step 2 – Take 3 cups and 1 small object. Now bring out your inner streetside magician. Put all of the cups upside down with one of them over the small object. Let your baby explore and find the object.

Peekaboo Variation

Peekaboo is wonderful for helping your baby practice object permanence and separation and reunion with you. Let’s try it a little differently this time.

Instead of you or or baby hiding behind a scarf as you usually do, use a doll or puppet and put the scarf over the puppet. Let the puppet say – “where is baby? Where are you?” And let your baby reveal the doll.

To add animals and even more fun to your peekaboo, try using this song.

Hidden Treasure

For this activity you need is a box/basket/bowl. You’re going to fill your box with various objects – a beloved toy, day to day objects your baby doesn’t often see or play with, a book they love.

For the younger babies who are just learning object permanence, leave an object exposed so your baby knows to look under the cloth.

For the older babies cover the basket completely and hand it to your baby. Let them discover and explore the objects one by one. Then, put them all back in and do it again.

 

Which of these activities did your baby respond to most? Could you see their wheels turning as they were trying to understand where the objects went? Comment below and let me know.

In the middle of playing and your baby needs a diaper change? Try this hack to make it much easier and more enjoyable for you both.

How to hack diaper changing

Dear Tunester, today you’re going to learn a way to make diaper changing go from struggle to smooth sailing.

I bet you didn’t realize how deep in shit you would be as a parent, in more ways than one. But today let’s focus on the literal.

How many times a day do you deal POOP? Checking, smelling, changing, and cleaning…A LOT.

Now if you’ve got a pre-crawler diaper changing might still be somewhat chill. But if your baby is on the move it may have already turned into a wrestling match.

So what do you do? It’s simple.

Use a Diaper-Changing Song.

Yup, sing while you wipe. It can be about pee, poop, diapers or anything really. A Diaper-Changing Song is part-reminder, part-timer.

Here’s why it will work:

1. It lets your baby know that changing is about to happen.

If you start to sing your diaper-changing song as you are bringing the diaper and as you start to undress the baby, then your baby will know it’s coming. Part of what they hate so much is that you are interrupting their play. It’s like my kids protesting when I call them to dinner – “Wait a minute! I’m in the middle!”  A song can let your baby know that they’re about to be changed.

2. It can be a time keeper.

Babies are intuitively musical. Whithin a few times of singing your song, your baby will start to recognize it. Not only that, they’ll understand  know the beginning, the middle and the end. Babies seem to understand song structure. Often in my groups, babies as young as eight months old start to clap toward the end of the song because they know it’s about to end. Use the song as a way to tell your baby how long the diaper changing will take. It will behave like a sand timer and your baby will feel a bit more in control.

Don’t have a Diaper-Changing Song? Let’s make it happen.

It’s possible that you already have a song but you don’t think about it as one. Do you ever find yourself singing silly ditties about poop, not peeing in your face or staying still? That’s all I’m talking about.

Don’t overthink it. You can write a silly ditty on your own. Start by noticing what you say as you’re changing your baby’s diaper. If you usually say, “Please don’t pee on me” or “You are a poopy head,” then put that in the song. It could look something like this:

“You’re my little poopy head
Let’s go get you clean
But baby hold still –
And please don’t pee on me”

I am sure you can come up something better than that. It’s really about noticing the melody you already use in your speech when you’re speaking to your baby.

Imagine how you would say – “Come here stinky pants.” Probably with a little sing-song in your voice. Use that for your ditty!

Remember – it doesn’t have to win a Grammy. But if you’re able to write a short song that you sing every time you go to change your baby’s diaper, the task will become so much easier. Not only that, you’ll be one step ahead and ready for the squirmy stage.

So dear Tunester, what song makes your life easier at the changing table? COMMENT below and let me know.

Can it top: “Wipe wipe wipe your butt / gently wipe the stream”? Do tell. I love to hear what little ones respond to. Comment below.

Want to use a changing song I wrote? Try this one.

Did you catch last week’s post in which I shared the 5 things I would never do as a therapist of babies and parents? Check it out here.

Before your next diaper change … Share this Tuesday Tune-In.
Be the person who gives another parent this useful idea. Forward this email their way and tell them to sign up for more below.

5 things I would never do as a therapist who works with parents and babies

Today you’ll learn the 5 things I would never do as a therapist who works with parents and babies and a mom of 3.

Dear Tunester,

If I had a baby today oh what a mom I’d be…

Don’t we all have perfect vision in hindsight? There are so many things I know today that I was clueless about back then. Important things! If I could only go back and talk to that frazzled and overwhelmed mama with an infant in her hands and a toddler jumping on the sofa… 

But dear Tunester, I can’t do that. So the next best thing is to tell YOU all and hope that my wisdom, born of my professional experience and my never-ending search to be a better mama can help you through this time a bit.

A recent trend on TikTok had professionals giving short bits of useful advice from their years of experience in the field.  I learned that doctors in the ER would never let their kids jump on a trampoline, and that a dentist would never drink out of a beer bottle in a crowded bar. 

So here are mine (To see the post on Tik Tok click here):

5 things I would never do as a therapist who works with parents and babies.

 

1. I’d never get too obsessed about my baby’s schedule. 

I really wish I could have told myself this one years ago when I had my first. I approached my baby’s schedule like an army general grasping for some order. 

15:00 – Meal time!

 T-4 – Sleep time!

Who was I kidding? The baby was my commander. 

By my third I realized that the schedule eventually falls into place. The real work is finding the balance between following the baby’s lead and nudging their sleep and eating windows into consistent times when possible. Until of course they shift their schedule once again.

What I’ve seen from myself and you all over and over is that obsessing over ANYTHING baby related takes away from our bonding with our baby. Meaning, it shifts our focus from a flexible, open minded approach to a goal-oriented one. 

Obsessing over the schedule is like being on a nature hike and burying your head in the map instead of enjoying the way the sun flickers through the trees and the salamander scurrying across your path

2. I’d never take on all the baby parenting tasks because I don’t like the way my partner does it.

I’ve seen this one over and over. One parent (often the mom but not always), feels that the other doesn’t know how to put the baby to sleep, change the diaper the right way, or soothe effectively. Usually the parent giving the critique is the one who spends more time with the baby and has had more opportunities for trial and error. They’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, and when their partner tries the method that has failed, they can’t help but intervene – “not like that! Forget it, I’ll just do it myself”.

But what happens is disaster – the main parent takes on more and more tasks and the other parent slowly gives over control – having even less chance to practice and losing even more confidence.

The only way to avoid this pitfall is for the main parent to step away for stretches of time and let their partner become an expert in their own way. The more time they’ll have alone with the baby, the more empowered they’ll feel.

3. I’d never keep my feelings about isolation, depression and anxiety to myself.

Even with increasing awareness about postpartum depression, moms still feel shame when it rolls around. It’s so hard to parse apart – are we overwhelmed because of lack of sleep? The extreme lifestyle change? The monotony of the day? The isolation? Or the hormones? Our internal voice often says – that’s just how motherhood is I guess.

But keeping it to ourselves makes us feel even more isolated and anxious as the days go on, which makes us plummet even further. The fact is that all new parents feel some degree of anxiety, depression and isolation when their baby is born. Post partum depression can look very different for each person. For me, it showed up as anxiety. For someone else, it may look like sadness. Not sharing how we feel with others can increase our feeling that something is wrong with us and make us feel even worse  in an already difficult time.

4. I’d never judge another parent for doing something that seems wrong to me.

Over the years, I’ve found that the things that we feel most strongly about when it comes to parenting, the declarations we make about how we’ll behave as parents  (when I’m a parent, I’ll never do… or my kids will be…) are the ones that come back to bite us in the diaper.

Once we’ve actually got the unsoothable baby in our arms, or have experienced our 24th night in a row of poor sleep, we surprise ourselves with the decisions we make just to stay afloat. parenting a baby is hard and everyone is just doing their best. 

That said if you see someone doing something concerning ask questions. See if your assumptions are justified.

5. I’d never insist on one philosophy or one approach.

You know why there are so many books on parenting? Because there is not ONE WAY that is best. For instance, you can find endless approaches for how to get your baby to sleep. At this point we don’t have the magic answer.

Not only that, your baby is constantly changing, and their needs shift daily . Taking care of a baby demands that we be flexible all the time and be sensitive to our own needs as much as the baby’s. Committing to one parenting approach means listening to a book created for the average baby instead of taking cues from the very unique baby in your arms and the relationship unfolding between you both.

To read the 9 things I wish someone had said to me when I had my baby, click here.

So there you have it. That’s my list. What would you add to it? Comment below and let me know.

Do you have a friend who could use these 5 Don’t Dos right now? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more to come.

 

What it’s like to think like your baby

Dear Tunester,  today let’s dive into the minds of our babies and see how it is to think like them.

Imagine you just entered a wild costume party, in a circus, with musicians playing music in every corner.

Senses overload! What do you look at first? Your eyes dart from one costume to the next, you gaze up at the trapeze artists, and your ears strain to hear the different types of music.

That’s how babies feel in the world all the time.

It’s hard for us to imagine it because we’ve learned how to focus on one thing at a time. Not only that, we’ve become accustomed to most things in the world. It takes a lot to surprise us. But your baby is in a state of constantly taking in ALL of the newness around them.

Alison Gopnick, a researcher who looks at child development, says that babies are bad at narrowing down their focus to just one thing but very good at taking in lots of information from different sources at once.

They’re flooded with neurotransmitters that induce learning and plasticity but don’t have inhibitory parts of their brain activated yet.

When people say that babies can’t pay attention it’s more that they’re bad at paying attention to one thing”. Gopnick says. Babies are taking in all things at once.

Adult brains behave differently.

If you entered that circus scenario, your consciousness would expand to take in everything at once too. That’s why new experiences like those feel so memorable and full of adventure.

But we can’t survive in that realm all the time. Adults need to get stuff done! And that takes planning, narrowing down our focus, and a lot of executive function.

Your baby is a scientist collecting data.

Your baby is not concerned with planning for the future. They’re concerned with figuring out how the world in front of them works. I’m sure you’ve noticed this. You can actually see them weighing objects, feeling shapes, assessing temperatures, experimenting with gravity, and identifying patterns.

In an organization babies would be part of the Research and Development team – they’re constantly learning and gathering information. We adults, on the other hand, are here to put that information to good use.

How can we use this information?

Because babies learn through observation, imitation and experimentation, we need to give them plenty of hands on opportunities to do so. 

So Parent, don’t worry if you’re not showing them alphabet flashcards and giving them math drills. Your job is simply to give them space to explore the world, to speak to them (or read to them like this), sing to them, and delight in their surprise with them.

They’ve got their senses open and are ready to take it all in. But don’t be surprised when they meltdown after short periods of time or wake up after short bouts of sleep. Their brains are on overload.

So what’s it like to think like a baby?

It’s like being in love in Paris for the first time after you’ve had three double espressos. That’s a fantastic way to be but it does tend to leave you waking up crying at 3 oclock in the morning.”

Alison Gopnick

Do you have a friend who’d like to know more about how her baby thinks? Send her this blog and tell her to sign up for more below.

Are you on TikTok? Come find me! I post daily videos there on how to connect with your baby.

 

Have you noticed how your baby thinks? Comment below and let me know.

How to weather the September storm

Dear Tunester,

The Sand castles and barbecues have been great, but I’m counting down the days, no, the HOURS until my kids go to school. I need some quiet time in the house without running a food stand and a cleaning service.

That said, I’m bracing myself, because no matter how much I promise that this year will be different, September always arrives like a tornado swirling the pieces of me along with it.  “I won’t lose my north this year! I’ll stay calm! I’ve learned from the past!” I say, and then it happens, once again. 

But dear parents of babies, don’t think you’re spared just because you don’t have school aged kids. We all go back to school in September. It’s been ingrained in us since childhood, and the storm’s a-comin’ for you too.

Here’s how you know: Have you been feeling itchier? Searching your home trying to remember what you were even looking for? feeling like you’re supposed to be busy doing something but don’t know what?

It’s natural. We’re like animals in the wild feeling the winds about to shift and getting antsy. But have no fear, I’m here to empathize and provide some wisdom from seasons past.

How to Weather the September Storm:

 

  1. The Inevitable Mess.
    Prepare as you may, the storm will hit, and your plans will most likely deviate. So think of planning not so much as an effort to keep things operating perfectly as a way to make everything
    slightly less of a shit show. Preparing for the inevitable mess won’t make it easier but at least it will reduce the element of surprise.
  2. Identity Crisis.
    Maybe I’m the only one, but I find that September tends to bubble up big questions like – who am I again? What am I doing with my life? What do I feel passionate about (besides the baby)? And then – why don’t I know the answer to these questions at this point? I should KNOW!
    Knowing that an annual midlife crisis is inescapable is like greeting your PMS after years of experience. You’re no less irritable, but you know that within a couple days you won’t want to kill every person in sight anymore.
  3. Super Mama Syndrome.
    September seems to plug in my Super Mama chord that’s been laying dormant behind the heater during the summer. Suddenly it’s activated, and I have to make
    changes, things need to improve – the kids can’t watch so much screens! They need more sleep! We need a new evening routine! Mornings should have a work flow! And  all the discarded mantras, prayers, rose buds and thorns, are resolutely initiated once again.
    After years of this I’ve come to accept that October can be the month of all my parenting goals. In September I only go for the acheivable bare necessities.
    For more on how to keep your own sanity this month check out this post.
  4. Baby Bonding Perk.
    Here’s a September bonus – re-bonding with the baby. Whether you have a toddler going back to school, or a partner whose work is picking up again, you’ll relish in the quiet mornings with your sweet baby who may have gotten ignored under the beach umbrella as you chased your toddler down the beach or allowed yourself a moment of actual relaxation.
    Now you get to stare at your baby once again, study how their lips move and their nose scrunches, guilt free, without anyone else vying for your attention.
    Want a baby bonding cheerleader? I’m your girl. Follow me on TikTok and Instagram for daily activity tips and emotional support.
  5. Isolation  Desperation.
    Along with the sweetness of peace and quiet also comes loneliness. Yes, you’ve got time with your baby, but now you hark back to those chaotic family filled evenings when you craved alone time. Your afternoons get a little longer, the witching hour starts earlier and earlier.
    I’ve got a simple cure for this one – I invite you to join our Baby in Tune classes. Beyond learning great tips on how to have easier nights and joyful days with your baby, its a place to make your best mama friend. We’ve got in person classes in NY and a Zoom class starting in October that I’ll be teaching. Click here to find our schedule.

 

So dear Tunie, do you feel the September Storm coming on? HOw do you handle it? Comment and let me know below.

Do you have a friend who could use some September Support? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more.

My baby is growing too fast!

Dear Tunester, you’re doing it. Your connection with your baby is growing daily. You feel it deeply as you lay together on the floor, sunlight dancing on the rug, making faces to each other and giggling and cooing. You inhale the moment. It’s beautiful and magical.

But the moment is suddenly broken. Into your mind enters an unwanted guest: Lady Bittersweet. 

Nothing jolts you out of the present like Lady Bittersweet. “This moment is so fleeting, enjoy it as much as you possibly can.” she whispers. “Don’t they look bigger already? They’re going to outgrow that onesie soon, you know”.  She knows exactly what weepy buttons to push.  

And suddenly you’ve gone from enjoying a sweet moment of connection with your baby to feeling guilty for reading an article during your morning coffee. What a waste! You should have been staring into their eyes, smelling their breath, and memorizing every new strand on their head!

Why is it that sometimes, the deeper we are in the moment, the harder Lady Bittersweet can hit? And next thing you know you’re feeling a longing for what you’re currently enjoying?

Today’s thoughts are about how you can acknowledge her, give her a gentle nod, and go back to enjoying your baby . Or in other words, how can you avoid spiraling into parent guilt and mentally leaving your baby to lash out at yourself?

I have a few ideas that have helped me in those moments. Hopefully they can help you as well. 

How to usher Lady Bittersweet out the door

1. Yes, AND

We tend to make order of the chaos by dividing and contrasting. It’s this or thatmaybe this, but probably that…definitely this, not that. But rarely do we allow ourselves to say yes, this…and that. “Yes, my baby won’t be a baby forever, and I can still enjoy this beautiful moment while allowing myself my own peace”.  If we try to push aside or stifle Lady Bittersweet, she’ll just come back stronger. But we can hear what she has to say, appreciate it, and go back to enjoying the moment that’s here.

 

2. Balance!

Do you have a favorite food? I could eat smoothies, popcorn, and an excellente guacamole all day every day. But that would be a terrible idea! Not only would I be ignoring other things that my body needs, my enjoyment of those foods would soon wane. 

If you force yourself to spend every moment of every day in hyperfocus on and appreciation of your baby – it will become a chore (as many baby caring moments are), instead of a priviledge. Enjoy your morning coffee and article, or whatever your practice is, knowing that it will allow you to approach your connection to your baby refreshed and in earnest. 

 

3. Make your own peace with time

Your baby grows from nothing to a full person in the first year and witnessing that can feel like a clock constantly held up in front of your face saying- Time is going by so fast! 

And you now what that reminds you? That YOU’RE getting old!

One of the ways you can combat Lady Bittersweet about your baby is to acknowledge and quiet that voice about yourself. What would that look like for you? It means something different for everyone. For me it means doing Invisalign this year. It’s my way of saying to myself – You’re young! You have many years of smiling ahead.

What action can you take that will be your way of saying – time can pass but I’ll be young forever.

 

4. Open your senses to your baby

To retether yourself to the moment with your baby, focus on how your baby feels, sounds, smells, tastes. Touch them, listen closely, Imitate what they are doing, the expressions and sounds they’re making.  Don’t think about reaching a developmental milestones, don’t worry if you’re doing things right, the smaller and seemingly insignificant sesation you focus on, the better.  For more on how to do this, check out this post.

 

Lastly, give yourself grace. We all have these moments, it is a universal experience – be gentle with yourself. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are moving mountains.

How do YOU overcome your longing for the very moment you’re in? COMMENT BELOW and let me know.

Do you have a friend who’s been taking visits from Lady Bittersweet? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more below. Instagram is also a good way to find more tips to help you through your day with your baby.

When to respond to your baby’s cries

The perfect mother responds to her baby every time they cry.

WRONG!

By now you know that that’s impossible. Not only that, it’s not even what’s best for your baby.

The question is – how can you know when to respond and when to let your baby work it out on their own?

It comes down to these three steps:

  1. Pause
  2. Observe
  3. Respond

Let’s break it down.

First, the obvious. Why is it important to respond?

Attachment theory teaches us that in order to develop a secure bond with your baby you need to be (somewhat) consistently responsive to their needs. When your baby is distressed and you help them regulate they learn two crucial lessons:

  1. They can count on you to be there when they need you.
  2. How to co-regulate so that they can eventually regulate themselves (to learn more about co-regulation check out this post.)

These lessons  allow your baby to develop independence and create close relationships with others.

But responding doesn’t always mean ACTING. It may mean giving your baby an understanding glance. Knowing HOW to respond is the tricky part.

Why is it important to observe?

When your baby is a newborn, responding to them mostly means feeding, soothing, and providing close physical contact. But as they grown their reasons for being fussy and distressed become more complicated.

By three or four months your baby is not just complaining about phyiscal needs but about emotional ones too. Suddenly they’re frustrated that they can’t reach a toy, or upset that you’re leaving, or angry when something is taken away. And as they grown their needs become more and more complicated.

The only way you can learn more about what your baby needs and their subtle cues is by OBSERVING.

That’s where the pause comes in.

When we hear our baby cry to want to act fast. We want to quickly satisfy their needs so that they stop fussing. But that isn’t always the best thing for your baby. As your baby grows and their ego develops they also need to start to learn how and when to soothe themselves or solve a problem on their own.

In order to figure out how to respond, you need to PAUSE and OBSERVE your baby.

Here are some examples of times during your day when it would be beneficial to you both to Pause and Observe before immediately responding with action:

  1. The First Whine

They’re playing with something and start to whine. You see that the toy they want is out of reach. Pause, Observe. Was the complaint momentary? Are they simply uncomfortable and need to roll over? Did they fivure out how to reach the toy on their own? Are they over it and on to something else? 

2. The Helpless Glance

Your baby is trying to do something like put a toy into a hole, stack blocks, or open the door on their own. They keep trying and failing and now they’re getting a little frustrated. They look up to you. Pause, observe. The glance might mean – help me! But it can also mean – look at this annoying thing! See what happens if you assume it’s the second and only act when they need you to.

3. The Questionable Fall

If your baby is on the move they probably fall 27 times a day. Most of the time the falls aren’t serious and are usually followed by your baby looking up at you. In that glance they’re asking – is this something to cry over? Or – was this surprising and a bit painful but I can keep going? Pause, Observe, see what they need. Do they come to you? Do they just need an empathizing glance? Or do they need you to come to them?

 

With all of these situations, if you see your baby becoming more distressed you RESPOND. But when you hit these flagpoints you can pause a second and learn more about what your baby needs in that moment.

The more you do this, the more you’ll learn the body language, facial expreessions and tone they use when they absolutely need you to resond with action.

Important – if we don’t pause and observe we run the risk of teaching our baby that they are not capable of soothing themselves or figuring out things on their own. They’re looking for your cues. And every now and then, your desire to respond might be born out of your own need more than your baby’s.

 

Do you have a friend who’s wondering when to respond to her baby’s crying and when to step back and let her baby figure it out? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more below.

Want to get daily tips and hear new songs? Follow me on Instagram and Tik Tok.

 

Help your baby develop emotional intelligence

Dear Tunester, develop emotional intelligence by being your baby’s first “therapist”.

Have you ever been to therapy? If you have then you know that one of the things they try to do is to help you make sense of how you behave and why you do what you do.  Often we’re playing out patterns of behavior that we developed in our past, and undersanding how they serve us, or once served us in some way, can help us move beyond them and develop new ways of being.

Guess what. YOU can do the same for your baby. The more you help your child make sense of their reactions and big emotions the more emotionally intelligent they’ll be. 

Emotional Intelligence is what will help them know how to act in a new group, how to make a new friend, how to have strong relationships, and how to be aware of and control their own emotions. 

So how can you give a mini therapy session to your baby that will help calm them in the moment and will develop their EI? 

By doing what I call CONNECTING THE DOTS.

Connecting the dots helps your child understand what led to their tantrum or melt dow and gives them insight into their own emotional process.

How to help your baby Connect the Dots:

When babies (and kids, and adults,) have meltdowns it’s usually not just about the last thing that happened to them.  There is often a sequence of events that led to the final straw. Connecting the dots is pointing out to your baby the hitches that happened along the way that might have upset them so that they understand what led to the final breakdown.

For younger babies you’ll connect the dots of one or two events. For bigger babies who’s memory is more developed and who have more complex emotions you’ll connect more dots.

Here are two examples from my home when my kids were babies:

Example 1:

My daughter was about 9 months when she hit her head on the faucet in the bath one day. She immediately started to scream and held her hands up to be taken out.

She had only just gotten into the bath so I wasn’t keen on pulling her out right away. So after consoling her I wanted to see if she could push through if I helped her connect the dots.

I said – “You were playing and then you slipped and hit your head on this faucet.”  I mimed what I was saying, pointing to the faucet and giving myself a little hit on the head.  Then I pretended to cry and said “that really hurt you.”

You know how sometimes you can almost see your baby’s brain working? It was one of those moments. She stopped, looked back at the faucet, and touched her head. 

Then, since she didn’t have words yet, she told the story in her own way. She pointed to the faucet,brought her head closed to it, and gave her head a bonk. 

I said – “that’s right. You hit your head and it hurt.” Then she mimed it a few more times. 

And then miraculously, she went back to playing in the bath. Once she had made sense of her experience, and had processed it in her own way, she was ready to move on. 

As our babies grow they’ll have more complicated emotions often caused by multiple events. They’ll need more help connecting the dots.

Example 2:

When my son was a toddler he hit his sister one night. In my anger I instinctually asked him – “Why did you do that?” “You!” he said. “What do you mean?” I said. He sat still and finally said: “you got dressed!”

I stopped and took a moment to follow the sequence of events as he had experienced them and it dawned on me. Once I had connected the dots for myself I did it for him (slowly and with emphasis):

“You were angry when I told you we were going out tonight. You and I played ball but then you got upset because I stopped the game and went to get dressed. You were angry at me for leaving you tonight and for leaving the game. And then you hurt your sister who is smaller and can’t hurt you back. But really you were angry at me.”

When I finished he took a big breath. I always know I’ve reached them when they sigh big.

The more we can help our kids connect the dots now the more they’ll be able to do it for themselves as they mature. And that will help them develop self awareness about their own patterns and processes.

Does that mean they won’t be on that therapy couch down the road? Probably not. But they’ll have a good head start to understanding how their dots connect.

For more on how to respond to the three different types of tantrums, check out this post.

Do you help your baby connect the dots to develop their emotional intelligence? How does it look?

 

Do you have a friend who needs some encouragement in helping her baby develop EI? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for future Tuesday Tune Ins.

 

 

 

How to fly with babies without losing it

Dear Tunester,

After two long years of barely any air travel you might have declared this summer your Summer of Travel. Sure, you’ve got a baby or two, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned its that you never know when that boarding ramp is going to retract and the flight attendant is going to give you a slow shake of the head to all your beach fantasies.

Last week, I gave you a Road Trip Survival Kit complete with a road trip playlist to reduce tears and increase sunny memories in the car. 

Today, let’s talk flights.

Are you braving a journey on a jet plane with your diapered companion anytime soon? 

This one is for you. 

Keep reading for my tips and watch this video of my kids and I on a flight. 

Why am I an authority on flights with babies? Because almost every year since my kids were born we’ve taken a looooooong 12 hour flight to Israel to see the grandparents. I’ve flown with them at every age and sometimes on my own.

Alright, let’s get to it.

How to Survive a Flight with Baby

Expectation setting:

  1. Accept that its going to suck a little. The worst times we have as parents is when we expect our kids to behave a certain way and they don’t. For the flight, expect that you won’t sleep, the kids will whine and you’ll get to the other side.
  2. Loosen the rules. Allow stuff you wouldn’t otherwise. For me, that means unlimited screens, more junk food and less sleep.
  3. You’re going to be moving more than you’d like. With little babies, you’ll be bouncing them to sleep in the carrier. WIth new walkers, you’ll be walking up and down the aisles feeling terrified with every turbulent bump that your baby will crash into an arm rest. It goes with the territory.
  4. Surrender to jetlag. No matter how much you try to time the naps just right, it won’t really matter. Jetlag is hard. But it only lasts 5 days or so. Knowing this helps you to not stress about whether they sleep or not on the flight. 

Timing:

  1. The hardest ages for travel are 9-18 months. Your baby is so excited to be mobile and just wants to move. But I couldn’t avoid travel during these ages either.
  2. Aim for a flight time about 2hrs before you want them to sleep. There is a lot of activity in the first two hours (takeoff, drinks, food, etc) and you don’t want to miss your bedtime window. Our preferred time was a 5:00-7:00pm flight. 

Clothing: 

  1. Wear slip-on shoes. When the baby is in the carrier you’ll thank yourself for not needing to bend over to go through security and go for a bathroom trip.
  2. Wear pants with big pockets. This is a life saver. Try not to wear yoga pants or tight pants that won’t store key items like a boarding pass, pacifier, tissues and EVERYTHING else.
  3. Wear socks. It gets cold on flights and you won’t be able to fix yourself that perfect blanket/pillow cocoon that you once could before baby.

Packing:

  1. Pack backups. Pacis, bottles, change of clothes on top of the extra change of clothes, an extra blanket. Whatever you can reasonably carry.
  2. Prep relieve ear compression:  
    1. For younger babies – Feed during take off and landing to make sure your baby is swallowing often which will relieve ear compression.
    2. For older babies – Bring lollipops for take off and landing. My kids still ask for them even now that they are older. Sort of a mini-party during the worst parts of a flight.
  3. Have wipes handy. They will be your best friend on a flight.
  4. Take empty plastic bags. For dirty diapers, garbage, etc.
  5. Snacks and more snacks. For long flights, bring lots of options – Sandwiches, goldfish, bars, apples. Don’t forget to bring snacks for yourself. Critical!
  6. Bring the changing pad. It is almost impossible to do it in the tiny bathroom cabins. I’ve done it but it’s no picnic. If you can, best to do it on your lap in your seat. Have a lightweight changing pad ready to go.

Playing (for toddlers):

  1. Stickers. These are the best because they are a clean activity and don’t have things that roll away and get lost.
  2. Painters tape.  My favorite trick was always to bring painters tape and put little pieces all over the seat. My babies would spend hours taking it on and off.
  3. Markers or pencils. If you do bring these, have them in a zippered case and be prepared to lose half.
  4. Water-marker books. These are great.
  5. Books. Lots of them. Soft cover are ideal so you can fit more in the bag and they’ll be lighter. 

Seating:

  1. Bassinet. For international flights its very nice to have the bassinets for babies under 6 months. Book your ticket way in advance for that because they tend to fill up.
  2. Anywhere but the back. Book a seat not too close to the bathroom because of noise/odor/light. Once your baby is finally asleep you don’t want the bathroom door to wake them.
  3. Aisle vs window. If you are enough people to take the full row by the window, put baby toward the inside and you sit on the aisle. If you are traveling solo with the baby, go with the aisle so you can get up easily to soothe, etc.

 

Are you nervous? Don’t be. You can do this. Most of the time you will be pleasantly surprised that it was easier than you thought it would be. 

It is a short run and then you’re done. 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I know because I did it. Seriously watch the video of me doing it alone with my three kids.  Smooth travels!

What has been your saving grace on a flight with a child? Comment below to add to this list. 

Know someone flying to visit friends, family or just for vacation? Send them this post if they love lists as much as I do.

 

Family RoadTrip Survival Kit

Dearest Tunesters,

You know what I miss? Being on the road.

As hard as it was to be on a year long road trip, as many times as I had to say “stop touching her!”, as angry as I was when my husband had to stop to see “one more thing,” as heartbreaking as it was when our ski clothes had flown out of the trunk on top of the car, and and as exhausting as it was to pack and repack that van, I would do it again tomorrow.

When I look back on our Big Adventure, I think about my happiest moments, sitting with my legs up on the dashboard, the sun warming me through the window, and singing along to music. I loved the feeling of leaving one town behind us and heading to an unknown place ahead. That in-between was my favorite.

Dear Tunie, you might not be driving across the country but you’re probably going to take a few good drives this summer. So today I’d like to help you have your own feet on the dash moments.

My family is quite experienced at this point. So here is our Road Trip Survival Kit. It comes complete with a Roadtrip Playlist to make your drives even sunnier.

 

Road Trip Survival Kit

 

FOOD

As you know, if your child is cranky they’re probably either tired or hungry. Our worst moments in the car came when we were out of snacks and the next town miles away (can someone build a restaurant between Colorado and Santa Fe?). If you can win the snack prep, you’ve won the road trip.

Here are some tips:

  1. Milk – If your baby is nursing you’ll have no choice but to stop along the way. I’ve done the ‘lean over the car seat breastfeed trick’ but if you can avoid it that’s best. Bottles are SO much easier on a road trip.
  2. Healthy Snacks – car rides are actually not a bad place to try to get your kid to eat fruits and veggies. They’re captive and they want something to munch on. Before we pushed off each day on our road trip I peeled about 20 carrots and 20 cucumbers. They all got eaten during the day. Apples and grapes are also great. Juicy fruits like peaches and watermelon should be avoided.
  3. Snacky snacks – We usually had a big bag filled to the top with snacks. Our go-tos were – seaweed, Bamba, pretzels, popcorn, goldfish, crackers, Clif Bars.
  4. Water – We went through so much water on drives especially because they ate all of those salty snacks. Bring lots of reusable bottles (that won’t overheat in the sun.)
  5. Smoothies – we had a tradition of getting a smoothie from whatever town we were leaving and taking them on the road. It was a good way to start the drive with a full stomach and get some nutrients before sitting all day.

 

MUSIC

Music makes everything ok. It’s what makes a simple drive on a crowded highway feel like a poignant moment to be remembered forever. 

There were times in the car that were so turbulent I thought we’d never make it to the other side. Everyone was annoyed, yelling, hitting, and sulking including my husband and I. Music brought us to calm like a bridge over troubled water. 

When the kids were exhausted and needed to sleep I put on Classical, especially piano. Two good options for that are Chopin or Bach’s Goldberg Variations. It had the effect of calming them without drawing too much attention to lyrics or dynamics.

Music marked our journey like flags on a map. In each place we’d play the music of that location – In Los Angeles- Frank Sinantra, the Eagles, and Hip Hop, in Seattle – Grunge, in St. Louis – Miles Davis, etc. 

We had a tradition of starting our drives with Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again.” Now when we hear it we’re all instantly brought back to our drives together last year.

In order to make your music listening simple and accessible, here’s a curated playlist for your drive with Kindie artists and all around good music.

Click Here for Your Roadtrip Playlist.

BOOKS ON TAPE

 This got us through MANY hours. To be precise, 31.5 hours of Laura Ingalls describing her family’s journey west meticulously. We often felt like we were passing the exact spot where their potato crops were demolished by grasshoppers, or where they lived in a dugout while Pa worked on the railroad.

It’s a good reminder that what takes us 4 hours to drive, on cushy seats, with snacks galore, and heat and AC in the car, took them 4 months sitting on a wagon freezing and wrapped in blankets.

The readers of books on tape are often the writers themselves or actors and actresses. It’s so very enjoyable. If you’ve got older kids who can focus for a long book hours can go by without anyone noticing.

PODCASTS. By miracle, we found some podcasts that all of my kids agree on despite their wide range of ages. There are such great ones out there! Our favorites are Wow in the World, Smash Boom Best, Radiolab for kids, and their absolute favorite – Greeking Out.

 

GAMES

 We played many. Here are our faves:

  • DJ. Each person chooses a song and we go around. We’re all grateful my daughter grew out of her Sofia the First phase.
  • 20 questions. Which in our family really means 43 questions at least. So many hours of playing actually taught my daughter to ask general questions and narrow them down.
  • Association. This is a simple game we came up with on one of our drives. One person says – I’m thinking of ____ and the next person goes purely off association and says – and I’m thinking about ____. The mind trick here is to accept that we all have different associations and you have to let go of your own direction.
  • I Spy. Nuff said.
  • Cloud Shapes. This is just finding shapes in clouds and pointing them out to each other. 
  • Opposites. You say tall, they say short. You say hot, they say cold.
  • Alphabet Game with categories. Let’s say it’s fruit – A, apples. B, Bananas, etc.

 

MAPS, ROAD ACTIVITY BOOKS

 Every now and then the kids liked to pull out the maps and see where we were and where we’re going. We keep them in the seat pockets in front of them. The Doodle Pad is good, Water painting books. My daughter also has activity road trip books that she liked.

 

Final tip – Remember that the drive is as important as the location. Last year when my kids would say – are we there yet? I’d always say – YES. 

find times to stretch back and hold your kids’ hand. Take a moment to stare at them while they peacefuly sleep in their seat. Part of why I loved being in the car on our way to someplace new is because we were all together. I knew where everyone was and that made me feel safe, happy and content

 

How to respond to tantrums

Dear Tunester,

This is a post I wish I had read when my babies were toddlers. Tantrums can be relentless, and I might be a therapist and all but my fuse can be short as anyone’s when it comes to a screaming toddler who won’t put on a coat in the dead of winter when we need to leave the house NOW.

I hope that when the tantrum tornado hits, keeping these three types in mind will help you figure out your game plan. Often the most torturous part of our baby’s tantrum is our own conflict about how to react.

Here are the three types of tantrums your toddler might be having, and how to handle each kind:

3 Types of Toddler Tantrums:

 

  1. Can’t Express Needs

This happens when your toddler has a basic need – to eat, sleep, drink, change diaper, but doesn’t know how to express it. Not only that, they’re at the point where the need has overwhelmed them – they’re overtired, starving, or uncomfortable.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Empathize with what’s going on. “I see that you’re tired and hungry. Your stomach must be growling!”
  2. Try to give them what they need.

In an ideal world we’d preempt these situations and not get to the point where our babies are tired and hungry. But after 13 years of parenting I can say I miss the mark at least once a day. Don’t beat yourself up. There are also plenty of times when you’re on it, you’ve packed the perfect snacks and your baby napped exactly when planned. But we don’t hear about it when that happens.

The takeaway here is that when your baby is tantruming because of basic needs, try to satisfy their needs asap.

 

2. Power Play

Power play tantrums happen when your toddler pushes against a limit you’ve set. It might be a safety limit, like touching an outlet, holding scissors, or getting into the carseat, or it might be a boundary you need to keep for other reasons, like not going outside before dinner, or not having another cookie. Either way, its a rule you’ve instated and think is important.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Empathize with their anger – “I know you don’t want to be in the car seat right now and that you’d rather play.”
  2. And then HOLD YOUR GROUND – “…but it’s my job to keep you safe and that means sitting in a carseat.” Sticking to your limit is not only important for your baby’s safety but it also gives your baby the feeling of security they need. They want to know that your limits are dependable and that they don’t have too much power over you.

 

That said, every now and then we’re in a situation when we realize we might have made a mistake with a particular limit. That’s ok! Let yourself be flexible and pivot if need be, just not most of the time 🙂

The takeaway here is that once you’ve set a limit, try to stick with it. You’ll thank me years from now.

 

3. Impossible Demands 

This one is unique to toddler land – It’s when you give your toddler their sippy cup but they wanted the other cup, and you give them the other cup but they wanted the bottle! With the Impossible Demands tantrum you can’t win. There is no rational way out of these tantrums. Your baby simply needs to emote. They are overwhelmed and most likely can’t be pleased by an action you take.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Make sure your baby is safe.
  2. Show them that you are there for them if they need you.
  3. Allow them the space they need to express their range of emotions unless it is harming them or someone else in which case you intervene and set a limit.
  4. Be sure to take care of your own needs. These tantrums can be very stressful for parents. Know that the storm will pass.

The takeaway here is to truly let your baby have their tantrum and express their emotions. Being a baby is hard. Being human is hard. Hell, I want to have a tantrum all the time. Give them space to do so.

 

Dear Tunester, I personally found that keeping these three types in mind helped me figure out what to do when my own babies were in the eye of the storm. I hope it helps you too.

One of my favorite podcasts for dealing with this stage is Unruffled by Janet Lansbury. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend emulating her approach and calming style when it comes to dealing with toddlers. 

For more info on how to deal with tantrums, especially type #1, check out this post.

Ok dear Tunie that’s it for today. Let me know if this was helpful! COMMENT below and tell me which type of tantrum your toddler had today.

 

Have a friend who’s been grappling with tantrums? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more weekly goodies below.

Love Letter to the Modern Father

Dear Tunie,

A couple of weeks ago, my husband was quarantined with our youngest in the bedroom. Apparently we’re doing the ‘rona in stages. During that week I missed him terribly.

When he travels for work, I rally. I turn into power mom and get it all done. The kids are in bed with time to spare and dinner even gets stepped up a notch. But because that week he was home, only quarantined, I still felt a lingering expectation that he would do the dishes after the kids went down like he normally does.

Weeks like those make me realize how much of an equal partner he is in all of this kid rearing business.

Fathers are different these days than they were during our parents’ generation. They’re not the only ones bringing home the bacon and we’re not the only ones changing diapers. Beyond the daily tasks that they take on, they’re also more open to learning from and delighting in their children. 

In many ways, fathers are simply parents. We expect them to love our children unconditionally, support them and guide them, and help with all of the endless to-do list involved in raising kids, just as moms do.

On the other hand, they’re men. And history is changing before our eyes. Our generation is shifting how fathers behave with their kids. Corporations now give fathers paternity leave because they share the burden of diaper changing and 2am feedings, and because they deserve a chance to bond with the baby just as much as the mama does.

And yet there’s still a ways to go.

Today’s post is a love letter to the modern father who is finding their way to be simply parents, not necessarily fathers.

One day maybe we won’t even have holidays specifically celebrating Mothers or Fathers rather days celebrating all Parents, regardless of their titles and pronouns.

But for now, as we live through the transition, let’s honor the dads who are changing the construct of parenthood by being present, open to learning from their kids how to be a better parent, and are willing to take on half of the load.

Here’s a poem I wrote to the dads we love. I’ll be posting a video version today on Instagram too.

 

Love Letter to the Modern Father

You sit at the basketball game dying to coach but are careful not to squash,
You doze with the baby on the couch but wake up for a 3am feed
You play games while dinner is being made and automatically do the dishes after,
You  encourage them to try again but give a long hug when they just can’t,
You’re stern when needed but soften to console
You laugh when your child surprises you and when they’re angry you teach them how to talk it through.
You’re not afraid to show vulnerability but are unshakable in your desire to protect.
You encourage your child to ask and admit when you don’t know.
You’re a jungle gym to jump on and a cocoon to hide in.
You’re stern when boundaries need to be kept but flexible when rules need to be broken.
You let your child find their way but gently guide when needed.
You encourage your child to jump and hold your arms out if they need you to catch,
You strive to be a good dad and know that it often means being a good partner
You vow to be different from your father but also choose when to be the same,

We see you. 

We know you’re changing history.

 

Need tips on how to rekindle the romance with your partner/modern father? Check out this post.

 

Know someone who’s celebrating a modern father this week? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more goodies.

 

 

3 Reasons Your Soothing Method Isn’t Working

Dear Tunester,

Do you have a soothing method for your baby that you can rely on? Bouncing? Shushing? Driving? Singing? Feeding? Most likely you have a few methods that work fairly well for your baby, but nothing that works all the time. That’s ok, there’s no such thing! But there are definitely things you can do to make your soothing go more smoothly.

The fact is that the soothing method you establish with your baby now will be the same method you use for years to come. In a couple of years you might not be able to fit them in the crook of your arm, but they’ll still need plenty of soothing.

So let’s talk about the three reasons your soothing method might not be working as well as you’d like.
 

3 Reasons Your Soothing Method Isn’t Working

 

1. It isn’t soothing you at the same time.

Here’s the hard truth – if we aren’t feeling calm our babies won’t calm down either. Your baby is constantly looking to you to understand how to feel. If fact, they’re super power is picking up on your emotional state like a sensitive antenna.

You know what that means. It means we have no choice but to relax ourselves first, like putting on that oxygen mask in the airplane before we put it on our babies.

So now let’s think about your soothing method. Ask yourself: is it soothing me at the same time?

The best soothing method will be the one that makes you feel calmer, makes your shoulders fall, makes your eyes settle on one spot instead of darting around, makes your belly relax and your breath easier.

If your soothing method isn’t making you feel that way you might want to try the Baby in Tune method (click on the link to get a video explaining how to do it.) There is no one method that will work all the time. But the benefits of using our method is the use of VOICE. When you incorporate your voice into your method you are sending a message to your nervous system to regulate. The mantra like melody in the soothing method is ilke an inner massage to your organs, and forces you to take regular deep inhales.

Other ways to soothe you both at the same time are singing a lullaby or putting on a song you love and dancing around with your baby.

 

2. Your aren’t being consistent with it

Babies are creatures of habit. We all are! Have you noticed that after only a couple days of doing something – waking at a certain hour, drinking from the bottle, or playing a certain game, your baby starts to expect it to happen again. It’s quite amazing how quickly our babies fall into patterns. 

This is good news and bad news. It’s bad news because it means that your baby can easily develop bad habits that then will need ot be broken. But the good news is that it takes a short time to pivot and create better habits as well. Often it just takes our determination.

When it comes to soothing, your baby needs to associate your method with regulating. The more consistent you are with the way you soothe, the more your method will become a behavioral cue. 

For instance, if you use the vocal soothing method consistently, every day, every time you soothe, within a few weeks your baby will be accustomed to it. They’ll know that when you start to sing “Ohohoh” and you bounce to the rhythm, that it’s time for you both to co-regulate.

The trick is to be as consistent as you can. That goes for almost everything we do with our babies and kids.

 

3. You aren’t using your voice effectively

In #`1 we talked about how we need to be somewhat relaxed  in order for our baby to calm as well. But the fact is that when you’re baby is screaming on your shoulder adn you’re running around trying to figure out what’s wrong, you’re not feeling very relaxed. So what do you need to do?

Fake it till you make it, parents.

Take deep breaths, relax your belly, try to drop your shoulders. And there is another way taht you might not always consider – focus on relaxing your VOICE.

Our voice can convey tension when we don’t even realize it. When we are stressed our voice tends to crack more, make us feel out of breath when we speak, and it is usually higher in tone.

In order ot fake it til you make it and convey calm to your baby, you can alter your voice by doing these things:

  1. Take in deep breaths between phrases.
  2. Lower your tone. Imagine you’re a celebrity who has a low voice who you find soothing. Emulate their voice.
  3. Speak or sing SLOWER.

Is your baby soothed and now you need sleep hep? Check out this post to get some practical tips that work.

Ok Dear Tunie, that’s it for today. I hope these tips will bring a little more calm to your day today.

Do you have a friend who needs some soothing help asap? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more.

 

 

Parents, are you Ok?

Dear Tunesters,

How are you doing? It’s not an easy time to be parents. A pandemic, a shooting, a formula shortage, a war, all on top of what is already an extremely challenging time. It’s always hard to parent babies. But these days it feels like the walls are caving in.

After I had my daughter I had a phase when I would see something in the corner of my eye, like a piece of fuzz or a shadow, and I’d spring out of my seat feeling my heart painfully quicken. I was so on edge. 

Turns out, it was normal. It was my primal brain geared up to fiercely protect my baby. It’s the same instinct the bird has as she sits on her nest watching for threats, or the octopus as she feeds her offspring with one eye out for sharks.

In our section-couched carpeted modern world there are usually no animals threatening to attack our baby and there’s less of a need for us to be on guard in that way. But with everything going on your natural protective stress hormones might be working overtime, keepng you in a hieghtened state of fight or flight. I know I feel it.

So today I want to offer you a few strategies to deal with the intensity of the moment.

  1. Acknowledge Your Mama Bear.
    Notice your fierce protective hormones Does your belly feel a bit tighter these days? Is your chest a bit heavier? Do you find your head or eyes darting to your sides to see what’s there? If you do, it’s normal. Just take notice.
  2. Focus on the Micro.
    When we feel overwhelmed by things beyond our reach and control, the best remedy is to focus on what IS ok, what IS going right, and what we DO have. Ask yourself – in this very moment, am I ok? Is my baby ok? Most likely the answer will is yes. Now be HERE. Use the techniques we use in class. Focus on how it feels to touch your baby, notice their smell, their sounds, and even their taste. Narrow down your vision to what is right in front of you and through that you’ll expand your vision and experience.
  3. BOND.
    You know what reduces our stress level and the stress level of your baby? Connection. Find more moments to hold your baby. Let your baby hold you back. Bonding is the key to our happiness, our soothing and healing.
  4. Use a Mantra.
    Last month my son was having some medical issues that had me worrying all night long. The only thing that got me through it was a mantra I said over and over – He’s going to be ok, I’m going to be ok, it’s going to be ok. I even wrote this little ditty about it (I post my latest ditties to Instagram HERE.)
  5. It’s OK, not You’re OK.
    Here’s one last tip to use with your babies and others around you. When people tell you what they’re going through most of the time they don’t need you to fix it rather for you to listen and acknowledge. Your kids might be feeling heightened intensity right now too. And that’s on top of all the feelings their body is learning to process just by being babies. Next time they fall, cry, tantrum, whine, try not to say “You’re Ok” because sometimes they’re not and it can feel negating. They’re hurt or sad or angry. What you can say is “It’s Ok.” Because it’s ok for them to have all the feelings they have.

So dear parents, I want to say to you – It’s ok. It’s ok to not to be ok, it’s ok to have all the feelings you might be having. It’s also ok to be ok despite everything going on in the world. You’re carrying an awful lot right now. You’re doing everything you can to be the best parent you can and it shows. 

And at the same time, notice what is OK right at this very moment. And as you do it, you might even want to sing it like I did.

What have you been doing to get through the stress of these days? COMMENT below and let us know.

Do you have a friend who might need to hear that It’s Ok? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more weekly tips.

 

Music in the womb means less crying after birth!

Dear Parents in Tune – We talk a lot about how to connect with your baby once they are in your arms. This week, let’s spend some time talking about tuning in to them BEFORE they arrive into your arms. Specifically, let’s see how music in the womb can effect your baby once they’re born. 

This is for all your friends out there who are staring at their belly wondering – will a baby actually come out of my body?? It’s for any of you who are pregnant with your first, second, third, or eighth baby. 

Remember how it felt when you were pregnant for the first time? You had all the time in the world to feel the changes in your body. Every new centimeter was noticed and measured, every bit of heaviness meant a slower step, hunger was tended to and nausea was acupunctured. 

With any pregnancy following, there is no time for that. Discomfort must be tolerated and we plod on, dealing with our toddlers as best we can. But no matter what number you’re on, everyone can benefit from taking a pause and tuning in before the shit hits the fan (and seeps through the onesie).  

And what should you do in that pause? Two things- 

  • Tune in to the changes in your body.
  • Connect to your fetus.

 

Let’s talk body:

 It can feel very scary and exciting for your body to be changing so drastically. I remember the moment I realized I couldn’t suck in my stomach as I walked into a party trying hard to feel my best (before letting it all hang out by the end of the party.)

Here’s a reminder – Take the time to run your hand compassionately over areas that are changing. Allow your body to do the work of growing a human inside you with all the beauty and discomfort that comes with it.

 

Now let’s see how you can connect to your fetus. Why? Because the more you feel connected to your fetus now the more you will once they arrive in your arms. And it just so happens that MUSIC is a direct phone line straight to your little nugget.

 

4 ways to use music to connect to your baby during pregnancy

 

Play music you love for your baby. 

Until about 30 years ago, we didn’t know how much the fetus could hear.  We now know that by 16 weeks, they can hear sounds outside of the womb. A 2013 article shows that babies at birth and at four months old noticed changes in the melodies that were played to them in utero. 

So take the time to put something on that makes you feel GOOD. It can be that song your teenage self jammed to or your wedding song. It could just be “Groove Thang” – don’t judge it! Just play it. There is a good chance your baby will remember that music on the outside.

 

Sing! Even early on.

Did you know that singing to your baby in utero can have an affect on their behavior post birth? This 2017 study published in “Women & Birth” showed that babies who were sung to in utero cried less after they were born!

That’s a pretty good reason to do it. Not only that, When you sing, your body relaxes and vibrates and it’s like an internal massage that affects everything on the inside, as well. 

Where to start? Find some time during your day to take in deep breaths and use your lowest voice. 

Put your hand on your chest and see if you can make it vibrate even more. Let all of your breath come out as you sing so that you take in deep breaths in between phrases. This is called vocal toning. You are using your voice to align with your vocal vibration. 

 

Start to search for your lullaby. 

Once the baby is here, you are going to want to have a lullaby prepared. Your lullaby will be KEY to helping your baby fall asleep and helping you create a dependable sleep routine. I didn’t have one ready to go and I wish I did.  It is so nice to start singing your lullaby from day 1.

And if you start to sing your lullaby while you are pregnant, your baby will become familiar with it and it will work even better.

 

Tune in to the sounds within your body. 

This means sitting still and quiet and tuning in to your heartbeat. This 2015 study showed that pre-term babies who listened to recordings of their mothers heartbeat and recordings of their mother singing had improved neural processes. So tune in with your baby!

 

Connecting with your fetus now means taking your first step toward bonding once they’re here. And as you know, that is crucial for your baby’s well being and your own.

I know, it’s almost impossible while you hae a toddler or more to run after at the same time. But if you can, take a few moments a day especially in the last month of pregnancy to connect. Your body will probably start telling you to turn inward, to start slowing down, go out less, do less things, and LISTEN, and SING. 

 

Did you pick out your lullaby while pregnant (unlike me)? How did you find it? Comment below. 

Have a pregnant friend? Forward them these 4 ways to connect and eliminate one of many Google searches

The baby is already here and you need sleep help ASAP? Check out this post for some tried and true strategies that I’ve collected over my many years of work with parents and babies.

My daughter wasn’t musical…here’s what happened

Dear Tunester,

Today we’re going to talk about whether your child can develop musical talent or if it’s hopless if they weren’t born with it.

My son came out of my belly singing. He could follow a tune by the time he was a year old. My second was the same and seemed to have a knack for rhythm. My daughter, however, was NOT. 

What?! We thought. How could it be that our child isn’t musical?! How will we harmonize on road trips?

But it was undeniable. When she sang it sounded sort of monotone, as if her voice was cutting corners and moving only slightly higher or lower from her speaking voice.

We wondered – could she hear the difference in notes but wasn’t putting in the effort to match them? Or maybe she couldn’t hear the contours of the melody and was singing what she heard?

Was she simply not born with the music gene? We hadn’t changed our behavior from one kid to the next as far as we knew. In fact, if anything, we sang even more because of the other two.

The question this week is this: Is musical talent innate or not? And – Can musical talent be learned? 

Many parents who don’t feel musical wonder about this question. I remember a couple in one of my classes saying – we’re not musical and can’t sing. Is it hopeless for our baby?

Let’s dive into the research and see what we can find. 

Is musical talent innate or can it be learned?

 

First of all, we’re ALL MUSICAL, especially your baby

Music is innate for ALL humans. We all respond to rhythm, melody,  and pitch and have always done so through history. Here’s how we know.

Research shows that infants are born with a wide range of musical capacities. For instance, they prefer listening to music that is harmonic rather than dissonant, they can recognize the omission of a downbeat in a simple rhythm, and they prefer bouncing to the rhythm of the song they are hearing rather than out of rhythm. They also have a memory for music that is stored long term.

 

What about musical talent? Is that innate too?

 

The short answer is yes. But that’s not the full answer. 

The growing consensus among scientists seems to be that people are born with varying degrees of musical sensitivity and proclivity. 

But that’s just the beginning. It all comes down to who STICKS with it.

It’s true that those who are born with a greater aptitude toward music may have an easier time learning how to play an instrument or how to sing. That ease and comfort may encourage them to continue.

But ALL kids can get to the same point if they put the work in. We now know how plastic the brain is. This study showed that with long term and repeated rehearsal of a musical instrument we can alter the brain’s gray matter.

Think of it like a marathon – imagine all kids standing at the start line. They are all about to run the same track. The kids born with musical sensitivity are given a head start. For them, playing an instrument will be easier at first. But throughout the race, some may drop out and some may persevere. And it doesn’t always have to do with musical talent. It may even be more related to GRIT (to learn more about that check out this post.)

 

So what is the biggest factor in my baby becoming musical?

The fact is, whether your baby learns and sticks with music largely depends on YOU. 

This study of 257 children showed that the successful music learners were the ones with musically involved parents. 

Why?  Because musical development is a result of genes interacting with environmental stimulation.

I’ve got the proof to go with all this. Let’s go back to my daughter.

We’ve been working hard with her. When I sing to her I accentuate the melody and her brothers sometimes do too. A few months ago we were singing You Are My Sunshine and she had the rhythm down but wasn’t matching the pitches of the melody.

When she didn’t make it to a note of the song I’d repeat that note with gusto a few times patiently letting her try it.  Eventually, she started catching on. And then she started singing full melodies on key!

The other day she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow and was able to sing all the hard notes on her own.

It all came down to the fact that we kept rooting her on in the marathon, no matter where she started and how far she had to go.

Now, she can run on her own and she’s in line with all the other marathon runners.

 

So what should you do to give your baby the nurture to compliment their nature?

 

  1. Keep making music – singing, drumming, playing instruments together. The more you do it the more your baby will associate music with fun and togetherness and will start to develop that head start that the musically talented had.
  2. Listen to music – lots of it. In the car, at home, sing with it, dance to it. Let music be a part of your baby’s every fiber. And if you’re looking for easy to sing along to music, listen to mine

 

So how about you dear Tunie? Do you feel musical? Are you concerned that your baby might not end up musical if you aren’t? COMMENT below and let us know.

 

Do you have a friend who’s always been afraid to sing at the campfire and is now wondering about whether her baby will to? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more Tuesday Tune ins.

How to teach your child to listen to their inner voice

Dear Tunesters,

Today’s topic is about teaching our kids what we often wish we knew how to do ourselves – listen to our intuition. In this post you’ll get some examples of listening to your inner voice and a quick but powerful exercise for teaching your kids how to locate that voice when they’re in a bind.

So many times life throws us an opportunity or a situation that might feel benign or even exciting on the surface, but  doesn’t feel quite aligned with where we’re at.

Here’s an examples: A couple of years ago, when I started working on my online course, I spoke to someone who offered to pay for the production of my next album. Making an album costs A LOT. My head said YEEEESSSS!

But my stomach said Nooooooooo.

I sat with it for a while and realized that I needed to turn him down. It just didn’t feel like the right time. I had to trust that my intuition was guiding me in the right direction and that when I was ready to make an album I would have the opportunity I needed.

That was an instance when I was able to listen to my inner voice but there are so many times when I just can’t seem to hear it.

One of our jobs as parents is to help our kids exercise their intuition muscle so that it will be easier for them to make the right decisions  throughout their lives. Don’t we wish someone had done the same for us? 

So how do we do it?

Basically we need to help our kids distinguish between the voice that speaks out of intuition and the one that speaks out of FEAR.

To do this I turned to some of the current smart, creative, motivated and accomplished women who teach us how to be true to ourselves,  like Elizabeth Gilbert, Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Glennon Doyle, Brene Brown and Marie Forleo.

They teach that the inner voice is steady and calm. We may ignore it sometimes but it is unwavering. It has a quiet confident nature to it.

On the other hand the voice that contradicts our inner voice speaks for our ego. It compares, it’s more aware of scarcity, and it tends to be chattier and quicker. The voice of our ego often has us talking to everyone about our indecision. But in those conversations we’re often hoping that our friend or family member will give voice to the intuition we’re ignoring.

An inner guiding system to teaching our kids to listen to their intuition:

1. Bring awareness to the issue

We tell them that sometimes we know what’s right for us, but it’s hard to listen to that voice. It happens when a friend is making fun of someone and we don’t want to join, or when we are drawn to doing something that we know could be too dangerous. 

2. Give examples

We ask if they have ever felt this conflict. We point out situations in which they might have felt it. Maybe we’ve even observed situations like this for them in real time.

Here’s an example:

The other day I picked up my daughter from a playdate. On the way home she said: “I feel strange.” 

I asked her why and after some prodding she said that something her friend did made her feel uncomfortable (cue the mother freaking out.)

She said that at times her girlfriend became too aggressive in their play and physically hurt my daughter. For instance this happened when she was holding my daughters hand she bent it back too far. My daughter said that she didn’t think her friend meant to hurt her. 

I told my daughter that next time she was with this friend she could tell how she felt. We talked about how to do that. 

But after that I told her something that our generation might not have been told enough:

“You know what feels right and what doesn’t feel right. Always listen to your body and your feelings. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to that voice. You know best”

 

3. Teach them this quick test

This is inspired from Marie Forleo’s “Everything is Figureoutable. I’ve tailored it to fit our kids. I’ve actually used it a bunch of times myself.

  1. Take a moment to think about the situation, opportunity, decision. 
  2. Get still. Take deep breaths.
  3. Ask yourself: When I think about going with a decision, or doing an activity, does it make me:
    •  Feel more relaxed and breathe easier, feel some joy, light heartedness, anticipation, and feel more expansive?
      That’s the calm inner voice.
    • Feel heavier in my chest and make my stomach feel tight, dread, anxiety, feel more contractive?
      It’s a No Go.
  4. Notice how your body feels as you think about each option.

Of course there are moments in which fear is constructive and even imperative for our safety. In those moments we may feel dread and anxiety and will still need to listen to our fear. But those instances aside, we can teach our kids the process above for day to day decisions that might have them confused.

The more they learn to do this now, the more they’ll be practiced by the time they are adults and decisions get even harder..

But parents, there is a risk to listening to our inner voice that we need to tell our kids about top,

The more we do, the more VISIBLE we might be. Meaning, we might go against what others want us to be or do. And that means losing some fans. For instance, if my daughter tells her friend how she feels her friend might not take it well. 

Part of teaching our kids to be in touch with their truth is teaching them that we can’t win them all, but that the cost of going against our truth is often higher than the cost of going against someone else’s.

 

Want a tip on getting your baby to sleep? Check out this post.

Have a friend who needs a weekly parenting boost? Send her this post and tell her to sign up so she’ll get the next one right into her inbox.

 

How to help your baby through new situations

Today we’re going to talk about how your baby learns to feel about new situations and people. I call it the Quick Glance.

Have you ever noticed that when you encounter a new situation or a new person your baby quickly looks over at you? Just like a cub in the wild, your baby is trying to ascertain  – Is this person a threat? Are we in danger? Are we running? Are we staying? 

Sometimes your baby glances over at you so quickly you barely notice it. And in that instant they gather all the information they need.

Psychologists call this Social Referencing. I like to call it the “Quick Glance.”

The Quick Glance is when your baby tries to understand your emotional state through your facial expression, vocal tone, and body language, in order to form their own response toward other people or events in their environment.

The “Visual Cliff” study is a perfect illustration of this.

In this study, babies between 9-12 months are brought into the lab and put on a table with borders. At the midway point the table has a visible drop that is covered by plexiglass so it looks like it drops, but it doesn’t. A toy is placed at the other end of the plexiglass.

So what do the babies do? They want to reach the toy, But when they approached the plexiglass with the visible drop, they hesitate and freeze. And then they quickly look over at their mother.

They search her face to find signs – is she relaxed? Smiling? Nervous? Tense? And they only keep moving forward when they’re satisfied that their mother is calm.

Your baby is expert at picking up your subtle cues. The thing is, often we’re not even aware of our facial expressions and body language. And sometimes we feel one thing but try to convey another – like meeting someone you feel uncomfortable with but smiling during the interaction. 

Your baby is watching it all.

 

So what can we do to help our babies with their Quick Glance?

 

  1. Own It.
    Simply being aware of the fact that your baby is seeking out your cues will make you be more careful about what you are conveying to your baby.
  2. Be Consistent.
    This one is a tough one – your baby is confused by inconsistency. When you smile on the outside but are feeling tense on the inside, or when you feel ambivalent, your baby has a hard time discerning how to make sense of the situation. We can’t always do this, but try to sync your behavior with your expression (if only we could all do this all the time.)
  3. Calm Down
    Especially when your baby is doing new things, like trying new food, climbing up to the slide, learning how to crawl or walk, etc, they are going to look to you for reassurance. Keep your face relaxed and your expression open and positive. The best way to do this is daily meditation, even if it’s only for a few minutes a day.

Here are some extra tips for relaxing your face:

  1. Pick up the corners of your mouth ever so slightly.
  2. Massage your forehead moving to your temples.
  3. Massage your jaw (we hold so much tension there!)
  4. Massage behind your ears
  5. Meditate! A few minutes a day relaxes your face for the rest of the day.

Want to learn more about the Quick Glance and other ways you and your baby communicate? Check out my FREE masterclass called The Biggest Mistake New Parents Make.

Does your friend want to know more about how to communicate and connect with her baby? Send her this Tuesday Tune In and tell her to sign up for more below.

Join our outdoor and Zoom classes to learn more tips about how to help your baby.

 

 

Is playing music as good as singing to your baby?

Dear Tunester, 

I often get the question of whether singing to your baby is more beneficial than playing music on speakers. It’s time to look into this quandary.

Here’s what you tell me –  you’re on a long drive on the highway, your baby starts to fuss, the fussing escalates to crying. Your baby doesn’t want a bottle, you can’t pull over to feed, your baby throws away paci and toys. You put on music and your baby is instantly soothed. Eventually they fall asleep. 

(In your stories it’s always my music but it’s magical soothing powers have yet to be scientifically proven.)

There is no doubt that music has the power to soothe our babies, and US! 

But I wonder – Before you put on the music, did you try to sing to your baby? Would that have worked as well? Or better?

Or when you put your baby to sleep, does it work as well to play a lullaby as it does to sing it?

The question for today is – 

Is live singing more effective than playing recorded music?

 

Let’s break it down. Here’s what we know.

Music has lots of benefits for your baby:

 

Physical Benefits;

The most comprehensive studies have been done with babies in the NICU. Recordings of parents singing, live music played by a music therapist, and recorded music have all been shown to have great benefits for babies in the NICU.

 

Soothing Powers:

We also know that when babies heard a recording of music, they remained calm for twice the amount of time than when they heard a recording of speech.

 

Bonding Boost:

This study found that musical interactions between parents and babies held more positive emotion and more synchronization than simply play interactions. The interactions with music encouraged more connection and were more meaningful.

 

SINGING a lullaby has huge benefits

This one is not a comparison with recorded music, but does show that the babies who parents consistently sang their lullaby had significantly decreased crying.

 

So it’s clear: music does a whole lot for your baby’s emotional state and your connection. 

Now let’s go a step further to see if we can figure out whether live SINGING is the winner over RECORDED music. These two studies can help.

Babies prefer unaccompanied singing to accompanied

This isn’t quite the answer to our question, but the idea here is that babies prefer to hear you sing acapella, without accompanied by instruments. That means they prefer your voice alone to your voice with other sounds. Probably because it is more intimate. This is significant to our question because often recorded music has lots of instruments.

 

Babies prefer live singing over recorded

This study is the only one that actually tested for what we are asking. They did show a SLIGHT difference in live singing vs recorded music and found that the live singing resulted in deeper sleep for preterm infants.

Why might this be? This study has an answer to that question

 

You sing differently to your baby than in the shower

This study (1997) shows that when parents sing directly to their babies their singing is slower, more energetic, has more pitch variability and exaggerated rhythm. Why do we do this? Because we want to attract our baby’s attention and communicate different emotional messages.

That means that when we sing we alter our voice to fit our baby’s mood, physical state, and age. We change subtle things in our voice and rhythm to match our baby in that particular moment. 

Does recorded music do that? NOPE.

 

So who is our winner?

 

I think you knew the answer all along. LIVE SINGING.

 

But not by a ton. Which means that if you don’t want to sing that’s ok. However you should definitely be playing music for soothing and play with your baby.

So what should you do? Three things:

  1. Come to our class, we’ll help you get over any insecurities you have related to your voice, we’ll get you singing in a group and feeling great about it.
  2. Sing to your baby. Today. Anything. Your baby doesn’t care. She just wants to hear YOU sing.
  3. Put on some tunes today. Ella Fitzgerald, Arianna Grande, Bach, Bruno Mars, whoever.

 

Do you have a friend who’s been wondering if she should sing or play music to her baby? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more Tuesday Tune-Ins.

How to inspire a Growth Mindset

Hi Tunester,

I don’t want to freak you out, but whether your kid ends up with a Growth Mindset or a Fixed Mindset, is entirely in your hands (and in the hands of teachers, nannies, etc.)

Eek! First let’s define these terms:

What’s a Growth Mindset?

A growth mindset is the belief that your abilities can be developed and that failures help you grow. People with a growth mindset see setbacks as necessary to learning and improving.

What’s a Fixed Mindset?

A fixed mindset is the belief that talent and intelligence are fixed,  and unchangeable. Since people with a fixed mindset believe that abilities are part of a person’s make-up, failure feels like judgment on who they are. Kids with a fixed mindset run from error and because of that may cheat on tests or find shortcuts. 

How you respond to your kid’s struggles and successes can be the difference between them beileving that mistakes and failures are opportunities for growth, or believing that there’s no point in trying and quitting.

 Not only that, how you react to their failures will one day turn into their own internal voice. No pressure ?

 

Why do you want your kid to have a growth mindset? Because it means they’re able to WORK HARD even when faced with setbacks. And working hard is THE indicator for your baby’s future success. 

If your child thinks of failures as merely stumbling blocks along the way that will actually benefit them, they’ll be willing to get up again and keep trying.

Now let’s talk GRIT

When someone has a growth mindset they’re more likely to develop GRIT, which is determination for long term goals. You can think of it as TENACITY – the passion and ability to persevere through challenge to reach a goal.

Luckily, there are easy fixes you can do, starting NOW, to help your baby or child develop a growth mindset and grit.

 

How to develop your kid’s GRIT:

 

  1. Praise Wisely.
    Try not to praise their intelligence, talent or natural abilities, rather their effort and perseverance. Next time your baby is doing something challenging say something like:

    “You’re working really hard on that!”
    “You were upset when all the blocks fell over but you immediately built the tower up again!”
    “That was really hard for you yesterday and now it seems a little easier.”
  2. Use the word YET.
    You help them detangle failure from identity when you say something like: “it doens’t mean you’re never going to be good at something, it just means you’re not good YET.”
  3. Support them through the challenge.
    When you support your child through failures and challenges you help them practice how to do it on their own . You also teach them that it’s ok to feel dissapointed and that it’s possible to recover and then try again.
  4. Educate them about the Brain.
    When kids learn about the brain and how it changes and grows they are much more willing to persevere because they don’t see failure as a permanent condition. Here’s a cute video that can help you educate your child about growth mindset.
  5. Model Growth Mindset.
    Dear Tunester, our kids see us frustrated about something many times a day. Let’s make it a learning opporunity for them. Be sure to keep your own growth mindset in check and take your failures in stride and try again. They’re watching you… This post will inspire you further.

 

What’s your favorite phrase to help your child develop grit? COMMENT below and let us know.

Have a friend who’s kid gets overwhelmed by challenges and failures? Send her this and tell her to sign up for more Tuesday Tune Ins.

For more inspiration on how to inspire a growth mindset join me on Instagram this week.

How to increase language through DRUMMING

Dear Tunester,

Today you’re going to get a short lesson on drumming with your baby so you BOTH get smarter.

Studies show that when you engage in drumming with your baby, it helps them develop language!

The reason is that language is extremely rhythmic.

For instance, when we speak we syncopate words without even realizing it. Think of how you say “It’s fun to drum”. The rhythm goes – ba paa ba paa. There’s a short beat and then a longer one, and then another short beat and a longer one.

If you said it like a robot – ‘It’s fun to drum” ba ba ba ba, it wouldn’t be syncopated. But we naturally syncopate speech.

When you engage in rhythm with your baby they get a chance to practice this.

Another reason to do these exercises below? They’re soothing for your baby. Try these when your baby is feeling a little fussy. You might be surprised to find that your baby becomes alert and still while you’re drumming.

To do this exercise with your baby you don’t need to be a drummer or know how to play fancy rhythms. You really only need to know a few simple techniques that I’m about to teach you.

Short lesson in time signatures and syncopation:

(be sure to head to my Instagram page to see a video of all this illustrated.)

The rock beat rhythm

Most rock/pop/folk songs use the 4/4 time signature. 

4/4 means that the beat will go like this – 1,2,3,4, 1,2,3,4…

For instance, think of Bohemian Rhapsody. You can probably coun 1t,2,3,4 as you listen to it.

 

The lullaby rhythm

3/4 time signature is a waltz. It’s got a swinging feel to it. With this beat you would count to three each measure – 1,2,3, 1,2,3.

Think of the song Rockabye Baby. You can probably count along as you hear it – 1,2,3, 1,2,3

 

The beat in BETWEEN

All this means is the beat in between the numbers we mentioned above – 1 AND 2 AND 3 AND 4.

 

Most important – SYNCOPATION

Syncopation is when you accent the off beats. Or, stated another way, it’s when you leave out certain beats and accentuate others.

 

Let’s do it!

First – clap to a beat – 1, 2, 3, 4. Keep going…

Now as you’re clapping say 1, and 2, and 3, and 4. Keep going…

Now, clap ONLY on 1, and, 3, and.

Now clap ONLY on 1, and, 3, 4.

And now dear parents, keep playing with this. It’s all about experimenting with different rhythms and having fun. 

If you’d like some help and inspiration, come to a Baby inTune class! Spring classes are blooming. Check the schedule here.

 

As you know, the more you have fun with music the more your baby will too.

 

Do you have a friend who’s ready to take her baby’s language to the next level? Send her this blog and tell her to sign up for more Tuesday Tune Ins.

 

How did it go with your baby? COMMENT below and let me know.

How to turn your Baby in Buddha

Dear Tunester,

Today you’re going to learn an easy game to make your routine walk more exciting and turn your baby (and you) into Buddha

How are you feeling about your walk or your drive home these days? Bored of it? Seen it a million times? Do you know the sidewalk cracks like the back of your hand? Can you say exactly how long it takes for the light to change at an intersection?

Parents, it’s time to get out of our monotonous routine and make things new. Because the fact is, it is ALL new.

The other day my 7 year old was trying to convince me to take her into the toy store that advertised a promotion – ”It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

I questioned her – “isn’t walking down this street a once in a lifetime opportunity?”

“Huh?”

I persisted, as any annoying parent must when they are on a crusade to teach something that feels important.

“Isn’t it ALL a once in a lifetime experience?

…The way the wind just moved that leaf, the way that person just crossed the street right as we were crossing on the other side. The combination of everything happening just this way will only happen once, in this very moment.”

She cocked her head and thought about it.

Where am I going with this?

It’s time to turn our babies and ourselves into Buddha this week.

LIfe can’t be about going through it all as if we’ve been there before

Don’t worry, I am not going to suggest that you sit on the sidewalk and meditate. But I am going to suggest a new game.

It’s called: For the First Time

Here’s how you play: Tell your kid that the game is to see who can notice things that you’ve never noticed before on the walk you’ve done a thousand times.

It may take them a minute to get what you mean. My daughter said: “There isn’t anything new! I’ve seen all this before.”

But did she notice the edge of the crack on the sidewalk where a flower bud is peeping out? Did you notice the window above your head with that red curtain? Did she notice that there was a nest in that tree? Did you notice the reflection in that puddle?

 

This game is so simple, but it does so much:

  1. It opens our senses to experiences that felt boring and old.
  2. It makes us share what we notice with each other and that’s exciting. In fact, we want to encourage our kids to share their perspective as much as possible. It’s how we foster their creativity and voice.
  3. It makes us appreciate the small things in life that are ever changing and beautiful. It takes some effort to tune in to the beauty that is more hidden from our everyday eyes.

So – for today’s boring walk home let’s make it more interesting…

Can you notice something For the First Time?

Want to see this game in action with my daughter? It will be on my Instagram page this week.

For more inspiration on how to do this at home, check out THIS POST.

Also, when I have a minute on my own the podcast On Being always puts me in a more curious and perceptive state of mind.

Have a friend who is bored out of her mind by her monotonous walk home with the stroller every day? Send her this blog and tell her to sign up for more weekly gems.

Please Make Mistakes!!

Dear Tunester,

Do you know what makes your baby’s brain grow? It’s surprising. Read on…

If you follow me on Instagram you know that I’m a bit addicted to podcasts. I listen to them in the car, on a run and while cleaning the bathroom. My favorite these days is called Huberman Lab. It’s a show that teaches how our brain controls behavior and health and how we can improve upon it.

In a recent episode he talked about what makes for brain plasticity. Meaning, what triggers the brain to change and grow.

You know what it is? It’s not reading something, meditating, or doing something consistently. 

It’s MAKING MISTAKES.

 

Today I want to encourage you to let your baby make mistakes, and for YOU to make mistakes. Not only that, I want you to make plenty of mistakes in front of your baby.

Huberman says that “errors are how our nervous system is cued…that something isn’t going right, and therefore certain neurochemicals are deployed that signal the neural circuits that they have to change.”

Basically, making mistakes sends a signal to our nervous system that something isn’t working and needs to CHANGE. And it does!!

 

Why is this important for us as parents? For two reasons:

First of all, because your baby is going to make millions of mistakes along the way. Every time they learn something new it will come with some mistakes. And you, my friend may want to help them out so they avoid the mistake you see coming.

I’m here to say – DON’T. Let them make mistakes. They need to for their neural growth.

The second reason is that as you know your baby is constantly watching YOU. So just as important as letting your baby make mistakes is letting yourself make mistakes. Not only that, I want to encourage you to do it in front of them.

The thing is, humans don’t like feeling frustration. But the ones who learn persevere through challenges do very well. It’s what psychologists call Grit.

Your baby is actually born with much more frustration tolerance than you are. They don’t have years of judgment piled on. Most of the time, they are quite willing to try something over and over. Then they may take a break, and then go back to it.

It’s US who often find it hard to tolerate. 

Here are a few scenarios for you to take into your week:

  1. Your baby is trying to get up on their knees but they keep falling.
    Your baby’s brain is growing!
  2. Your baby is trying to turn pages in their board book but they can only do two or three at a time and they keep trying.
    Their brain is growing!
  3. Your baby is trying to learn how to stand but keeps falling down.
    Their brain is growing!
  4. Your baby keeps trying to put the circle toy into the square spot.
    Their brain is growing!
  5. Your baby is trying to bring the spoon to their mouth but the food ends up on the table.
    Their brain is growing!

 

This week, dear Tunie, see if you can change your perspective on your baby’s and your own mistakes. See them as GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES instead of failures.

Want more inspiration for letting your baby try and try again? Check out this blog post.

What mistakes can you celebrate your baby doing this week? COMMENT below and let us know.

Have a friend who could use some mistake encouragement? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more of the Tuesday Tune In below.

 

The magic toy you’ve been neglecting

Dear Tunester,

Did you know that balls are one of the best toys for your baby? Here’s why… 

You know I’m all about connection right? Helping you find joyful and peaceful moments during your day to bond with your baby.

Well today let’s talk about a much neglected toy in your home that can actually be a connection-maker/brain-enhancer/ body-developer.

Know what it is? BALLS. 

Here’s what playing with balls can do for your baby:

  1. Develop their physical skills.
  2. Develop awareness of their surroundings.
  3. Develop their social skills.
  4. Develop language skills.

Wow! In the words of my friend Mindy from one of our favorite podcasts “Wow in the World,” that’s Bonker Balls!

There are so many ways to play with balls that your baby will surely learn when they are school age. But playing with balls can start as early as now and will have much of the same benefits.

 

Ball Activity to do With Your Baby:

Roll a ball between you and your baby, or around your baby while singing the song below.

Pre-Sitting Babies:

Roll the ball around your baby, bringing it close to them and then close to you.

Sitting and Standing Babies:

Sit with your legs open creating an enclosed rolling area and roll the ball back and forth to each other.

 

Have a few balls around in case your baby wants to explore the texture and shape of the ball through their mouth.

 

Benefits of playing ball with this song:

 

Gross and fine motor skills:

Let’s start with the simple act of rolling. When you give your baby balls of different sizes they learn how to manipulate large and small objects. They use their fingers to push and pick up a small ball, which develops their fine motor skills, and they use their full arms and sometimes whole body to pick up and roll larger balls. That develops their gross motor skills.

 

Develops hand-eye coordination

This one seems like a no brainer – moving an object entails hand eye coordination. But there is another aspect to this. When you play together with a ball with your baby, you are both focusing on the movement of the object. And this is crucial. Studies show when your baby develops the ability to look and manipulate an object, they elicit YOUR joint attention to that object. And that, dear Tunie, elicits joint play=CONNECTION.

 

Spacial awareness

Simply rolling and throwing a ball develops spacial awareness because it teaches them concepts of direction, distance and location. 

 

Object Permanence

It was once thought that object permanence develops at 8 months but now we know that it actually starts to develop around 4-7 months. Basically it is your baby’s ability to know that something exists even when it disappears. Playing games to help your baby understand this is great for their development. And a ball, that comes and goes, is a perfect toy for the job.

 

Language Skills

If you are using the song below while you roll the ball back and forth then you are teaching your baby your name and their name. The ball is acting like a pointer, explaining to your baby that that when the ball is near them you say their name, and when it is near you you sing your name. By using the space you are illustrating the idea of labels to your baby.

 

Social Skills

This game is so simple and yet teaches your baby so much. It is the beginning of teaching them the concept of sharing. By having a joint toy that is being passed back and forth you are teaching your baby that it is ok to release it because it wil come back to them,.

 

Connection and Bonding

Simply by taking at moment to have a joint focus with your baby while doing something playful and open ended, you are engaging in some high quality bonding time 🙂

 

Looking for more musical activities to do with your baby to get through the winter? Try these.

 

Ok Tunie, go forth and play ball! And let me know how it goes.

 

Do you have a friend who needs some more fun in their day with their baby? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more.

Your Parent Superpower – TRAUMA

The other day at therapy I was talking about the work I do, helping parents connect to their baby, and my therapist said – 

 “That’s what you wanted as a baby but didn’t”.

And I realized she was right.

At the risk of pulling out that tiny violin playing the “poor me” song, I can say that much of what I teach you all, and what I work hard to give me kids, is what I needed as a kid but didn’t always get.

I also had an undeniably wonderful childhood. But the fact is that we all have trauma on some level. It’s inevitable. Our babies will also end up on that therapy couch no matter how mindful we are with our parenting. 

Why do we all end up with trauma on some level?

Because harmful patterns and behaviors are passed down through generations. Sometimes they’re so ingrained that any other behavior seems odd to us.

Sometimes these patterns become obstacles that we can’t seem to overcome no matter how hard we try, like the friend we keep around despite feeling hurt after every time we see them.

Home feels like home – familiar and comfortable – no matter how harmful it is sometimes.

But every now and then, when we put in the work to understand our traumas and what left us feeling abandoned, neglected, or distressed as children, we’re able to make magic happen.

It’s precisely what was most traumatic for us that might just turn into your parenting super power.

 

 

If you can take the time to figure out what your trauma is and where it came from, you may be able push against it, soften, and turn to the world with a burning desire to correct your experience.

How would that look? It would be you acknoledging your trauma and noticing your harmful patterns. Sometimes they’ll spill out with your kids and then the work is in the repair.

When we can bravely say to our kids – “I’m sorry, I screwed up,” we give them a chance to heal and in the process we heal ourselves.

And when all the stars align, the world will benefit from your scar. And your children will feel your passion to make sure they don’t have the same issue.

They may have others, but not that one 🙂

And then that very trauma that left us wide eyed, in a corner, waiting for a hug, will turn into your unique parenting super power that noone else has as strongly as you.

Your biggest job, besides keeping your baby safe, is to mind your inner state so that you can turn your traumas around, turn them into love for your baby, and then dear parent – get the hell out of their way and let them be who they are 🙂

Let’s go out and use our superpowers!!

 

Do you see your trauma as your parenting superpower? Comment below and let me know!

Do you have a friend who needs to know about her superpower? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for future Tuesday Tune Ins.

How to alter your voice

Dear Tunester, 

Today I’m going to explain the importance of your voice for your baby, and how you can alter your voice to be more effective.

As a kid I had a raspy voice. When I sang with my cousins it was clear that they had the “prettier” voices – smooth, light, clear. Mine was a lawn mower.

As I got older I grew to like my voice, or at least fully accept it, and how it always sounded like a whisper, as if I was always telling a secret.

Your voice is our invisible calling card. Its a huge part of how you communicate with your baby. And yet, it’s an aspect of ourselves we don’t often think about.

We tend to focus on clothing, behavior, and facial expressions when we talk about someone’s personality. But studies show that we listen to the sound and tone of voices twice as much as what’s being said.

Your voice communicates your feelings, temperament and identity. 

 

Men tend to feel how poignantly intertwined their voice is with their identity when they go through puberty. Suddenly, songs they once sung seem too high, and people respond differently to them on the phone. Women’s voices often become lower as they age or after they give birth. Joni Mitchell is a perfect example of this. 

When this happens, it can take a while for the identity to catch up to the new voice.

It’s the reason recent science has developed new ways to provide those who need a mechanical voice with one that will be more nuanced and specific to who they are. Now, a 6 year old girl doesn’t need to have the “Perfect Paul” (Stephen Hawkings) or the “Beautiful Better” (Siri) which used to be all that existed.

 

Now let’s think about your baby. Your baby is ONLY listening to the tone of your voice. It is paramount to how you are communicating with your baby. 

With a little awareness and intention, you can alter your voice to be more effective with your baby so that you convey exactly what you want to convey.

 

Here are some exercises to alter your voice in order to be more effective in your communication with your baby:

 

1. Gain Awareness
Often we’re not aware of how our voice sounds to our kids, not only because we’re used to it but because it sounds lower in our heads than outside in the world.
Recording your voice when you are speaking can give you great insight.  We often think we know but it can surprise you.
Part of this exercise is not to judge! You’re just listening curiously.

 

2. Travel in Your Body
Your voice can change vastly simply focusing on different areas in your body as you speak. We sometimes experiment with this in our classes. Try speaking from your diaphragm, from your throat, or from your nose. See how your tone and energy change. This awareness can help you be more intentional with your baby.

For instance, when I record songs, I usually imagine that my mouth is on my belly. It helps me sing from a deeper place.

 

3. Embody Others
This one might be the most effective of all the techniques I use when working to alter my voice, especially when it comes to speaking to your baby in stressful situations. Conjure up a voice that you WISH you had, or someone with a voice you admire, and imagine that you have their voice. Let your entire tone, cadence and melody change to be that person.
I actually do this a lot when I am singing a song at home or at the mic. I imagine I am someone else who I think would sound perfect singing my song – Sara Bareilles, Sam Cooke, Ed Sheeran, and I sing like they would. It often gets me out of overthinking it and into a more calm place.

 

4. Stay Hydrated
The singers among you know this. Keeping your voice hydrated is paramount to keeping it healthy and flexible. Lots of water, tea, and a humidifier can help make your voice feel stronger and calmer.

 

Last Tip:

Skip the voice

Sometimes your body language and facial expressions can say it all. If you are feeling overwhelmed and know that you won’t be able to control your voice, try using your body language instead. 

For instance open your body to a hug or to convey warmth. Or do what I often do when I’m pissed  – simply use THE LOOK.

 

For a great way yo use your voice to SOOTHE your baby check out this post.

 

So, dear Tunester, do you wish you could alter your voice a bit? Or just be more aware of what you are conveying to your baby? COMMENT below and let us know!

 

Do you have a friend who would love to try some of these excercises? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for future Tuesday Tune-Ins.

 

To hear new songs and find out how these tips look in action, follow us on Instagram at Baby in Tune.

 

The ultimate Valentines game for you and your child

Dear Tunester,

Valentine’s Day is around the corner and we can either dismiss it as a money seizing Hallmark holiday, or use it as a reminder to be more intentional about how we show our love to those around us.

Let’s choose #2 this year. Why? Because if there’s one thing Covid has taught us it’s that life is fragile and short. And though the pink hearts in the windows may make your red blood boil, Valentine’s Day also brings a sentiment that we can stand behind too.

Today I want to offer you a little game that I play with my kids whenever I’m feeling distant from one of them.

Those of you who have more than one know that finding moments of connection with each child is key to their emotional state and to keeping the peace in the home.

Whenever one of my kids is going through a period of acting out more, having more tantrums, or seeming more down than usual, I know they need a one-on-one boost.

The game I’m about to suggest is a direct way to filling their cup and reminding them how much we love them. It’s a simple game but it runs deep.

I’m going to give you two versions of this activity – one to do with talkers and one with pre-talkers/infants.

 

The ultimate Valentine’s activity to do with your kid:

 

For talkers:

It’s fairly simple. You say:

“Let’s play a game. We each say why we love each other. I’ll go first.”

And then you say something about their character or personality, not about things they can’t control like physical attributes. You might say:

“I love you because you always find a way to make activities more fun.”

“I love you because you always notice when I need a little help.”

“I love you because the first thing you want to do in the morning is hug me.”

You go back and forth with them, each saying one thing.

That’s it! That’s all it is. But I assure you that if you do it, it will do wonders.

 

For pre-talkers:

I wish I had done this with my babies.

YOu’re going to come up with a similar list of why you love your baby, and WRITE it down. 

It might be something like:

“I love you because you smile and jump up first thing in the morning when you see me.”

“I loev you because you make me laugh when you…”

That list is going to be something you want to go back to in a few years. It will remind you of the little quirks that you adored. You think you’ll remember these details, but you won’t. The reason is that they’re going to continue to have quirks that you love. You can’t possibly remember them all.

Also, your baby will also want to see that list once they’re old enough. I often try to recall things my kids did as babies and tell them about it. But unfortunately they often blend into one and I can’t remember exactly who did what. Definitely a function of child-birth related memory loss…

 

It’s amazing how long we can go without telling the people we love why we love them. It takes some bravery.

So this Valentine’s Day let’s change that.

TODAY is the day to tell your baby (and other people you love) exactly why you love them 🙂

Do you have a friend who needs some Valentines inspiration? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In.

Want some ideas for how to repair your relationship with your partner on this Valentine’s? Check out this post.

What will you tell YOUR child today when you play this game? Please COMMENT below and let us know. Let’s share the love.

 

 

4 ways to turn a tantrum around

Hi Tunester,

Today’s post is all about what to do with your toddler when you hit those hair pulling tantrum scenes that you know so well if you’ve got a baby over 12 months:

I want that! No, I want THAT!! No THAT!!!! No No No No!!!

I can do it myself! I can’t do it!! Don’t help me!

Waaaaaaa! (flat down on the sidewalk)

The strategies I’m about to give you are from moms in our Baby in Tune classes and I fully endorse them all. 

Before we go into them, remember your most important first steps – 

  • Empathize.
  • Allow for difficult emotions.
  • Take a breath.
  • Know that it is completely normal and will pass.

Ok. Now let’s look at 4 great ways to handle tough moments.

 

4 Strategies to Turn a Tantrum Around.

 

Sing a song

It’s probably not surprising that this is my favorite technique. When you sing a song as your baby is having a hard time, it does a few things:

  1. Lightens up the mood. It lowers your baby’s (and your) cortisol levels and reduces stress.
  2. Adds playfulness to the situation. Reminds you both that there is another way to deal with the situation.
  3. Offers a solution. For instance, the mom who said she sings a song uses the Hokey Pokey when her toddler is having a hard time getting dressed – “you put your right leg in…)
  4. Is a time keeper. Gives your baby to take a few breaths until the song is over. By that time they might have regained some equilibrium.

(This week I’ll be illustrating these strategies on my Instagram page if you want ot see them in action.)

Find the Game

This is the ultimate cure for tantrums. It can be most effective but also demands the most from you initially.

It’s about finding the play or the game in the situation. The reason its so hard for us is that when your baby is yelling in the shopping cart, arching their back and trying to throw anything in reach, you might not exactly feel like playing. You probably feel like getting the hell out of there as soon as possible.

But if for a moment you’re able to access your super-parent powers that may be dormant at that moment, you can turn the situation around completely. Once you manage to eke out a small smile you’ll be cruising.

Examples:

  • If your baby is having a hard time getting dressed, you might stick your hand into a pant leg and surprise them by turning it into a puppet. 
  • Maybe you put your shopping list aside for a moment and start driving the car around like a car, cutting corners and making car noises.
  • When they don’t want to get out of the bath maybe you take one of the bath animals and act out a scene with them in the water that ends with the animal exiting the bath

 

Stand By

You want your child to know that it is totally ok to have big emotions and to express them in any way that is not harmful to them or others. With this strategy you are giving your toddler the space they might need but are also letting them know that you are with them.  It works best when you’re at home and have time to ride it out with them.

You can say something like “I’m with you. It’s ok. let me know when you’re ready for me to help you.”

The important part is to do this without resentment or anger. You’re standing by and allowing space for your toddler’s feelings.

 

Set a Timer

Sometimes tantrums happen right when you need to get somewhere, get dressed, leave the house, get out of the store and you don’t have the time to patiently let your toddler ride through their peaks and valleys.

In those cases it’s nice to provide your baby with some structure. Having limits can be comforting, especially when they’re in a state of loss of control. It also helps you feel a sense of control and gather yourself before approaching again with patience and compassion.

What you would do is say – “I’m going to put a timer on for 3 minutes. During the 3 minutes you can try on your own as much as you want. Once the timer goes off you’ll let me help you.”

 

Important:

Before, during, or after these episodes make sure you give YOURSELF the same compassion. Let yourself step away for a minute, gather yourself, give yourself a hug.

Better yet, do this for me – high five your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself you’re a kick ass mama. And then get back in the ring.

 

Do you have a friend who needs tantrum help? Send them this post and tell them to sign up below for more helpful tips.

What strategy do you use when your baby is having a tantrum? Is it any of these? COMMENT below and let me know.

 

For more info on different types of tantrums and how to handle them check out this post.

 

The best way to read a book to your baby

Dear Tunie,

This week is all about making your book-reading to your baby the best it can be.

Why read books to your baby? The research is very clear – It is extremely beneficial.  Here’s why:

Cognitive: Reading books to your baby develops their language and communication skills. It also develops their ability to think symbolically – a picture = word= thing in reality.

Emotional: Books show pictures of characters with expressions. When you read to your baby you help them make sense of these emotions.

Social: This is the most important one. Book reading is an activity you both do together. You are both focused together and are sharing in an experience. Even better when there is physical closeness as you read the book together.

But HOW you read a book to your baby will have a huge effect on whether your baby is getting the full benefits.

As usual, music plays a big part in your baby’s learning from books. So does your sense of playfulness, Zen, acting skills, and preschool teacher instincts.

Here are some ways to up your book-reading game.

 

How to read your baby books for the most coginitve, social and emotional development:

 

  1. Sing it
    Babies learn language through melody. Books are like a song. Notice how you probably sing song the books you’ve been reading over and over to your baby. That’s great! Accentuate the song, let your baby learn the song. Eventually they will be able to read the book to because they remember the song of it.
  2. Let go
    Does your little baby move forward, backward and skip pages? That’s ok! For your baby things are not linear, that’s something we teach them as they grow. For now, they’re simply enjoying the physicality of the book, the pictures and being with you. Eventually they will want to read from beginning to end. If they’re not there yet, let it go. Enjoy your baby’s refreshing perspective that ther is no end game. That’s our own thing.
  3. Take your time
    Let your baby point to things. What’s more important to your baby than finishing the book is interacting with you. They love the joint attention on something together. They want to show you what you see so you can join in their perspective.
  4. Be the characters
    As you start to get into character books, even something like Goodnight Moon, get into character! Use voices, make it interesting. Through your acting your baby will start to understand the idea that the pictures in the book represent beings with stories.
  5. Show Emotions
    As the characters start to have more complicated emotions, like sadness, anger, disappointment, be the actor you always dreamed about being! Your baby is learning a lot about emotions by watching you pretend.
  6. Leave blanks
    As your baby gets older start asking questions – What’s that? Or let them fill in the end of a sentence they know. Why might they know the last word? Because its like a song!

 

This week I’ll be demonstrating all this on my Instagram channel. Come join me!

 

Dear Tunester, what is your baby’s favorite book? COMMENT below so we can share them with each other.

Do you have a friend who needs some book reading inspiration? Send them this post.

 

Tell them to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In to get more useful tips right to her inbox.

What is Co-Regulation and how do you do it?

Co-Regulation. It’s the buzz word of our era of parenting. So what is it?

In extremely simple terms, it means to calm your baby. But there’s a twist. The focus has shifted a bit since grandma raised your parents. 

 

But let’s back up. In order to understand Co-regulation let’s look at Regulation.

What is Self-Regulation?

Self- Regulation is the ability to manage your thoughts, feelings and actions. When you can self regulate you can respond rather than react when you face strong emotions or stressful situations. You are aware of your emotions and have control over how you express them.

 

The Twist

Your baby needs help to regulate. They weren’t born with the ability to do it on their own. However, instead of seeing your role as simply regulating your baby, your role is helping your baby learn how to regulate themselves.

It’s an important distinction that will take you through parenting at all ages. 

Instead of – “I soothe you.”

It’s “I help YOU soothe you.”

(That’s so Jerry Maguire!)

And how do you do that? By Co-Regulating.

 

How to Co-Regulate

I hate to say it parent, but in order for you to teach your baby how to self-soothe you need to first soothe yourself.

Your baby will only start to calm if you are able to convey to them that they are safe and are attuned to. It comes down to the way you use your voice, gestures, affects, and movements.  And your baby is expert at assessing your cues.

Here’s the good news – The more you help your baby cope with moments of stress, the more they will internalize the process and learn how to do it themselves, without your help. So you’re not stuck doing this forever, but it is crucial you learn how to do it now.

 

So how do we actually Co-regulate?

 

1 . YOU self soothe.

Your baby is extremely sensitive to your behavior and emotions. If you’re feeling stressed you might have a harder time calming your baby which of course will agitate your baby more and make you feel more stressed.

This is not a chicken or the egg situation. When your baby is crying, or distressed,, you need to initiate the regulating.

How do you do that? Deep breaths, take a moment away from the situation , call a soothing friend or family member for help, put on music, etc. (Need a Fussy Baby Playist? I’ve got you covered.)

2. Tend to your baby’s physical needs.

A lot of regulating your baby has to do with being attuned to their physical needs – food and sleep.

3. Provide warmth and nurturing.

Convey through your voice, body and face that you empathize with your baby and are there to support them.

4. Decrease stimulation.

Modify your baby’s environment to decrease stress – turn off screens, lower the lights, reduce noise. These shifts are very effective in soothing you both.

5. Label Emotions.

Especially for older babies, give your baby words to understand and express what they are feeling. Teach them what those words mean.

6. Provide structure and routine.

When your baby is having a hard time with a transition rely on routines that comfort them like a lullaby before sleep, a food that they normally eat, a walk that soothes them, etc.

7. Model Regulation.

Have patience for your baby and yourself. Model calmly waiting. Sometimes it simply takes time. Modely self calming strategies like deep breaths.

 

2 Examples of Co-Regulation:

 

Example #1 – When your baby goes to sleep it can be stressful for them. The transition from being with you to parting and quieting down can be hard. By singing a lullaby you convey calm, you lower their cortisol with your voice and the melody, you hold them and help them feel safe and contained.

Eventually, as your baby grows, they will start to sing the lullaby to themselves. Have some of your babies already done this? It’s the cutest thing to hear your baby softly singing to themselves essentially embodying the sense of calm they feel when you do it.

 

Example #2 – Does your baby get upset when they need to part from you? Coregulating might look like another adult holding your baby as you part. They might consistently soothe your baby while being attuned and responsive to your baby’s needs. Through their voice, tone and body they would convey calm and safety to your baby.

 

As time goes on your baby may still be distressed by these transitions, but after having learned how it feels in their body to calm down and regulate  will be able to do it for themselves. And then these moments go from distressing to manageable.

The behavior of the people around your baby help to wire your baby’s neurobiology during the millions of stressful moments that your baby has during their first years.

Don’t worry. You don’t need to be there to co-regulate all of the time.Studies show that if your baby is co-regulated 30% of the time then we’re doing pretty well.

Dear Tunie, we are in especially challenging times right now. You and your baby need Co-regulation. I hope this post helps a bit in finding it (for more advice on how to handle tantrums try this post.)

 

Do you have a friend who needs help with regulation and co-regulation? Who doesn’t? Lol. Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more in the future.

 

Please COMMENT and let me know if this is helpful and how YOU coregulate.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

3 minutes is all you need

Dear Tunester,

Today I offer you a 3 minute activity that will increase your baby’s well being and will be enjoyable for you both. Its a win win. Let’s get to it.

2022 has begun! 

Remember how last week we talked about the only parenting resolution you need to have?

It was doing what you actually ENJOY with your baby. And believe it or not, that’s what will benefit your baby’s cognitive, emotional and social development the most.

Today I want to give you an idea for exactly HOW to enjoy your time with your baby.

And the surprising part – You need to do almost nothing.

 

Over the years I’ve learned that one of the biggest reasons you come to our classes and read my blog is to learn how to be more present with your baby.

When we do it right we find the joy that we are craving amidst the exhaustion and endless diaper changes.

So in this first week of 2022 I want to give you a very simple exercise to do TODAY.

It only takes 3 minutes and the reward is HUGE.

It’s unrealistic to think you can (or should) be present with your baby all day. Impossible! You’ve got a million things to do, you haven’t slept a full night in weeks (months?), you need YOU time, and being with a baby is not always interesting or fun.

But if you can find 3 minutes a day to put all your to-dos on the shelf and be with your baby fully, you’ll feel like you won at your day.

 

3 minute activity to ENJOY your baby

 

(i’ll also be posting a short video guiding you through this on Instagram so be sure to follow me there.)

1. Pick the right time

Find a moment when your baby is content – they aren’t hungry or tired, rather they’re perfectly happy to play and explore.

2. Get into position

Try to have your gaze next to theirs. Are they lying down on the floor? Get down on the floor with them. Are they sitting? Sit low so your head is in line with theirs. Are they walking around? Crouch down to their level.

3. Be curious

Your main questions should be – How does the world look and feel for my baby? The answer lies in your asking many questions – What is my baby looking at? Are they holding something? Are they moving around? What is their path? Are they gazing out the window? At what? Are they looking at you? Are they exploring a toy? 

4. Notice your baby’s preferences

Get even more curious about your baby’s interests – Ask yourself specifics like -what part of the toy do they want to explore? What exactly draws their attention outside? Is it the movement of the leaves? What sound just pulled their attention away? 

5. Experience with your baby

When your baby plays with a toy, or looks around, they seem as if they are in a state of flow. They are completely focused on a task, they are working to understand.

Let yourself get lost in their investigation of the world. Let them teach you how to truly examine something that you may have taken for granted for years.

Now notice how it feels for you. 

So many parents in our classes tell us that when they do this they realize how relaxing it is, how enjoyable it is for them.

And your baby loves having your attention with them too. You’ll find that they will play for much longer than if you were sitting next to them on your phone. 

 

So how can we go into 2022 with enjoyment AND our baby’s well being at the top of our list?

Find 3 minutes a day to let your baby lead you in their exploration.

 

Have a friend who needs a tip on how to focus less on the technical stuff of caring for a baby, and focus more on connection and enjoyment? Send them this post.

Tell them to sign up for future posts below:

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

My parenting resolution for 2022

Dear Tunester,

I’ve got a parenting resolution for you that I think you can actually keep. Not only that, It’s one resolution that will have the biggest impact on your baby’s and YOUR well being.

 

You know how people say – enjoy your time with your baby, it goes by so fast?

 

It’s annoying! First of all because you tend to hear it in public right when you’re baby needs to eat NOW, you can barely remember why you went to the store in the first place because of hormones, and all you want is sweet long slumber. In those moments, you kind of want it to go by fast.

But also because it feels out of your control. As if you need to enjoy whatever comes even though much of it isn’t enjoyable.

 

In 2022 let’s change it to this:

 

Do the things you enjoy most with your baby. It goes by so fast.

 

This is more profound than it looks. Hear me out. I’ve got my own experience and research to back it up.

 

Let’s start with the juicier one. I have a confession to make:

I was a better parent with my third than with my first two.

 

Ouch.

 

You know why? Not because I KNEW more things about parenting, but because I let myself off the perfect parent hook. I let go of all the shoulds, and whenever I could, I chose to do the things that I actually WANTED to do. 

 

When I stopped enjoying nursing I gave it up. I didn’t read books that weren’t interesting to me too, I lazed in bed with her instead of doing dishes. I even took her across the country to do a tour because I wanted to do it and didn’t feel like pumping enough milk. At night the Airbnb was freezing and we kept each other warm and cozy all night 🙂

 

I enjoyed her. I found time for myself. I didn’t berate myself for what I was or wasn’t doing. I just let her and myself BE.

 

And that meant I was a happier mama, and she was a happier baby. 

 

Attachment theory shows us that what’s most important, and the biggest indicator as to whether you will have a secure attachment with your baby, is whether you ENJOY your time with them.

 

It’s not about what schedule your baby is on, what stroller they have, or even what songs you teach them. It’s about whether you enjoy singing those songs with them.

 

Obviously there’s a ton of stuff you need to do as a parent that you don’t necessarily enjoy or choose to do. 

 

But there are lots of micro decisions you make throughout the day about what you SHOULD or SHOULDN’T do. All I am saying is, in the words of Tony Robbins, “Don’t should all over yourself.”

 

In 2022, dear Tunie, keep asking yourself – Am I ENJOYING what I am doing with my baby in this moment? And when the answer is No – do something else.

 

Obviously we need to help them sleep, keep them clean, and feed them. We have no choice in those matters, but even within those, we can probably find ways to do it that will be more enjoyable for us.

 

Quick story – For the last two weeks my son has been begging us to play a family game of basketball. I kept saying no. I love that he wants us to play together, but I don’t like playing basketball! It didn’t sound enticing to me in the least. And that’s ok.

 

But yesterday I finally did want to. Maybe it was because I had taken a surfing lesson earlier (join me on Instagram to follow my novice progress,) and felt energized, or maybe the evening just felt right. I rallied the rest of the family and we hit the court. 

 

And you know what? We had a great time. Because at that moment, I really enjoyed it. And because of that I was the best mom I could be. I was able to manage my son’s expectations, keep the peace among the kids, and steel the ball illegally from my husband. My shooting average, on the other hand, was shameful.

 

What is your parenting resolution for 2022? Please COMMENT below and let me know. 

 

Do you have a friend who needs encouragement to do what she enjoys? Send them this. Help them get off the parenting hook in order to be a better parent. Tell them to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In below.

 

I reread the lessons I learned last year and boy do they still apply. What did you learn this year?

 

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The best way to handle family ‘baby experts’

Dear Tunester,

Despite the pandemic putting a damper on our holidays once again (we hate you Omicron), many of you will be seeing family in the next two weeks. And that can be heartwarming and helpful. But it can also drive a tired mama INSANE.

 

Why? Because our family possesses the unbridled power to expose and push our buttons. Like the Joker to Superman, they have the ability to unearth insecurities and stoke resentment that has been dormant for years. 

 

And here you are, with your Lois Lane baby.  She might give you confidence, but she also makes you that much more vulnerable. 

 

 

How does the kryptonite look? Like this:

“Are you SURE your baby needs to go to sleep right now?

“Did the baby eat enough? Seems like he needs more.”

“Oh she can stay up just a little bit longer to be with her grandma.”

“When you were a baby we just fed you when you were hungry we didn’t notice the times or the amount.”

 

In your sleep deprived, already confused, hormonal state, that doesn’t go down very well, ESPECIALLY when it comes from the emperor Joker – The In-Laws.

 

Don’t worry Superman. Here are 2 ways to go into the holidays stronger than ever and make sure Lois is protected.

 

2 ways to handle unsolicited advice from family:

 

1. Use yourself as a gauge:

Right when your family is passing the baby around one too many times, or when they insist the baby isn’t tired and wants to keep playing, or when they are criticizing your hard-earned routine, use yourself as a gauge for what your baby is feeling.

 

The easiest way to get thrown off is to say – maybe it’s just me. Maybe the baby is fine with all this. 

 

That might be true. But at this stage, while your baby is little, you are very connected to their needs and often even have the same needs. For instance,

 

If you are feeling overstimulated, most likely your baby is too.

If you are feeling tired, most likely your baby is too.

If you need to get away and feed in a quiet spot, most likely your baby does too.

 

Use that superpower!

Your protective energy is fierce right now for a reason. Use it. That means trusting your instincts and not second guessing them in order to make a family member happy.

 

How would that look? 

If you are feeling slightly overstimulated, tired, anxious, foggy, simply say:

“I think the baby needs to go nurse right now. We’ll be back in a bit.”

“I need to go change her diaper. She likes being in a quiet space for that.”

“I’m going to take him on a walk so he can fall asleep. He;s tired.”

 

2. Give a compliment.

Here’s the thing. Your family members give you advice because they want to be involved. They (usually) genuinely want to help. They may even want to correct wrongs they feel they did when they were parents.  

 

But times have changed, science has taught us new ways to parent, and more importantly, you have a different style from your family members.

 

But instead of trying to fight back, or silently stewing and leaving the weekend resentful and annoyed, what if you gave a compliment?

 

This is a practice I first learned from this video about bullying and fell in love with it. It’s a great one to teach your kids too.

 

It would look like this:

 

Them – “When you were a baby we just fed you when you were hungry. We didn’t notice the times or the amount.”

You – “You made sure I was fed and rested.”

 

Them – “Awe don’t put the baby to sleep now. Let me just hold her for longer.”

You – “She loves being with you. I am so glad she has this connection with you.”

 

Here’s the important part – leave out the BUT. You don’t need it. Just let your compliment sit, give it a minute, and THEN take the baby quietly to another room for some down time.

 

The heartbreaking part of it all

 

Your family, and especially your parents, need the same thing you:

To know they’re good parents.

 

They love your baby more than anyone else besides you and want to be near them. They also want to correct their wrongs and showcase their rights. 

 

And what do you need dear Tunie? – to know that they think YOU’RE a good parent. For them to say they’re proud of who you’ve become.

 

Let’s go into this holiday season like Superman – knowing your strengths, acknowledging your weakness, fiercely protecting Lois, and trusting your super-senses to know what’s best for you both.

 

Do you have a fellow supermama who is heading for kryptonite and needs to hear this? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more in the form below.

 

Do you think you can actually give a compliment instead of stew with resentment? COMMENT below and let me know.

 

(For more on how to handle the family panel of judges read this post.)

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

3 ways my husband and I revive the romance

Dear Tunester,

There are two things that can beat a marriage to a pulp:

  1. Babies
  2. Covid

Since you know exactly what I’m talking about, let’s just call out the highlights.


With the baby – Utter exhaustion, running on empty, and zero self care are not food for romance. Neither is the “Who Sleeps More” debate. I wrote about that here.

 

Beyond that, eroticism is in the diaper bin. Why? Because you are constantly touching, kissing, petting, and practically making out with someone other than your partner – namely, your baby. 

 

And then there’s Covid – Add social distancing to already extreme baby isolation. 

 

Why is isolation a marriage killer? Because in order to feel sexy and desirable we need to be in touch with the best parts of ourselves. And we do that by looking into the mirrors around us. Not actual mirrors, but human ones. 

 

The people we choose to have around help us understand who we are and who we want to become. When we only have our partner around as we did during the last two years, it’s like wearing the same outfit for weeks. Eventually you don’t even glance in the mirror to see how it looks anymore.

 

Once we stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of others we stop feeling special. Sexy, interesting, and so does our partner. It’s a feedback loop.

 

These last two years have been challenging for my marriage. My husband is the best teammate I could imagine and I didn’t want to be stuck in a pandemic with anyone else, but I often felt like romance was a distant memory.

 

I got into bed at night hoping we didn’t have to confront the decision of whether we go hunting for our attraction. What if we didn’t find it?

 

Have you felt that way this year? I got many comments and DMs on my Instagram page this week when I posted this so if you do, know that you’re not alone. And I’m right there with you.

 

So today I’d like to share the 3 things we’ve found to be helpful in rekindling our joint Menorah, or lighting up that inner Christmas tree.

 

CAVEAT – you may not be ready for this. You may still be swimming in nipple butter and butt paste and and can’t even fathom reconnecting right now with your partner.


If that’s the case, that’s ok!! It can take a loooooooooong time before you can even imagine putting your hand on your partner’s thigh while you watch Netflix.

But in case you’re ready and just need a little push, here goes.

 

3 Ways My Husband and I Revive the Romance

 

1. We go away without the kids.


This works like magic. We’ve been in such bad places over the years that I haven’t even wanted to spend time alone with my husband. But a weekend without the kids ALWAYS works. It helps us reset and remember what we like about each other. It takes time so I think two nights is the minimum.

Obviously to make it happen you need cooperative grandparents or a great nanny. I know those are a luxury and luckily, here in Israel, we finally have the grandparents with us.

Keep in mind – you might feel bad about leaving the kids for a weekend. But this could literally save your marriage as it has mine. That’s much more important for your kids than missing you for a couple days.

 

2. We go do something we’re each good at.

 

Esther Perel is the guru on maintaining erotisicm in monogamy. Her shtick is that in order for there to be attraction there needs to be DISTANCE. Not physical distance, but emotional distance. She says that the only way to see our partner (and ourselves) with perspective and added mystery is when we see them in their element.

Think back to when you were first dating your partner. What were they doing that made you feel a jolt of attraction? Were they in nature? Dancing? Singing? Bowling? Cooking? Skiing? I bet it was when they were doing something they’re good at. And at that moment you saw them in their confidence and vitality. And they, in turn, saw it in your eyes and felt it too. The Mirror. 

My husband becomes alive and confident when he is in nature climbing up a mountain.  In those moments I can see the animal in him and it undoes the boring familiarity of “who’s picking up the kids” a bit.

This past weekend we went away and made sure to take a couple hikes through canyons. Once again, I saw him in his element.

So if you’re looking to dig yourself out of Desire Diaper Doom, go do that thing you’re good at and love and let your partner witness it, and vice versa. Let yourself be taken away in order to bring you back together.

 

3. We bring more people around us.


We tend to be with our partners when we’re our most tired and sloppy. We save our energy for the rest of the world and our partner gets the unbuttoned catatonic couch version of us. That’s good for refueling but not great for romance.

It’s cold and it’s Omicron but if you can manage to be with people who make you feel more YOU do it as much as possible. Especially those people who remind you of your humor, talents, interests, etc. We need other mirrors besides our partner to remind us who we are.

This past year I desperately felt the lack of having people around us. We were traveling the US and weren’t really coming into contact with anyone else. The phone calls were important but they weren’t quite enough. I needed to meet with friends and new people in order to remind myself who I was. Now we are able to do that a lot more and it makes a big difference in my feeling of identity.

 

So dear Tunester, what have you done that helps you rekindle the romance with your partner? We’d love to hear. Please COMMENT below.

 

Do you have a friend who feels like nothing can melt the glacier between them and their partner? Send them this post and tell them they should sign up for more weekly ways to make life with babies a bit easier and more fun.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The 4 best times to connect with your baby

Dear Tunester,

 

At this point you know that my biggest mission is to help you feel more in tune with your baby; To help you think less about all the technical stuff and focus on what really matters – your connection with your baby.

 

It’s the kind of thing we need reminders about. Sort of like meditation – No matter how experienced someone is at meditation, their mind will wander at some point. The work of meditation, and the moments in which new neural connections are built, is when they gently tug their attention back to the moment.

 

Liz, a Baby in Tune mom who’s on her third round of classes with her third baby, recently said- “I think your message needs to be shouted from the rafters 🙂 I’ve heard it before & I still need the reminders.”

 

So I’ll keep shouting it from the rafters and singing it into your ears 🙂

 

But the fact is that you can’t possibly be present with your baby all the time. It wouldn’t even be healthy! In order to be good parents we need to have our own interests, relationships, and activities. We need to spend quality time AWAY from them in order to spend quality time with them.

 

So before you go beating yourself up for not singing your baby the ABCs today, not reading them one more book, or being gone all day at work, know that your baby absolutely needs to see you doing other things. Even more than that. They need to see you ENJOYING doing things unrelated to them.

 

But there are times during your day when you should hold yourself accountable to being fully with your baby. My message today is so simple and obvious you won’t believe you didn’t think of it yourself (or maybe you have and just need a reminder :).

 

These are times in your day when you’re with your baby ANYWAY. I’m talking about those rituals that happen every day, seemingly millions of times.

 

4 times during your day when you should be present with your baby:

 

  1. Wake up
  2. Diaper changing
  3. Feeding
  4. Bedtime

 

Even if you head off to work early, spend the day on calls, or strap the baby on for a day of errands, you’re probably still doing at least two of these rituals.

 

And since you’re with your baby ANYWAY, let’s make these moments count.

 

Here’s how:

 

  1. Don’t take the phone with you when you change a diaper. 
  2. Ignore your to-do list while you reunite with your baby in the morning.
  3. Don’t let your mind wander to how good Netflix will be while you’re doing bedtime.
  4. Focus on the way your body feels and the way your baby feels as you are feeding and snuggling together.

(If you’d like more tips on how to be present with your baby check out this blog post.)

 

I know it’s a big ask. But the return is boundless.

 

So dear Tunester, do you agree that these are the moments to work on first of all? 

 

How do you make sure you’re present with your baby during these moments? I always play this song in class to inspire parents to feel more in the moment with their baby.

 

Do you have a friend who needs these weekly reminders? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more. 

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The Utimate Fussy Baby Playlist

Dear Tunester,

It’s the witching hour. You’re so tired you’re practically bumbing into walls, your baby is fussy even though you’ve gone through the “what could be wrong?” checklist and can’t find a reason, you’re watching the door just waiting for relief to step in so you can STEP AWAY.

 

And your baby is still FUSSY.

 

I can’t come to your home and give you relief but I can help in another way. This week I’d like to give you a playlist for exactly those moments. With winter on its way, you might be spending a lot more time indoors, which means you could have more of these.

 

The playlist that will not only be enjoyable to listen to but will actually HELP you soothe.

 

When I was in your shoes I wanted someone to just do things for me – wash the bottles, make dinner, call the electrician, so that I could focus on my baby (and resting.)

 

So I’ve done it for you. I’ve made the playlist that hopefully will save you during the witching hour which always gets so much worse as it gets colder outside.

 

The musical process of soothing a baby

 

This playlist is going to take you from rhythm, to reggae, to vocals, to guitar, to soft piano, and hopefully to sleep.

 

When I was recording Soothing on Hello My Baby I remember my producer saying – are you sure you want it to be this fast if it’s a soothing song? 

 

But he didn’t have kids. He didn’t know that when we soothe we bounce fairly quickly. And having a good bouncy beat to do that to is key.

 

So here’s your musical journey. Feel free to comment below and let me know which songs to take out or which you’d like me to add. This is a work in progress.

 

The Fussy Baby Playlist:

Click here to go straight to your playlist.

  1. Your playlist starts with “Cry To Me”, a mid tempo swinging song that hopefully reminds you of Dirty Dancing and makes your hips sway as you bounce your baby around the house.
  2. Babies love Reggae. It has to do with the accentuated upbeat. Think 1, and, 2, and, 3, and, 4 . Rock songs put the stress on the downbeats (1,2,3,4). Reggae stresses the AND which adds bounce. The second song on this playlist is one of the sweetest reggae songs out there by Marley the king – “Three Little Birds“.
  3. I’m in a Taylor Swift mood. Aren’t we all these days? The third song is called “You Need to Calm Down“. Its got a groove with a tempo that takes it down a bit from the songs before.
  4. Parents often tell me that their baby listens closely to the voices of other babies on my song “Ah Ah“. It’s also got an upbeat tempo that is still good for dancing/bouncing.
  5. The next song is “New Soul“. In case your baby hasn’t calmed yet I’m hoping this one will remind you how new your baby is to the world and how much they have to work to get used to it. That could make anybody fussy!
  6. We transition to taking it down a bit with the guitar of Paul Simon on “St. Judy’s Comet“. It’s a beautiful lullaby with a medium tempo. Paul Simon has a way of begging his kid to sleep that makes you feel like you’re not alone.
  7. Babies love to hear our voice. At this point in the playlist I transition you both to songs that are vocals heavy. “Mr. Sandman” is the perfect blend of bounce and harmonious vocals.
  8. My “Soothing” song to start bringing it home.
  9. You Were Born” is one of those gorgeous timeless songs that takes you somewhere else. I hope that at this point your baby’s eyes are starting to droop and you have a chance to sit and reflect. You’re doing great, mama and papa.
  10. In case your baby needs more voice, more love, and gentleness here’s my friend Frances England making her magic with “Little By Little”.
  11. Didn’t Leave Nobody But The Baby” is the lullaby of all lullabies. Is your baby calm yet? I hope so.
  12. To help your baby drift off with a slight smile at the corners of their mouth and make you both feel like you’re falling into a cloud, here’s my friend Kira Willey with “How to Be a Cloud.”
  13. For good measure I added my “Sleep” song here.

Click here to go straight to your playlist.

 

Need another excellent tip on how to get through the Witching Hour? Click here.

 

So how did it go? Did the playlist work? Let me know which songs did and which didn’t. COMMENT below.

 

And most importantly, if you have a friend who is heading into winter with their little baby and you want to send them some help during fussy moments, share this post with them.

 

And tell them to sign up for more just like this by adding their name to the list.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

To sleep train or not to sleep train?

Dearest Tunesters, today’s topic is one that I know you think about ALL the time – SLEEP.

 

Believe me, I was right there with you. I was blessed with three terrible sleepers. Apparently there are miracle babies out there who sleep through the night from the get-go. I didn’t get one of those.

 

I obsessed about sleep and how to get it with each of my babies. I read the books, I googled, I spoke to specialists, I experimented with methods, and I obsessed some more.

 

If you’ve got a baby who doesn’t sleep well, most likely you’re wondering two things:

 

  1. Should I sleep train or not?
  2. (And if so,) What method should I use?

 

Here’s my answer to these questions which is based on my experience as a mom, my professional experience with you all for the last 10 years, and some of the latest research.

 

The THRESHOLD theory

 

What I’ve realized is this: We all have a different threshold as to how little sleep we can tolerate in those first years with our baby.

 

Some reach their threshold in the first months. They realize that they can’t be good parents unless they get more sleep. Perhaps they are also working, perhaps they have other kids at home, maybe they are single parents, or maybe they’ve noticed that the lack of sleep is having an affect not only on their physical well being but on their emotional health.

 

I was in that category with my second. I reached my threshold quite early.

 

Some reach their threshold later in the first year. Although they absolutely want to sleep more, they aren’t ready to take extreme measures to make that happen right away. They want to ride it out a bit more and see if the baby will find a sleep pattern on their own.

 

I was in that category with my first. I reached my threshold at around 8 months (he did not find a sleep pattern on his own ?).

 

Some reach their threshold a lot later. They’ve made some peace with the idea that they won’t be getting 7 unobstructed hours of sleep for a while. They can handle the exhaustion and have found ways to maintain their own health despite it.

 

Are you wondering what camp you’re in? Don’t stress. Google won’t have the answer for you. Your friends won’t have the answer for you.

 

When you reach your threshold depends on many factors including your home situation, your health, how much help you have, and your baby’s temperament.

 

But here’s the important part –

When you hit your threshold, YOU’LL KNOW. 

 

You’ll feel compelled to take action and it won’t even be a question. You will no longer be asking anyone who will listen – “should I or shouldn’t I?”

 

And that means that until you hit your threshold, you can relax. You don’t need to obsess about it any longer. If you’re going back and forth about it, it means what for whatever reason you simply are not ready.

 

So give yourself a break. You’re job is simply to listen to that voice inside you that says – not yet, or NOW.

 

Here’s what I want to scream from the rooftops – 

 

  1. There is no conclusive evidence on the best time to sleep train. 
  2. No matter when you take action to help your baby sleep through the night, it’s going to be HARD.

 

There is no RIGHT TIME to do it other than your own gauge.

 

And then the only question that remains is: Which method?

 

The fact is that no matter which sleep training method you decide on, it’s not going to be fun. Your baby will fight back whether they are 4 months or 2 years old and it will break your heart at any stage. There is no evidence that one method works better or is better for your baby. It comes down to you using the method that feels right for YOU and your family.

 

So to recap – 

  1. Noticing when you reach your threshold is key. It’s what makes you a good parent. It means you’re noticing what you need in order to be available for your baby.

  2. Until you get there, lay off the obsessing. Let yourself enjoy this time with your baby,  even the wake ups. With my third I fully surrendered to feeding through the night in a way I didn’t with my first two.
  3. Once you are ready to sleep train pick a method that feels right. They are basically variations on the same method ranging from more hard core to less hard core.  Unfortunately no matter which you choose, it’s going to be hard on everyone.

 

Whether you are planning on training or not, this post might help get more sleep you in the meantime and put good practices into place.

 

So what do you think dear Tunester? Do you agree with my Threshold Theory? COMMENT below and let me know.

 

Do you have a friend who is drowning in articles trying to figure out what to do? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to raise a morning person

Today’s tip is a simple reminder. Your baby is learning how to be in the world by watching YOU.  Let’s talk mornings.

 

You know how some people naturally wake up with a smile? And some wake up feeling like the sunlight is an annoying imposition?

 

I have a feeling you’d like your baby to be in the first category. You want them to grow into someone who wakes up with a bounce, ready to tackle the day with energy.

 

The good news is that you have a say in that.

 

It’s true that temperament, personality and circumstance  play a part. But how we wake up has a lot to do with habit. We get used to behaving in certain ways, and our behavior is often a reflection of those around us.

 

So here’s what I’m proposing…

 

Despite the fact that you had to wake up to your baby 17 times last night, and that you never actually got out the door because your baby had a blowout just as you were stepping out and by the time you got them changed all over again it was raining, and that your to do list is longer than a Kmart receipt…

 

Greet your baby in the morning with a smile.

 

(And for extra credit add a song, which will do so much more. Here’s a post about that.)

 

I know. That’s easier said than done. 

 

When your exhaustion level is so far beyond another cup of coffee and you start your morning fantasizing about a nap, smiling in the morning feels like the uncomfortable halloween costume your mother made and you can’t stand wearing.

 

But there’s a lot at stake here. If you manage to do this your baby learns something they will take with them for the rest of their lives:

 

That it’s up to us to start the day out right no matter what came before it. And often all it takes is raising the corners of our mouths and greeting those around us with a wink.

 

Obviously, sometimes we just can’t smile. We’re too overwhelmed. Life feels too heavy, too dark.

 

But I’m talking about those days when we just need a bit of a nudge.

 

Morning is an opportunity for a reset. You get to emotionally start over.

 

And your sweet baby is eagerly waiting for you like a super fan at a Harry Styles concert. All they want is for you to come to them. Your mere presence makes them happy!

 

So on those days when you just don’t feel like smiling, take a breath, move a slower, remember that your morning smile teaches your baby so much more than what they see in that very moment.

 

And here’s the best part – when you smile at your baby in the morning they’re going to smile back even bigger, and that smile is going to give you a boost, and then its a neverending feedback loop. 

 

Until the meltdown. Or the blowout. But no matter what the day brings you had your morning smiles 🙂

 

So what do you think – are you cursing me right now for even assuming you might be able to smile when you’re so darn exhausted? Or is this something you try to do with your baby? Comment below and let me know.

 

Do you know someone who needs a short and sweet weekly tip? Send them this one and tell them to sign up for more.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Should I Ignore the Tantrum?

Let’s talk tantrums. 

 

As annoying as they are, the fact that your baby has tantrums means that they’re doing exactly what they should be doing.

 

It’s their way of asserting independence, experimenting with limits, and expressing their emotions. They do it with what they’ve got – their voice and their body.

 

Sometimes your baby may have a tantrum simply to let out all the big emotions that are flooding their body. Not necessarily to change an outcome, but to express feelings. Haven’t you sometimes wanted to yell at the top of your lungs in anger? We don’t do it because we’re grown ups. Your baby can and should.

 

The question is – how are you to respond?

 

Parents in our classes often ask – SHOULD I IGNORE THE TANTRUM?

 

Here’s the short answer. 

 

You don’t want to reinforce tantruming as a way for your baby to get what they want.

 

Meaning, when your baby has a tantrum, let’s say about a thing you just took away for whatever reason, you will be reinforcing the yelling and flailing if you respond by giving it back.

 

Your baby will quickly compute – she took it away, I yelled, she gave it back. Therefore when I yell, I get what I want.

 

On the other hand, you don’t want to turn your back on your baby’s expression of emotions. You want your baby to know that ALL emotions are allowed, even the difficult ones.

 

So how do you NOT IGNORE but also NOT REINFORCE?

 

You ALLOW. You make space. But you DON’T change your limits as a result of their behavior.

 

Here’s how that would look:

 

You baby is tantruming about wanting to get out of the carseat – 

You empathize  with their emotions. “I know this is frustrating. I see that you’re very angry. I know you want to get out of the carseat.”

 

And then you make space for them to express their big emotions about it (unless they are putting themselves or others in danger in the process in which case you intervene.)

 

Here’s the important part – how are YOU feeling during the tantrum?

 

Often your own stress level can spike as your baby has a tantrum and that is part of the reason you may want to respond quickly and JUST MAKE IT STOP.

 

Instead, tell yourself that it is completely normal, try deep breathing, picking up the corners of your mouth a bit, and truly making space for your baby to express their emotions.

 

As they are tantruming you can try to coregulate – say soothing words, give a hug, sing a song. 

 

But sometimes your baby may just need to let it out in that way.

 

And your job is not to IGNORE, but to ALLOW.

 

Want a more detailed set of directions for what to do when your baby tantrums? Check out this post.

___________________

 

So what do you think? Does this sound like a good strategy for your baby’s dreaded tantrums? Comment below and let me know.

 

Do you have a friend who needs to hear this right now? Send them this post and the link below so they can sign up for more.

9 things I wish someone had said to me when I had my baby

I was so cocky going into motherhood. Were you?

Even if someone had shared the wisdom I needed when I was crazed with my first baby I’m not even sure I would have listened.

But boy do I wish I could have taken in what I know now. It would have saved me endless heartache, anxiety, and self-reprimand.

So just in case there’s a mom to be out there who might have slightly less bravado than I did, and may just be open to hearing some sound advice, here goes:

9 things I wish someone had told me and I had LISTENED to before I had my first baby:

  1. You don’t need a perfect schedule.
    Babies end up pretty much the same with or without the obsession on when to feed, when to nap, when to sleep. (And man, I obsessed hard.)
  2. You won’t get a truly good nights sleep for about a year.
    You may sleep-train, co-sleep, or go with the flow. But no matter what you do your baby will have periods of sleeping through the night and periods of hourly wake ups for the entire first year.
    I fought it like Rocky Balboa with the first two. By the third I accepted it and we were a happier family for it.
  3. Creating good habits with your baby is important.
    Even if your schedule is loose, a morning routine, a sleep routine, and feeding routine will be anchors for years to come. And when the time is right those practices will help you slip into a more consistent schedule like a boss.
     
  4. The MOST IMPORTANT  thing to focus on is your connection with your baby.
    Forget all the noise around you about the latest gear, the conflicting internet articles, your MIL telling you you’re doing it wrong. What matters MOST is your bond. Foster it naturally and tenderly. You’ll know you’re doing it right when it FEELS right.
     
  5. It’s all in the BORING moments.
    The magic happens when your baby is simply looking around the room, or playing with yarn in the rug, or searching for your hair as they nurse, or crinkling a dry leaf outside. That’s the stuff. Not the instagrammable moments.
    In fact, do yourself a favor and catch THOSE moments on video. You’ll want them later. I so wish I had more of those.
     
  6. Focus on the time you are WITH your baby, not on the moments you’re not.
    Let the guilt go. Give your full attention to the moments you are with your baby – the diaper changes, bedtime routine, bathtime, middle of the night feedings. If you can be fully present for those then you’re ahead of the game.
     
  7. Model self-care from day one.
    Teach your baby that you’re a better mom when you take care of yourself. Make it a priority to take distance when you need it, go for a solo walk, meet a friend, read a book. And do it unapologetically, because it benefits your baby as much as it benefits you.
     
  8. Make every effort to meet other parents with babies your baby’s age.
    Go to classes with them, go for a walk in the park, go for a smoothie. You need the support. But more than that, this is one of those periods in your life when you are primed to make Best Friends. It’s like roommates in college. Going through it together will make you blood sisters for life.
     
  9. Know that there is NO RIGHT WAY.
    Parenting is about trial and error, taking a deep breath trying something and then trying something else. What worked yesterday won’t work today anymore. And that’s ok.

 

I don’t want to sound cocky here but you know what I wish? I wish there had been a Baby in Tune class when I had my first baby. I would have learned this stuff there. I would have found my best mama friend. I would have learned how to develop good habits with my baby and how to deepen our connection.

But alas, I didn’t have it. So I created the class because I wanted YOU to have it. 

 

On that note – we have new classes starting!! Some are in person in NY and some are on Zoom with me. I’d so love to see you there. Sign up for those here.

 

Also – have you ever wanted to lead baby classes? Or learn more about what it takes? My Baby Class Formula FREE Training starts TOMORROW!!

Join the Facebook group HERE.

 

5 September Survival Steps

Raise your hand if you’re feeling super stressed these days ?‍♀️??‍♂️

 

Me too. That’s because we’ve got the perfect ingredients for a Stress Pot Pie: 

 

SEPTEMBER. Always a stressful month. You barely have time to wash off your sunscreen before you feel the energy of the school year starting and workplaces kicking into action.

 

BABY (and toddler?) No amount of coffee can offset the sleepless nights and method-googling frenzy, no gym class compares to the incessant picking up of baby, carseat and stroller, no remote island comes close to the isolation and cut off from friends feeling.

 

Now for the main ingredient – COVID.

 

Ratchet all that up with endless uncertainty and worry, with foreboding news and fear of anyone breathing too close to you, with no ability to plan for more than a week in advance.

 

What a combo! ?

 

So this week I want to offer a few strategies to deal with the pie that’s knotting u your belly, weighing on your shoulders, and sitting just above your eyebrows.

 

I made this list because I needed it myself. Although I don’t have a baby, my family just relocated to Israel for the year and I’m having some of the same sleepless nights, physical exhaustion and intensity that you are  (you can read all about it here.) 

 

No one solution works, but maybe there’s something here that you can add to your mix:

 

  1. Name your fears.

Did you see that Mr. Rogers movie with Tom Hanks? In it there is a quote from Mr. Rogers that has been my motto ever since: “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.”

 

These days It’s impossible not to be carrying around a huge load of fear on our shoulders. COVID is scary and there is so much unknown. Also, so much is out of our control (which may make you buckle down on trying to control things related to Baby.)

 

In the spirit of Mr. Rogers I have been finding it helpful to just name my fears and put them out there. No need to hide them.

 

Think of your fears like a gas swirling inside you. When you name them and say them periodically it puts the gas in a jar with a lid on it.

 

Here are some of mine. Feel free to add your own:

 

I may get Covid

My kids may get Covid

My parents may get Covid

A friend may get Covid

The kids may need to do remote learning

If that happens I won’t have time to work

The kids might not learn a thing on Zoom

The kids may fight more because they’ll be home

Covid may be around forever

People may keep dying from COVID

Poorer countries may not be able to get the vaccine

And the list goes on…

 

Contrary to superstition, saying our fears out loud doesn’t make them come true. It just gives them a name and contains them so they don’t take over our minds.

 

2. Don’t try to confirm your fears

 

Have you ever noticed that when we fear something we tend to look for signs that our fears are confirmed? Of course we don’t want bad things to happen, but the anticipation of them is sometimes even more unbearable than the thing itself.

 

We search for bad news in the paper, we wait to hear that COVID is spreading in the schools, we expect to hear that a friend’s family got COVID or that a new variant has arrived.

 

It’s as if we’re driven but the desire to say – “I knew it!” Just so we won’t be living in the uncertainty of it any longer.

 

So next time you notice yourself doing that, see if you can tone it down a bit. These next two points might help with that.

 

3. Acknowledge some powerlessness

 

In my kids’ school here in Israel there is a different approach to COVID than I’m used to from NY. They don’t wear masks. The parents (who are mostly vaccinated,)  just don’t see the point (my thoughts on this here.)  After raising some havoc I realized it’s a cultural issue that I can’t combat on my own. 

 

This virus has put a magnifying glass to our dependence on our social networks. We are at the mercy of friends, family, colleagues, teachers, their friends, their colleagues, on and on. Every person’s actions affect another.

 

Aargh!! It’s crazy making, anger inducing, all night obsessable, punch the wall causing.

 

So we do what we can to make a change toward what we think is right, but then we need to acknowledge the boundaries of our power and ACCEPT it.

 

4. Focus on Certainties

 

These days we can’t buy tickets a year in advance like we used to. Even making dinner plans for next week seems risque.

 

What we can do is take off our long distance glasses and focus on what is right in front of us.

 

Acceptance means a constant surveying of what THIS MOMENT looks like. What you have now and see around you – those are certainties. 

 

What is your baby doing right at this moment? How does their expression look? Are they moving their hands? Do you hear birds? Do you feel the sun on your skin? Is there a slight breeze on your cheek?

 

And perhaps most importantly – what does your breath feel like? What does your stomach feel like as you breathe? How about your forehead? ears? hands?

 

5. To get out of Defcon 1, imagine steps to Defcon 2

 

Don’t you love when people tell you not to forget about self care right after you’ve had a baby? How can you even think about going to a yoga class or steaming broccoli when you slept two hours last night, had goldfish for breakfast, and may shower next week if you’re lucky?

 

You can’t get out of a state of emergency when you’re not in a minimal state of comfort. 

 

This last month in Israel I’ve been in Defcon 1. I can always tell I’m there when my phone is the last thing I look at before bed and the first thing when I wake up. Forget yoga, meditation, journaling, and playing music. Unless the yoga is for my pinky which is sore from the phone resting on it.

 

If you’re in that place THAT’S OK.

 

There is no point in self-flagellation. Let this voice go- why am I spending hours scrolling? Why does that mom have it so together and I don’t? Why can’t I get it together?

 

Here’s how you bring it down a notch to defcon 2 – IMAGINE what the first step would look like for you. For me it looked like putting the phone a bit further away from my bed when I went to sleep so I wouldn’t comfortably reach for it in the morning.

 

For you that might be pulling some yoga pants out from the back of your closet or asking around about a postpartum yoga class. And then you let that sit.

 

It takes time to dig yourself out of defcon. Simply imagining what a step toward self care would look like is an affective first step. It might be weeks of imagining before you actually put those yoga pants on.

 

Do you want some support in finding your way toward self care? A Baby in Tune class is the perfect means. It’s enrichment for your baby and therapy for you.

 

So how are you dealing with the uncertainty of it all? Comment below and tell us what you’d add to this list. We need to support each other!

 

Do you have a friend who may need to hear this in order to get through this week? Send them this link:

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

A surprising way to socialize your baby

Dear Tunester,

 

Are you feeling like a turtle coming out of your isolated shell these days? Although we’ve been waiting for the world to open back up for a year now, peeking our heads out into the social world may not be as easy as we thought.

 

And what about your baby?

 

During this past year so many of you have wondered what effect social distancing will have on your baby’s social development (here’s a a post I wrote in answer to that question.)

 

Now that we’re heading out into the world a bit more, you may be wondering: How is my baby going to take it? Will they be overwhelmed? Excited? Scared?

 

Today’s blog is all about  a surprising way to get your baby back into the social groove. 

 

It all comes down to being in SYNC.

 

A fascinating study found when babies felt in sync with someone else it predicted social behavior like helping someone else having trouble.

 

Sound interesting? Here’s the experiment in the study:

 

Researcher A holds a baby (about 1 year old) in a carrier facing outward and dances to the rhythm of the music on the speakers. Researcher B stands in front of the baby. With some of the babies she bounces to the rhythm of the music, and with others she dances a bit faster or slower. 

 

After the dancing researcher B goes to play with the baby.

What happens next is the surprising part – 

 

During the play she drops something and pretends she can’t reach it. The babies who she had bounced in sync with were much more likely to help her and pick up the item she dropped.

 

What? Why? How does the dancing affect social behavior?

 

It turns out that being in sync with others rhythmically creates BONDS. It affects our attachment.

 

Wow! This is big news!

 

Being social, helping someone, feeling connected to someone, is not just a function of personality and experience, rather of FEELING IN SYNC with them.

 

This is good news for COVID babies.

 

After a year of feeling like your baby may not know how to connect with others – grandparents, friends, peers, teachers, here is a simple way to make it happen!

 

Not only that, this reserach study shows that being a good dancer helped with survival. Our prehistoric ancestors who could dance well with others and be in sync with them had an evolutionary advantage. Dancing helped them bond and communicate which made them more likely to be helped by the community. Which is why we’ve developed into a sprecies of good dancers (some better than others)

 

So dear parents, first of all, relax. Your baby is going socialize. In fact, they haven’t missed a beat 🙂

 

In addition, here are some ways you can use this info to step up the beat and inspire your baby’s connection with others:

 

1. Dance with the grandparents!

Your baby may have never met their grandparents in person. What better way to get them in sync and socialize through movement and not just through words and facial expressions than with dancing? Get that dance party started! The grandparents may appreciate it too.

 

2. Ramp up your mirroring!

Are you feeling out of sync with your baby? We all get consumed by work, family, friends, politics, or just scrolling sometimes. Next time you pick up your head and notice you’ve been on your own island try this out. Mirror your baby’s movements. Do what they do. Maybe turn on music to make it even more enjoyable. See if you both start to feel more in sync with each other.

 

3. Come to a Baby in Tune class!

We are about to start OUTDOOR IN-PERSON classes!!!! In NY that is. It’s the perfect place to dance and sing with other babies and feel a whole lot of in sync with each other.

Check out website to see the schedule. And if YOU’D like to host a class in your outdoor space, let us know! You’ll get the class for free.


You’re not in NY? No worries! I’m still doing remote classes. Come join us! Sing with us! Dance with us! Do our baby chat time. 

And today you can enter to win a full FREE semester. Go to my Instagram to find out how to enter.

 

As parents, we try so hard to teach our kids to be prosocial – to be kind, to help others. But the thing is, they are from the start.

All they need is to feel a little more in sync with each other so that they feel comfortable picking up someone’s toy when it falls down.

 

Are you taking baby steps to socialize your baby? COMMENT below and let us know what you’re doing.

 

Do you have a friend who needs to hear how easy it is to get your baby connecting with new friends? Send this to them!

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How we decode Airbnb listings

Dear Tunester,
Are you planning on going on a trip soon? Maybe you’re ready to venture out and rent a place now that the sun is peeking out from the COVID cloud?

Well, I’m here to help.

As you know, my family is on a year long road trip this year. And along with learning how to carry only the essentials (like 3 basketballs,) how to homeschool three kids without losing it altogether, and how to cook pasta in a motel bathroom, we’ve also gained an expertise – decoding Airbnb listings.

On our trip, so much of our happiness comes down to the places we rent. We’re seeing some spectacular sites, but we spend most of our time hanging/working/schooling at home. Which means that the lodging can be a make or break.

In this last month alone we’ve slept in 8 different places. That’s a lot of opportunity for break.

To save you from heartbreaking dissapointment as you walk into the vacation home you’ve been pining over for more than a year, and to give you a glimpse into our exhilerating at times and also hairpullingly exasperating trip, here is a lodging dictionary to get you through your listing sifting.

The takeaway – don’t always trust what they say…


Lodging Terms Decoded:

  • “Cozy”  =  Tiny
  • “Rustic”  =  Run Down
  • “Character”  =  Old
  • “Modern”  =  Empty
  • “Roomy”  =  Small
  • “Quiet Hotel Room”  =  Nobody wants it
  • “Comfortable”  =  Overly Used
  • “Basic”  =  One Pot, No Shampoo
  • “Quaint”  = Hasn’t been renovated since the 50s
  • “Resort”  =  Hotel
  • “Conveniently Located Near Train Station”  =  You’ll hear that train whistle All. Night. Long.
  • “Homey Touches”  =  Fake Plants
  • “Remote”  =  In the Middle of F*cking Nowhere

 

Now I’ll illustrate these terms for you by using them in sentences.

(This excerpt is taken from my travel blog. Feel free to read more about our highs and lows HERE and to sign up for updates.)

 

After we left Arizona we headed to the coast with a stop along the way in Borrego Springs, CA. There we stayed at what has become our back up for when Airbnb fails us in some way (price, availability, appeal) – Time Share “Resorts”.

We actually love these “Resorts”. Airbnbs are demanding! In order for us to get a 5 star review, which we need to continue this lifestyle, moving day from an Airbnb is a 4 hour marathon of –  Scour! Strip the beds! Take out the trash! Wipe surfaces! Pick up the beads, balloons, feathers, game pieces, markers, shells, and other tiny things that kids leave in their wake.

When we stay in hotels, we don’t need their reviews, so we can leave it presentable, but not sparkling.

Not only that, “Resorts” have a pool. If you ask my daughter what her all time favorite places on the trip have been so far, she won’t say Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, or Bryce, she’ll name the places that had a pool and/or foosball.

The most amazing canyons and mountains? Who cares! They want a pool.

From there we drove to the coast of San Diego where we had an emotional reunion with the ocean. We’ve driven from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and the ocean is where my heart lies.

We arrived to a “Cozy” Airbnb that we had signed onto for two weeks. The minute we arrived to the narrow three story townhouse with one room per floor my heart sank. It was tiny even by New Yorker standards. Not only that, the neighborhood was packed TIGHT with homes side by side with narrow alleys between them.

After high fiving my neighbor through the kitchen window the next morning, I took my smoothie to the beach. By the time the kids had done surfing lessons and I spent afternoons riding the house bike around the bay and by the ocean, we were in love with Mission Bay.

“Cozy” living room in San Diego.

 

On our way to a surfing lesson through the cute alley.

San Diego reminded us a lot of Israel. A beautiful city on the sea. And Mission Bay felt like Jaffa with its tiny alleys that people decorated with plants and sculptures.

When our two weeks were over we reluctantly said goodbye to San Diego and confronted the reality that our money wasn’t worth much in Cali. I had bargained “Cozy” down, and had a lot of trouble trying to find another place by the beach. So as you can imagine, I didn’t arrive to our next “Resort” with the most positive attitude.

Ramona is a small suburban farm town nestled in the hills of CA. We mistakenly chose a “Quiet” room at first but transferred from the Batcave to a sunnier second floor room the next day.

They had bikes for rent and as I huffed up and down the hills passing views of mountains and farms, I fell in love with the new place. Plus, there was a pool…

Steep climbs up mean steep rides down.

Are you starting to sense a pattern here? 

After spending a magical weekend in LA with friends and family we felt a strong pull back to the coast. We wondered – Is it really completely out of our budget? Can’t we make it work?

And that led us to trying the “Roomy” one bedroom.

While Tsuri worked in the bedroom during the day, the kids and I crammed into the “Comfortable” living room with springs sticking out of the couch to do school and work.

I didn’t win any mom of the year awards for my performance that week. I realized that’s where I draw the line. I can homeschool them all day and I can pack and unpack endlessly. But I need a room to escape to.

(I did manage to do a show for the Jewish Museum in the middle of that living room with a green screen though  -superhero mom moment.)

“Roomy” one bedroom in Carpinteria.

Even though I counted down the days to leaving that place, I fully enjoyed my morning smoothies on the beach and wasn’t ready to leave the ocean. We spent the weekend driving up the coast and staying in “Quaint” motels with lots of “Character”.

In these places we all cram into one room but its only for a night so we come with different expectations. A clean working shower is the bar, not always met.

Me teaching a class on Saturday morning
What you see
What’s actually behind me

 

We knew our next move was to head inland where we belonged. The only house we could find in our budget was “Remote” and “Basic” but we went for it.

This is how that drive went – The vineyards! The pastures! The cows! The rolling hills! So beautiful! Wow we’re still driving. And driving… Now things are getting more and more desolate. Now we’re passing dilapidated homes, and now the kids are asking -”Why are there so many broken down trucks next to the homes?”

By the time we finally rolled into the driveway I had imagined a full horror scene and wanted to turn around and leave. It didn’t help that the sign at the end of the driveway said, I kid you not –

“No Trespassing – We’re Tired of Hiding the Bodies.”

The wifi network was called “stayout.” So.

The welcoming sign on the “Remote” house.

Once again, the next day came around and made everything better. The kids played basketball with a view, my husband and daughter made a fire, and I had my own room to escape to. I wasn’t panic-calling my family anymore.

Bball with a view

 

So dear traveler, I hope you took notes. It’s crucial to be able to decode descriptions on the listings. Next time I may tell you about decoding the photos too.

But keep in mind – you might have the same pattern I do. You might go into MOST places and hate them at first. But when the sun rises and you’re having your smoothie outside, you might just see the light and be happy to call it your new “Home” for a little while.

 

It all looks better in the morning. “Home” is wherever we are together.

7 tips for skipping the sleep competition with your partner

Today’s post is all about that awful (and often secret) competition we have with our partners once we have a baby to take care of. I call it: Who Sleeps More”.

 

You know what I mean.

 

I’m talking about the darkest part of ourselves that gets unleashed when we are thrown into a stressful situation. I’m talking about the competition you actually don’t want to win.

 

Remember when your biggest disagreements with your partner were about where to eat brunch, whose friends to see on a particular weekend, or how often to see the in-laws? 

 

You were the master of your own schedules. You went to the gym when you wanted, slept late when you needed, and parted ways to take care of yourselves and fill your individual needs.

 

And then came baby, and then came a pandemic (or the other way around.) And all of that free time dissipated into the air like steam off a pot of boiling water, slowly reducing to nothing but BURN. 

 

So what do you do? You go into survival mode. You do what needs to be done and hope your partner is doing the same. You try to get through the day without having a nervous breakdown or keeling over in exhaustion.

 

Having a baby during a pandemic (or anytime) is kind of like being thrown on a desert island with no food, no water, no way out, with a stranger you’ve never met before (that would be your partner). Oh, and you have to survive AND stay friends??

 

You are both so spent. Forget the island, you’re drowning. And when a precious sleep opportunity becomes available you inevitably ask – who needs it more?

 

It’s dangerous territory, that question, because what It’s really asking is – whose time is more important, or whose “work” is more important? And that scratches at the archaic roles that men and women used to have in society.

 

Despite the evolving we’ve all done it can still be so easy to slip into the roles of generations passed- mom minds the baby, dad makes the money.

 

After I had my first baby I remember waiting at home with the baby on my hip and the meal in the oven literally watching the door for my husband to come home.

 

I’m not just talking about women and men. The two mom or two dad families in my classes report that they have a similar dynamic  -there is a “mom” role, the one who spends more time with the baby, and there is the “dad” role, the one who spends more time at work and takes less ownership over the baby.

 

We’re smart enough to know now that whether you’re clocking in hours on conference calls or are spending your day trying to get your baby to nap, it’s EXHAUSTING. 

 

In fact, spending a full day with a baby is often a lot more taxing, physically strenuous and mind numbing than any other job. Not only that, your boss is RELENTLESS. They are demanding and refuse to give you breaks so you can eat lunch or shower. And forget about a raise. 

 

So what becomes of the sunny eggs benedict-eating duo?

 

The dreadful competition. Who does more? Who works harder? Who cleans more? Who soothes more? Who plays more? Who goes to the gym more? Who sees friends more?

And the mother of them all:

 

WHO DESERVES MORE SLEEP?

 

Once we’ve hit that point, there is no way back. There is no mistaking it. We are parents. We are in this. We will make mistakes. And we need to work TOGETHER.

 

So in the spirit of Valentine’s day, here are:

 

7 Tips for Skipping the Sleep Competition

 

1. Recognize that this is par for the course. We are the children of baby boomers who set the stage for equality of roles in a marital partnership. Now it is our job to figure it out. Paternal roles is one of the topics that comes up most in my classes. Most couples, if not all, deal with it in some way. So you’re not alone, and your marriage is not doomed. But there is some adjusting that needs to be done and it will take a little while to figure it out.

 

2. Divide and conquer. Some couples are able to have a silent agreement on who does what, but most need to lay it out clearly. For the tasks that repeat, like making lunch for the kids, cooking dinner, cleaning up dinner, straightening up the house, laundry or washing the bottles, DELEGATE ahead of time. It’s comforting to know that one of you owns the job. The other can take it off their list.

 

3. Communicate CLEARLY. The thing about the “who sleeps more” conversation is that it doesn’t communicate what we actually need and want. Instead of saying,  “I really need to take a nap right now, can you take over for an hour?” We say – “Are you going out for a run AGAIN?” and we hope our partner will understand the subtext. It won’t happen. They’re drowning too. So instead of letting the resentment build, state what you want and need. It may be granted, it may not. Either way, you were clear about it which will usually yield the best results.

 

4. Encourage INITIATIVE. The main complaint I hear in my classes is that one of the partners doesn’t take initiative with baby-caring tasks. Assuming you have the simple tasks divided, the next step is encouraging  initiative with positive feedback. But be sure to address the root of the action. Instead of saying “thank you for washing the dishes,” which never feels right because -of course the other should do the dishes too, Say -”thank you for noticing the dishes needed to be done and taking initiative to do it”. THAT’S the behavior you want to encourage. Give some props for that and it will be repeated.

 

5.  LISTEN. When your partner finishes their day exhausted  and wants to vent, try to find space to listen, even if you are exhausted  as well. Listening to each other without judgment will remind you that you are both drowning.

 

6. Get HELP. It isn’t easy, especially during a pandemic. Find someone who can relieve you. Even better, find someone who can relieve you both so you can hang out together.

 

7. REMEMBER that it won’t last forever. It’s easy to get so stuck in the daily grind or the diaper, rinse, repeat process that we forget the most important thing: this period will pass. You will not be fighting over sleep forever. And once you are both sleeping well, all of the other tasks will fall into place much more easily.

 

That’s it for today dear Tunie. I hope this brings you one step closer to celebrating Valentines Day with your partner. Hopefully your day will include a lot of sleep.

 

So how about you –  Do you have the “who deserves more sleep” compention with your partner? How do you handle it? Comment below and let us know!

 

How 2020 changed my life

Dear Tunester,

When I asked my girlfriends if we were getting together for our traditional laugh/cry year in review over wine, they thought I was joking. 

Are we really going to analyze our goals from last year, and see how they panned out? Are we actually going to plan new ones for this year? 

I say – YES. 

This year trampled over us like a toddler over their sibling’s intricate lego creation. All those tiny pieces laboriously assembled were broken apart in an instant.

But for me, this year has also been as monumential as it was disastrous.

And since Baby in Tune wouldn’t exist without you, I’d love to share it with you.

 

Here’s where I was this time last year. It’s comical:

I had just finished a 4 hour meeting with my business managers in which we’d strategized the hell out of 2020.

Ha. So many plans.

In addition, I had spent two months training no less than FIVE new instructors who would be leading groups in Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens.

I was working with a new web developer, a copyeditor, and vendors who were printing new flyers and swag.

I’d just launched a brand new online course that I had worked on for most of the year. 

Baby in Tune was about to become the Bugaboo of music classes! (At least, in my mind.) My entrepreneur self was leading the way with conviction.

 

And then – BOOM. 

 

Two days before the city closed down we went remote. Since we were one of the first to do it we actually received complaints. But soon everyone was on board and we all became so very acquainted with the concepts of quarantine and Zoom meetings.

Baby in Tune is one of MANY small businesses that suffered this year and I’ve had my share of tearful nights. But despite the challenges I’ve been pretty lucky.

So I don’t want to count my woes here. Instead, in the entrepreneurial spirit of my peppy female business mentors, let’s look at the many ways Baby in Tune, and I, have kept GROWING despite it all.

 

My 2020 in review – lessons learned, new roads taken.

 

  • I realized Baby in Tune classes work remotely.

It’s something I’d been wondering about for years. The business had been born and raised in NYC and it felt as if it was the only place it could live.  Which meant it was the only place I could live! COVID helped me realize that Baby in Tune can thrive without physical boundaries, and that’s been liberating for this mama.

 

  • I trained 5 instructors from around the world remotely.

Last year I trained 5 instructors in my kitchen and I was sure face to face over chocolate and popcorn was the only way. This year I did it remotely and it worked just as well. Not only that, the locations of the trainees ranged from Singapore, to LA, to Nashville. How exciting is that? I can now offer it worldwide and spread the Baby in Tune love (can we brand a bar of chocolate with that?).

Side note: Two of my trainees were moms who had taken BIT classes with their baby. It’s been so gratifying to see their transformation from exhausted and overwhelmed parent of a baby (as we’ve all been,) to empowered instructors who will surely touch other parents deeply.

 

  • I improved the online course

Not running around doing 15 classes a week gave me time to think more deeply about the mission of Baby in Tune. As you know, our classes go far beyond Twinkle Twinkle, and even beyond pure music. This year I tweaked the course to revolve more clearly around the main theme of Baby in Tune – helping parents learn their baby’s language.

 

  • With your help, we’ve created villages

More than ever, it was important that you find your village this year.  I mean, you were stuck at home, isolated, lonely, and bored. And that’s on TOP of the normal isolation and blues that we feel as new parents.  Despite the awkward muting and unmuting we found ways to feel natural laughing about not showering all week, crying about how the baby rolled off the bed right next to us, and letting each other know that we’ve been there. You showed up to class ready to support others and feel supported and it worked. 

 

  • I found a balance between work and play

A year ago I was a different kind of entrepreneur. I worked until the computer slid off my thighs and my eyeslids fell shut. I always had a never ending to-do list, I listened to business podcasts in my free time, and I got A LOT done. These days I let things go. You’ve probably noticed that you don’t always get a weekly Tuesday Tune In. Sometimes you even get it on a Wednesday (like today!). Who cares? Not me anymore. COVID knocked the overachiever out of me and showed me I have no control anyway. Pass the Haagen Dazs. Let’s watch Schitt’s Creek.

 

  • I went on a trip I’ve wanted to go on for a long time.

Remember the blog in which I wrote about COVID being an accelerator? Well, for me it turned my “someday we’re going to travel as a family” into “should I take the guitar AND the ukulele?” I’ve wanted to travel forever but haven’t been able to put the puzzle pieces together. How will we make a living? What about school? What about my business? COVID answered all of those questions for me. It said – now is the time. And I listened. These days my favorite moments are the 4 hour drives to our new destination – the kids safe in the back, all of our belongings with us, and the unknown ahead. I feel utterly grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given to follow our nose to the next destination. 

 

 

  • I started a travel blog

Did I just say I’m not an overachiever anymore? Well, now I have two blogs I am keeping up with. They’re both very different. One is for you all. My guiding principle with this one is that if it isn’t of value to you then there is no point. The travel blog is different. In large part it’s to keep anyone interested up to date on our whereabouts, especially my mom (do you want to stay up to date on my family’s road trip? Come join the list!). But it’s also for me. I know I’ll want a record of this time and a blog is my way of keeping a journal that holds me accountable. Who knows? Maybe one day It’ll turn into something else…

 

  • I’ve written new songs. 

With everything going on I’ve actually been creative this year. I think it had to do with me relaxing on the flow charts a bit. With my inner entrepreneur on break my musican self had some space to breathe. I’ve learned a bunch of covers and have written songs from the road. It’s refreshing to write with no pressure. I don’t expect the songs to turn into albums (do those still exist anymore?), I am not gearing the songs toward a specific market, I’m just noodling. The best place to hear those are on my travel Instagram account

 

 

So there you have it dear Tunie. Without a doubt I’ve been one of the more fortunate during COVID.  I’m very lucky that my husband’s job stayed a constant.  I meant that even during my sleepless nights regarding my business, I knew our family would be ok. So many did not have that luxury; they lost jobs, were sick, or lost loved ones.

 

So before I write off this year as a bust, I wanted to acknowledge that with your help, it actually paved the way toward directions I had only dreamed about prior.

 

Thank you all for joining me on this journey. Thank you for continuing to sing, learn, share, laugh and cry with me.

 

So what about you dear Tunie? Has this year pointed you in new directions? Has it trampled over all of your plans and you’re still picking up the pieces? Comment and let me know.

 

Wishing you a very warm new year full of plans that get broken only to point you in a better direction.

Love,

Vered

 

Has 2020 made you a better parent?

Dear Tunester,

 

2020 felt a lot like 6th grade did for me.

 

We had just moved to Israel. In the midst of my awkward, pimpled youth, swinging violently from overconfident to wanting to bury myself deep in a hole, I found myself in a completely foreign country. I didn’t speak the language, the kids were tougher and meaner, and the only thing they seemed to like about me  were my Reeboks. And that wore off quickly.

 

It was a painful year in which I desperately wanted an invisibility cloak. In fact, I would have taken a COVID mask if you’d offered it. I felt uncomfortable through and through and just wanted to hide. The ground had been pulled out from under me and I grasped to recover.

 

In many ways, that year defined me. I developed empathy for immigrants, insecurities that often  serve me (and sometimes don’t), and confidence that I can adapt to new situations.

 

I don’t remember 4th, 5th, 7th or 8th grade as much, but I remember 6th grade vividly. It was traumatic. And that’s also what made it so pivotal in my life.

 

To put it plainly, this year has sucked. We’re all dying to Gloria Gaynor 2020 to the curb -“Go! walk out the door! Just turn around now, ’cause you’re not welcome anymore…”

 

But the truth is, we’ll be looking back on it for the rest of our lives. We’ll be asking each other where we were, how we got through it. We’ll continue to process our trauma just like we talk about 9/11. 

 

This year was a collectively defining moment in all of our lives, on a personal and global level. We’ve changed as a result. And no matter how much we want to put it behind us, it’s going to stay with us. 

 

So maybe instead of saying a quick sayonara, we can be more mindful of the baggage we’re walking out with. Some of it will just add weight to our already heavy load. But I think there’s more there that needs to be unpacked.  I think we may have grown as parents too.

 

First, a little kvetching. Here’s some of why this year can kiss our ass:

 

1. It’s kept us up at night thinking about the thousands of people who have died from COVID. And worse, the people they’ve left behind.

 

2. It’s put so many of us out of work, and as we kiss our kids goodnight, many of us have wondered how we’ll make ends meet, or pay this month’s bills. 

 

3. It’s distanced us from our fellow humans. We cringe when people walk too close to us now. We do a double-take  when actors on Netflix shows walk into a room without a mask, even though it wasn’t even filmed during the pandemic.

 

4. It’s made parenting so very hard. We’ve turned into full-time teachers, chefs, housekeepers without a minute away from the kids. For those with babies, it’s meant nonstop damage control, constantly one minute away from a glass bowl shattering on the floor.

 

5. It’s put marriages and partnerships to the ultimate test. Gone is the allure, the leg-shaving, even changing clothes sometimes. We’ve forgotten to curb annoying habits. After 10 months of endless togetherness, we just let it all hang out.

 

6. It’s turned us into doom-scrollers. We’ve spent hours and hours on our phones, yearning for some social connection, desperately waiting for a sign that this nightmare is over. And as our heads have been deep in our screens, our kids have been watching us.

 

I could go on…

 

But like 6th grade, this year has also made us who we are. We’ve grown as parents:

 

1. After 24/7 parenting, we’ve discovered a level of intimacy with our kids that goes beyond the Nose Frida in the middle of the night. 

 

2. We’ve found energy to play one more round of hide-and-seek or build one more lego truck together.

 

3. We’ve become more relaxed parents. We don’t obsess about screen time anymore. We don’t spend endless hours Googling the perfect cry it out technique because we know there isn’t one.

 

4. We let ourselves just BE a lot more. We let our kids just be too. If they want to build a fort with every single pillow in the house, so be it.

 

5. We’ve come to realize how precious life is and how insignificant the small battles are. We let them go. What’s the point? 

 

6. We’ve realized what DOES matter. The extra hug before bed, the spontaneous singing together, the giggles we find when we relax our body and let our kids love us the way they do.

 

7. We’ve learned that there is no point denying ourselves of things that we once did. If we want a Christmas tree but we are Jews, we get a Christmas tree, goddammit!  

 

8. We’ve become more flexible. We had to be. We couldn’t fight the changes in the world and we had to adjust. 

 

9. We’ve learned what is unshakable – our love for our kids, for our family, for our fellow humans.

 

 

What do you think, have we become better parents?  I want to hear your take on it.

 

As we rush into 2021 we have the opportunity to decide what we’ll take with us. In a year’s time when we are all (hopefully) vaccinated and unmasked, will we bounce right back to our pre-COVID ways? What will we take with us from this unique period of time?

 

This is a year that will define  us. We will remember it forever. And because of all the trials and challenges it brought us, it’s a year that has changed us, as parents, as family members, as humans. So who will we be once we remove our masks? 

 

Your Family Zoom Reimagined…

Dear Tunester,

I’m in the back of a brown Buick station wagon gazing out at the endless wheat fields outside my window. Did I have a seat belt on? Probably not. We’re on a road trip and it’s my dad’s turn to pick the music. Willie Nelson is crooning and I’m rolling my eyes. Another hour until I get to listen to the Muppet Show for the 56th time. 

 

Now I’m on a road trip with my own kids traveling to the same Bryce and Zion playing that same Stardust album. I appreciate his nonchalant delivery and elegant productions but it’s more than that. My eyes tear while I listen to it.

 

I wonder – am I so moved because these songs encapsulate this journey, from child to mother, from one side of the US to the other? Or is it the music itself that I can now appreciate as an adult?

 

Probably both. Willie Nelson is Willie Nelson. AND my father instilled in me a connection to this music. He felt it strongly and he passed it down.

 

Now it’s my kids in the back asking- “do we have to hear that again?”

 

Wait till they’re older…

 

Music collapses time. It brings the past viscerally into the present. Because it’s stored in a different region of our brain than memories, it activates parts of our brain that bring back our sense-memory of an experience.

 

Have you ever heard a song from your childhood and feel like you are back on a swing with your cousin, or at that party in highschool with your friend, or in the delivery room with your new baby? Music brings back memories with all five senses. Suddenly we can smell the salty ocean, taste that margarita, feel the brand new skin of our baby.

 

Why do I bring this up now? Because this is the time to tap into this.

 

We’re in that magical time between the holidays that brings anticipation, excitement, and an unwinding of the year. And boy do we need it this year.

 

But this time it’s very different. We aren’t gathering, and that really sucks. But as always with Covid, there is a silver lining.

 

Because of the physical distance from our families we’re left to remember past years and cherish what we once took for granted. Have you been thinking back to last Christmas when everyone woke up together? Or a few years ago when your family sang Haunuka songs together?

 

We have more time to ponder what we really want holidays to look like for our young families. We can take a moment to recall the traditions that run in our family, be intentional about continuing the good ones, resurrecting others, and tossing some out completely.

 

This year is the perfect time to tap into our collective family musical memory for three reasons: 

 

  1. Our memories are being evoked.
  2. We’re feeling more emotional this year.
  3. You’re building your young family. 

 

So I’ve been thinking…what if we use our awkward and contrived Zoom family get-togethers to explore the traditions of our family more deeply?

 

Have you ever asked your grandma or parent what music was sung to them when they were little? Or what songs they remember their parents singing at the holidays?

 

NOW is the time to conjure up these memories. Every moment that goes by is an opportunity for the older generation to forget. I don’t know about you but my “mom brain” is here to stay. My memory is about as useful as a Momaroo. So I can’t imagine what memories are still rattling around in our parents’ heads. We have to get to them asap!

 

For this year’s family Zoom get together I propose you take some time to explore your family playbook, remember your family traditions, and bring the past into your baby’s future. 

 

You know I wouldn’t suggest this if I didn’t try it myself. This morning my cousins, aunt, mother and I got together on Zoom and reminisced about the music passed down through the generations of our family.

 

I found out that most of their family music memories weren’t from holidays rather from singing in the car. My grandfather had a knack for remembering (or making up, we’ll never know,) silly nonsensical songs that are etched into our memories like graffiti on a camp bunk bed.

 

I also found out that my cousin in law’s family sings Christmas carols together before their meal while drinking eggnog. And the best part? They have a playbook with all the lyrics! 

 

So this year let’s make sticky lemonade out of rotten lemons and work on creating our family’s playbook. 

 

Instead of letting that one family member monopolize your Zoom call while everyone else feels awkward, or only talking about what the kids are up to, why not seize the moment and have a conversation that will impact your baby’s future and holidays to come?

 

I’ve got a new offering for people who would like me to facilitate this exciting meeting (email me if you want to get more details on that.) But I want to give you a starter kit of questions to bring to your family.

 

Caution – as always when we dive into memories, this could bring up some STUFF. Along with the fuzzy images of family may also come the harsher ones. You or other family members may feel emotional during the conversation. That’s OK. Tread lightly. Go as far as your collective memory will allow without people spiraling into a dark place. Or, if you can, go there and come back together through song.

 

Here are some questions that you can ask your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, and siblings in your family Zoom meeting:

 

  1. What songs were sung to you when you were a baby/kid?
  2. What songs do you remember being played when you were a kid?
  3. When you think of holidays with your family when you were a kid, what is a song you think of most?
  4. What are your favorite holiday traditions that you used to do with your parents and family?
  5. What traditions did you want to make sure to pass on to us?

 

And questions for you and your partner:

  1. What songs do we want to bring to our baby’s holiday experience?
  2. What family traditions do we want to pass on?
  3. What family traditions do we want to toss?

 

I would love to know what you think about this idea, if you’ll do it, and how it goes when you do. Please COMMENT below.

 

And if you’d like to book a one time family session with me, I can’t wait. Email me here: info@babyintune.com.

 

Do you have a friend who needs some encouragement this holiday season? Send them this blog and tell them to sign up for more:

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

This is how we’ll win this election

Hi Tunies,

Let’s take a breath together. It’s election day. A really important one. And on top of that we’re living through a f*cking pandemic. And on top of that you’ve got your kids home. All the time.

 

Are your nerves running high? Have you been stress-munching on that leftover halloween candy? Me too.

 

So first- Let’s breathe. Seriously. Do it.

 

And as we change a diaper, made a puree, fill a bath, warm a bottle, let’s breathe.

 

Here’s what we know – No matter what happens today and this week, our job as parents is to continue to love our babies. We care so much about this election precisely because we love our babies so much.

 

We want them to grow into a world where there is respect for each other no matter what race, ethnicity, gender identities, religion, or country of origin.

 

It’s heartbreaking that the chasm in this country feels increasingly irreparable. It’s not the world we want for our babies.

 

So today as we bite our nails, doom scroll through our feeds and eat just one more Twix bar, let’s strain to understand the other side. That’s all we can do at this point.

 

Yesterday my family was on the shuttle in Zion National Park. Everyone was wearing a mask except for one woman sitting right in front of us.

 

I politely asked her if she didn’t mind putting on her mask. Her partner was wearing one, so it didn’t seem like an outrageous request.( Plus the fact that a simple piece of fabric on our faces SAVES LIVES.)

 

When she didn’t answer I said it louder. She and her partner kept their gaze ahead and just ignored me completely. And I sat seething.

 

We’ll come back to the end of this story in a second. For now, let’s understand what was going on for each of us.

 

Without fully knowing her perspective I can assume we have some major differences in our fundamental guiding dichotomies. 

 

Here’s what I mean. Before setting out on our road trip this year I was lucky to have stumbled onto a podcast episode that would help me understand people I might encounter along the way outside of my comfy liberal Brooklyn bubble.

 

In it, Lee Hartley Carter explains the differences in thinking between Democrats and Republicans. According to her, it’s the distinction in primary values that prevents us from being able to understand each other. Both sides see the world in two very different dichotomies.

 

Democrats see the world in terms of HARM vs CARE. For them, caring means ensuring social justice, healthcare for all, equal rights in the workforce, LGBTQ rights, anti-racism, regulations for climate control, etc. For Democrats, if you are not driven by the CARE for your fellow human, then you are essentially condoning HARM. 

 

Does that resonate? 

 

Meanwhile, Republicans most often see the world in terms of LIBERTY vs. OPPRESSION. For them, the utmost priority is to insure their private human rights. Regulations they don’t agree with will be seen as OPPRESSION, threatening their right to decide for themselves. Guns, masks, curfews, quarantine, health care for all, taxes, affirmative action, communism, laws against fracking, etc – they all go against LIBERTY and freedom in their minds. 

 

This paradigm makes sense to me. I can understand the Trump supporters I know through this lens. And I can see how they don’t understand my view. We’ve all grown up with certain dichotomies, and we’ve become so accustomed to them that another point of view feels  literally impossible.

 

But as parents we have no choice. Not only that, we’re experts. We do it with our babies and kids all the time. We stretch ourselves to see the world through their eyes, understand their perspective, empathise with their challenges, no matter how uncomfortable it is. And when our kid can’t possibly wear the blue socks because they “hurt” and we need to scour the house for the orange socks when we’re already 10 minutes late, we have no choice but to take a breath, put our anxiety aside, and empathise with our baby’s experience.

 

It’s not easy. Especially if, like me, your HARM alarm is on HIGH. But I don’t see any other way.

 

So back to the bus. As she was getting off the shuttle the woman put her mask on.

 

I couldn’t take it any longer: “So NOW you put on your mask?”

 

She replied: “If you’re so worried maybe you shouldn’t be out in public.”

 

And I answered: “It’s just about caring for your fellow human.”

 

And there it was. I was seeing the situation through my HARM/CARE lens. She was seeing the situation through her LIBERTY/OPPRESSION lens.

 

And both of us felt completely RIGHT in our views.

 

I don’t know what this week will bring. But I do know that we’re parents, godammit. There’s no way we’re not going to do all we can to make the world a place where love reigns.

 

What do you think? Is it possible to bridge the great divide? I’d love to hear your thoughts. COMMENT below.

 

Do you have a friend who’s got one hand on a bottle, one hand in the M&M bag, and eyes on the developing election? Send them this reminder to take a breath. Tell them to sign up for more.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The secret to writing a GOOD song with your baby

Dear Tunester,

When we first started mapping out our year-long road trip, there was one place I felt we had to go despite the fact that it would mean a dip south before we head north – Nashville.

 

On our way there we prepared. We listened to John Denver as we went through the Blue Ridge Mountains, and Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson and Tammy Wynette through Tennessee.

 

We also listened to a podcast episode by Malcolm Gladwell in which he breaks down why he thinks country music makes us cry MORE than pop music. The secret ingredient, he says, is that the writers of country music aren’t afraid to sing about heavy topics. And when they do, they aren’t afraid to be specific

 

They don’t just sing about suicide, divorce, murder, addiction, and betrayal. They do it by painting a DETAILED personal picture.

 

For instance check out this opening lyric by Kris Krisstoferson: 

“Busted flat in Baton Rouge, headin’ for a train / Feelin’ nearly faded as my jeans”

We can almost see the guy sitting at the station.

 

Or how about these lyrics by Bobby Braddock in a song Gladwell talks about in the episode:

“He kept her picture on his wall, went half-crazy now and then
He still loved her through it all, hoping she’d come back again
Kept some letters by his bed dated nineteen sixty-two
He had underlined in red every single “I love you””

Again, the lyrics are almost cinematic. And the reason we can see the picture so clearly is because of the details – the year, the underlined letters.

 

Gladwell compares the top country songs of all time to the top rock and roll songs which are not nearly as sad or specific. The saddest song on the list is “the tracks of my tears,” which is about a guy at a party who’s feeling sad. There’s no suicide, murder or divorce in those songs, just the general heartbreak.

 

 

 

Where am I going with all this? I think we can learn from it.

 

Those of you who have taken my class have already been in a songwriting workshop. You know that as parents of babies you are only a short step away from writing a song with your baby. The way you naturally speak to your baby is already so melodic. All that’s missing is some repetition, and voila! It’s a song!

 

(if you haven’t taken the class yet you’ll be shocked to find out how easy writing a song with your baby is. Come try it!) 

 

But let’s take our songwriting skills a step further today by borrowing a page from country music.

 

I wonder if we can do two these things when we write our next ditty with our baby:

 

  1. Let the emotions flow. I am talking all of it. You’re feeling frustrated? Put it in the song. You’re feeling sad? Put it in the song. Feeling angry at your baby? Sing it, baby.

 

  1. Let’s be specific. Talk about the birth mark on your baby’s left cheek, or about the way your baby says the word Banana, or about the color of their poop. Paint a portrait of YOUR baby, and of YOUR relationship.

 

When I started writing songs in my 20s I quickly came to the same conclusion Gladwell does. I realized that the more personal songs were, the more universal they felt.

 

That became my mantra. I didn’t want to write general lines like “you make me feel sad,” I wanted to create a distinct picture with details. And every time I manage to do that (I’m not saying it’s easy), it surprises me how people actually DO identify. 

 

Take this song for instance. Maybe the only song in the world with the word “computer” in it?

 

“When you go to sleep I go on the computer
and just for a moment I am something other than a mom.
On the weekends I try to go to a yoga class if by some miracle
I’m Something other than a mom” 

 

When I wrote that song I felt like I was the only one on the computer trying to feel like ME again. Or desperately racing away to go to a yoga class, on the way brushing my hand across my belly trying to feel for the body that was once there. But every time I sing this song in class, I pick up my head to find someone crying.

 

Now, I’m not saying you’re setting off to write the next country hit or Madison Square Garden anthem. But I am saying this:

 

If you give it a go, and try to write a song using details that only you, your baby, and your partner know, you may just come out with your own private masterpiece. It may be the song that lives on in the lore of your family, The song your son sings to his friends at college to illustrate how silly his folks were, and the song that your daughter sings lovingly to her baby, as she gets inspired to write her own.

 

And now, I’ll move this oven hot computer off my thighs, I’ll forgive myself for having had a lot more extra bites of that salted caramel ice cream, I’ll put on my mom cape, and read three SEPARATE books to three kids because they can’t all goddam agree on one.

 

See? Details 🙂

 

So what do you think? Will you try it? COMMENT and let us know if you’re inspired to croon about your baby’s freckle.

 

Do you have a friend who needs some inspiration for her next baby ditty? Send her this post! And tell her to sign up for more.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Tantrums – It all comes down to THIS.

Dear Tunester,

How have you been? It’s been a little while since we last checked in. For those who don’t know, my family has been on the road for a month. We decided to throw it all to the wind, pile into a car, and explore the country this year. All while the kids study remotely and we work remotely. 

 

Crazy? Hell yeah. But what else were we going to do during this nutty time if not live out the dreams we’ve always had? 

 

But today I don’t want to talk about the places we’ve been, how we’re navigating COVID, or the mental preparation I’ve needed to make in order to bridge the political divide with people we meet along the way.  (If you’d like to hear more about that stuff sign up for my travel blog here.)

 

Today I want to talk about TANTRUMS.

 

Because although we are seeing spectacular views, hiking through mind blowing canyons and driving through lyrical prairies, there are no less tantrums than there were before. And you know what? They look the same. Even with the heavenly backdrop.

 

In fact, they’re about the same two things they were when they were babies – FOOD and SLEEP.

 

I remember when I was a girl and we would travel with my family. My mother was the type who could go all day eating only an ice cream cone, and could always do one more thing – one more hike, one more swim, one more viewpoint. I have a few picturesque memories of the view on our cross country trip, but I especially remember long car rides, swimming in hotel pools, and whining

 

When I grew up I realized what I had been complaining about – HUNGER! Not only that, I realized that my father also had mini tantrums on these trips, and they were for the same reason. He and I share low blood pressure. If we don’t eat we get cranky and weak. My mother, on the other hand, can go on empty no problem.

 

Cut to motherhood and me entering with this super-knowledge. I vowed never to reach that point. I stock the car! Millions of snacks! Sandwiches! Variety! We make three meals!  and yet somehow I fall into the same trap. In fact, my kids get WAY more whiny and lethargic than I remember being.

 

Yes, I am asking a lot of them on this trip. We are doing a ton of moving around, walking, seeing, and sleeping in strange beds. But in the end it always comes down to these two basic bodily needs.

 

FOOD. SLEEP.

 

Here’s the scenario – it’s day two of Yellowstone. We are excited to see, hike, explore. And the whining is incessant – “I don’t WANT to go on a hike!” “I want to be in the hotel!” “I don’t want to be on this trip!” “Why are we doing this!”

 

We take a short walk hoping the fresh air will help. The eldest waits in the car. The other two drag along. We get back in the car and the whining continues. I offer snacks, sandwiches, games, all refused. My husband starts to get upset and barks at them. I get anxious and try to quell the tension. It is our usual family meltdown cycle.

 

And then I have the realization – They need a nap! Much like an infant, they need to reset. Anything we try to do before that happens won’t go well.

 

As a kid, back when safety regulations were limited to ‘don’t tie your kid to the roof,’ I often climbed into the back of the station wagon and slept for most of the ride. The tired whiny problem didn’t exist as much for my parents. 

 

So I brought down the axe with my kids. I told them they had to sleep for 30 minutes. And then I bribed them because we do what we gotta do. I told them If they did they would get extra screen time at the hotel.

 

We turned on classical music and demanded silence. Two out of three slept. WIN!

 

We arrived at a trail and all came, no complaints. The two hours went by with singing, joking, photographing, and climbing.

 

Whew.

 

Food and sleep. Just like infants. 

 

Here’s the takeaway. They need those two things and they need US to keep track of them and administer them, even as they grow. 

 

If you have the child who goes to nap voluntarily when they’re tired, congratulations. You’ve got one in a million. The rest of us need to make it happen if we want them to be resourceful, flexible, and (please god) pleasant.

 

HOW to get them to sleep or eat is another story. But I bet you’ve got your last resort failsafe methods. And I bet you use them when it hits you that nothing else will work until you take care of – 

 

FOOD. SLEEP.

 

Parents, we got this. And we definitely have the more important stuff – LOVE.

 

So what do you think? Are those the two primary reasons your kids have meltdowns and tantrums or am I missing something crucial? COMMENT below.

 

Do you have a friend who just pulled her hair out as her baby yelled through the streets? Send her this.

 
 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

6 ways to ease your kids’ transition into fall

Here we are squeezing out the final drops of summer as the sun sets on this season.Can you almost hear John Travolta and Olivia Newton John singing “Those summer, niiiiiiiiiiiihiiiiiiiiights?”

So…now what?

Now we transition.

In past years, I’ve written blogs during this time about going back to school, picking up our routine again, rediscovering our own freedom.

Traditionally this was a time of stress, sure, but also of celebration! Parents would wipe away their first-day tears and then break out in dance on their way home or off to work.

Things are obviously so different this time around. Yes, it’s back-to-school season, but it’s nothing like the picture-perfect parade to school: new backpacks on new, freshly cut hair, leaves beginning to drop from the trees. It feels more like a procession of overgrown COVID curls, walking the plank off into a sea of the unknown.

If you’ve got school-age kids, you are probably feeling a mix of elation by the possibility that the kids may actually leave the house for two days, along with terror of the possibility of them hobnobbing closely with a million other kids, no matter HOW many regulations are put into place.

If you’ve got a baby, you’re probably staying up at night weighing your options— do you keep the baby home all day while you work, or do you send them to a daycare with other possibly Corona-bearing babies?Or should you bring in a nanny who might have to travel on the potentially COVID-y subway to and from your house?

Sure, we have options, but none of them look great from here.

But in all the unknowns, there are two things we do know:

  1. Our time is up. No more debating or hemming and hawing—the transition is HERE.
  2. We’ll put one foot in front of the otherand figure it out as we go.

We all know our kids crave some routine. They seem to fall in line when we manage to hold it together. In the past, school helped out with that. This year, it’s on us. And although we can also cut ourselves A LOT of slack in this regard, it will also help to go into this unprecedented year with a game plan.

 

To help you get through this week, here are 5 ways to help your kids and babies feel some semblance of what September is supposed to look like:

 

1. Music is your friend. USE IT.

I can ‘t stress this enough. Music is powerful, especially when it comes to calming us and setting routines.

During these next few weeks, use music in these two ways:

To reset routines. Round up your bath time music, your bedtime music, your feeding music. Pull out all the stops. Go full-force . It WILL help you reclaim your routine that might have slipped during summer. Here is a post with more ideas about this and why it works.

To calm everyone down. Precisely in those moments when you feel overloaded, when the kids are bouncing off the walls, when you can’t hear another conflicting message from the DOE, put on a song that will put you all in a good place. Maybe that’s a dance song, maybe it’s classical music, maybe it’s Raffi.

 

2. Organize the house a bit.

A cluttered space can easily make for a cluttered mind. I’m not saying you need to do a deep clean. But if you have 5 minutes, make a corner for your kid that says “In this spot we think, we create, we respect our surroundings.” Nothing too complicated. Just a clean corner that invites a new page and makes you feel a little peaceful when you look at it.

For your baby, create a “YES area”—a space where everything is allowed and they won’t get into trouble for touching things. A place where they can do their own exploring independently without you needing to monitor their every move or worrying about them getting hurt.

 

3. Reclaim your bedtime routine

Summer lovin’ throws off all evening routines. Trust me, it happened in my home big time. But it’s time to put actual bedtimes back into place. You know what that means? Beyond knowing what time that will be, it means starting the wind down process waaaaaay earlier than you’d think. The trick to keeping to your bedtime routine is giving yourself and your babies/kids enough time to wind down.

For instance, in our home, summer hours have pushed the kids’ bedtime to 9pm. I am going to do my damndest to move that back at least a half hour this fall. But that means that by 8pm they need to already be IN BED. Once they are in bed they read books, ask for a million things, chat and complain. It usually takes them a half hour to do all that no matter how much I try to minimize it. That means that my reading to them needs to start as early as 7:30, at least until we have this established. (Even as I write this, I’m rolling my eyes at my own suggestion.)

But we CAN do this, people. It takes effort but we know it’s worth it—for their sake and for ours.

 

4. Schedule playdates

This year, since we are deciding on friend pods ahead of time, it will help to schedule these meetings for the week. That will take a HUGE load off us when our kids ask for it daily. It will also ease our own scheduling hell and give your kids something to look forward to. Find two days a week that your kid will have playdates with their one or two friends.

Try to keep to set times at least for the first month or so. That way you’ll be able to say, “Tomorrow you have your playdate with Katie!,” which will be something positive for them to focus on, especially during the tough transition time.

 

5. Schedule FaceTime with grandparents

During the summer we did this whenever it felt right. If you’re like us, it probably happened about twice a week with each set. But as we head into the fall things will be a bit more chaotic. We’ll have more to do while our kids might have less to do.

It will help to think of meetings with the grandparents as after-school activities or even school meetings that they do once a week. For instance, my mother reads with my daughter, my mother in law does art with her. If we can get something set on a schedule, I know that my daughter, the grandparents and I will feel much more relaxed knowing the plan.

I want to be able to say, “It’s grandma Wednesday!”

 

6. Plan your weekly meals

I know you might hate me for even saying this. But if you can actually do some meal-planning, it can take a huge load off. Note: I am not talking about anything gourmet. In our home we’ve got 5-7 meals that we rotate between anyway, so why not have designated nights for them so that the kids can latch onto it and expect it. They love knowing what we’ll be eating ahead of time. I love not thinking about it, and it helps a lot with the shopping too.

At our home our weekly meal plan looks like this:

Monday: Ziti night
Tuesday: Taco night
Wednesday: Spaghetti night
Thursday: Chicken/fish night
Friday: Soup and salad night
Saturday: Leftovers
Sunday: Omelette
Get out of jail free card: Takeout night, for when I just can’t.

For lunches, since my kids will be home all the time, I’ll have a few options which they need to either make for themselves or help with heavily. Those are:

Turkey sandwich
Cream cheese sandwich
Quesadilla
Fake nuggets
Mac and cheese
Nutella sandwich

So there you have it. You now know the full extent of my culinary abilities. What’s your weekly meal plan?

 

Let’s do this, parents. It’s a strange new school year with all unknowns ahead of us. Our kids may be home with us for the entire year, they may be at daycare/school for a few weeks only or they may be there for a while. (Or, if you’re my family, they will be in the car with you 24/7.)

Regardless, the tiniest bit of routine will save us right now and be the perfect antidote to TRANSITIONITIS and whatever else this crazy time tries to throw at us.

 

Do you have a strategy for dealing with this year’s extreme case of Transitionitis? Comment below and let me know what it is. I could use some help myself.

 

Do you have a friend who is biting her nails as she heads into a precacrious fall season? Send her this. Tell her there is more help to come if she signs up for the Tuesday Tune In.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

We’re actually doing it

Dear Tunester family.

We’re actually doing it.

The thing we’ve been thinking about for years: Traveling long-term.

 

For years we’ve talked the idea into the ground, analyzing over and over when the best time would be to do it. Do we go when the eldest is in 7th? Before the youngest enters school? When the middle child is in 5th? When my husband is ready to get a new job? When I ditch this career and finally invent the massage pad I have in mind? 

 

What’s the best time to extract ourselves from the path that feels “normal” and surrender fully to the unknown?

 

As it turns out, it’s NOW.

 

Remember when I wrote about the Coronator Accelerator? The idea that the COVID pandemic can accelerate processes? 

 

Well, my husband and I could easily have continued on for years weighing the pros and cons, until next thing you know, we’d find ourselves waving our eldest off to high school murmuring: “we should have done it.”

 

For us, our moment has arrived to do this, and we are seizing it.  Carpe travel!

 

Lots of people are moving out of the city these days, and for the most part, I think they are similar to us; they’ve been talking about it for years and just needed a kick in the butt.

Last NY dinner at Frankie Spuntino’s in the hood

 

There are many reasons for us to hate—nay—despise the Coronavirus. But in this odd instance, I’m actually saying “Thank you Coronavirus, for making us get a move on our dreams for the future.” Because…why the hell wait??

 

Have you been feeling the same about your plans? Have you had ideas rattling around in your head that seem to be creeping up more forcefully now? Along with the tragedy of it, we’ve been handed a gift: the reminder that our time is so very precious. Whatever it is we want to do, it must happen NOW.

 

Not to say that getting to this decision was easy— it was a process. We went from imagining life in Arizona (my husband often works there), to San Francisco (family), to Israel (family), and finally—as you might guess— to Westchester. We REALLY explored the latter. We spent days looking at houses, applied to a school, got financial aid, practically bought the trampoline for the yard. And, besides the fact that the houses are way overpriced these days and were far beyond our budget, it just didn’t feel right.

 

Then we got a twinkle in our eye and started thinking,  “Maybe we don’t even need a home right now. Is it time for us to finally walk our walk?”

 

The fears rushed in: Can the kids handle not having a traditional school setting? Can I (since it will mostly fall on me)? Will it be ok for them not to have their friends around for the year? Will we be able to work from the road? How will we stay COVID-safe? And most of all:  Will the kids drive us, and each other, to utter insanity???

Final jaunt at the playground around the corner.

 

Throughout the year, I’ll be sharing the answers to these questions as we go. I’m starting a new blog for this exact purpose. To get the updates, be sure to put your email in the sign up below. You’ll still get the Baby in Tune blog, but this one will be different. It will be a personal family journal with some funny (and likely, crazy) stories as well as some insights and teachable moments.

 

For now, I’ll try to answer some of the FAQs we’ve gotten most: 

 

1. Are you renting an RV?

Not at the moment. We decided it was too risky regarding the WIFI. We will be depending on the internet for work and school so we can’t mess around. But we’ll probably rent one for a month at some point. I’ll let you know how that goes and if indeed RV living is the Corona dream.

 

2. So what’s your plan?

At the moment we are thinking we’ll Airbnb for a couple of weeks at a time in each location. We’ll sanitize, set up shop, do school, work, and explore. Then move on.

 

3. How will you get around?

We’re getting a new car with a third row. Anything is a step up from the beat up Outback we’ve been driving. The real question is, do we go SUV or full blown MINIVAN? My husband tells me the guitar takes up alot of space. Maybe we leave a kid out instead? I’ll let you know how that shakes out.

 

4. Where will you be going?

We don’t quite know yet. We’ve got a basic outline: Yellowstone Park by the end of September before it gets too cold. Then, we’ll tool around and hit the west coast by December/January. Along the way we’ll make social distance visits with friends and family. And then…

 

5. What about school?

Hmmm. Does anyone have a clue?

We decided to take ourselves out of the maddening back and forth and lean in to remote learning. We’ll be putting our kids in an all online school called Laurel Springs. 

Pros – they’ve been doing online learning for 20 years. They know how. 

Cons – it’s ALL asynchronous learning (pre-recorded videos and assignments). Will it keep the attention of the kids? Maybe not.

 

6. How will you work and homeschool at the same time?

I don’t f*cking know. But at least we’ve all been down this road before last year. It sucked, but we did it. I am imagining lots of ups and downs. Lots of tantrums. By the kids too.

 

7. What about Baby in Tune?

My other baby. I’m not letting her go. These last six months have shown me that online classes really are possible. In fact, they are lovely and supportive, and moving and meaningful. I’ll be continuing those.

I am also launching an online teacher training that will be starting Sept 21. Know anyone who might want to join? Let them know. Here’s the link for more info.

 

8. When do you leave? 

About a week after Labor day. 

 

Want to follow along with our adventure and see whether it was a fabulous or terrible idea? Or Both?

Put your email below. I’ll need some pen pals.  

Travel in Tune with Vered

 




Phone down, summer back. Let’s do this!

You guys—I need to detox, and I need your help.

 

I’m doom-scrolling at 6am, grabbing for the phone at every single lull, stopping tasks mid-way to give myself an “Instagram break”, and worst of all—flipping through my boring feed while my kids are right in front of me. 

 

Are you in this boat? If so, read on.

 

I don’t know about you, but my addiction has gotten SO MUCH WORSE since our old “friend” Corona stopped by. I’m ashamed by how many times I reach for my phone knowing full well that I just checked it a few minutes ago and found NOTHING interesting before either. 

 

But I’m not just talking about social media. My compulsion has grown for the news too. Never before have I actually RUN OUT of news articles to glance through on the NYT app. Sigh. It’s bad. And I can bet I’m not alone in this.

 

Assuming we know, more or less, at this point why this isn’t great for us (see: increases anxiety, lowers self esteem, makes us feel lonely) let’s look at why this isn’t great for our kids. For me at least, that is an even bigger motivator to kick this habit.

 

And then I’ve got a game plan. You might not know this about me but I’m a Challenge Girl. I love to do hard things by setting specific and doable goals for myself. And I especially love it when others join me for the ride. That’s key, actually. 

 

If you want to head straight to the challenge and skip the WHY then click on the link at the bottom of the post.

 

If you’re here for the info, let’s look at the effect our phone use has on our babies and kids.

 

As we talked about in last week’s post, the first three years of our baby’s life is the time to lay the foundation for empathy, self esteem, and emotional development.

 

So much of our baby’s social development happens through mirroring. If I set up a secret camera into your home, I would probably catch hundreds of micro-mirroring moments that you do with your baby without even realizing. You mirror their gestures, facial expressions and sounds, and they do the same back to you. 

 

And what do they see a lot of the time? Us, head bent down, enthralled  at a device that must be pretty darn interesting. And then they see it again, and again and again. And soon enough, they want to mimic our behavior and do it too. 

 

But the issue goes even deeper than just monkey see, monkey do. Through mirroring, our babies understand who they are, how to behave, and how to connect with others. When they are upset, they look to us to show them how to regulate their emotions and they eventually internalize our response. When they encounter others, they look to us to understand when they are in danger and when they are safe.

 

For instance, when a stranger comes up to your baby and leans over the stroller, your baby quickly glances over to you to determine how they should feel about the stranger. If they see your face tense up slightly, they feel that way too. If they see you fully relaxed and peaceful, they understand that the stranger is not a risk. 

 

Neurological connections are being made every time your baby looks to you to gather information about themselves and the world. And, they do it constantly. In fact, our babies actually look at us 70-80% of the time. That’s A TON

 

But here’s the catch: when they glance over at us and they see us staring at the phone, it’s confusing for them. 

 

Why? Imagine this scenario: You’re at the playground, your kid does a thing— jumps off the rock, slides down the pole, climbs up the slide, swings a little higher—and then glances over at you for acknowledgement. 

 

But you’re not looking back. Your head is down staring at the phone. 

 

At that moment, they don’t see themselves reflected back. They don’t see the loving witness that helps them develop self-esteem and self-efficacy. 

 

We might actually look up for a minute and give a little smile, but it is incongruous with what is happening because we don’t get the full picture, and because we are distracted and spacey.

 

Do you want to SEE this in action? Here is a research study by Dr. Tronick that really brings home the point. Check out what happens to these babies when they feel their mother is not appropriately engaged and mirroring their effect.

 

 

Here’s another illustration from the study.

 

These babies will do anything they can to get their parent’s  reaction to be more natural. They may use  charm, surprise, alarm (ie. a fake cough). If all that fails, they WHINE. Yup, we know that whine all too well. In an extreme case in which the parent is mostly disengaged, the baby eventually gives up 🙁

 

I’m not saying you need to be their loving witness every minute of the day. I’m saying we can do better and we know it. 

 

And us? Well, we already know what the phone does to us. But in case you need a refresher, it can make us feel isolated, depressed or stressed. It can eat away at our self confidence and infects us with self-doubt like a trip back to our high school days.

 

But worst of all? It is a TIME SUCK. An hour and a half later, we realize we’ve only really seen one thing that was truly interesting. And that same hour and a half will be the one you long  for the next day while you are with your kids thinking about how you didn’t get that one important thing done.

 

It’s summer. We want to be with our kids and have some carefree fun. That means not wasting our precious time on the f*cking phone.

 

So, who’s with me?

 

I’ve put together a well-thought-out 8 day challenge that I think is totally doable. It’s not going to be easy, but if we do it together, we can get to the other side and feel much better.

 

First step: Join the FB group for this challenge. There I’ll be explaining each step and how to do it. We’ll also be supporting each other. Lord knows I, for one, will need it.

Here’s how the challenge will look. It starts easier and gets harder:

 

Phone Down 8-Day Challenge

  1. Define accounts and sites that make you smile
  2. Categorize accounts you follow 
  3. Log your go-to times of day
  4. Delete accounts that make you frown
  5. Six feet away (from bed)
  6. Song for phone 3 times
  7. One hour a day
  8. Scrap the app after each use

 

Join the Facebook group here to join us for this challenge and kick our habit.

 

In the words of Glennon Doyle, whose books I LOVE but whose SM posts don’t hit me nearly the same way and just waste my time: WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.

 

Let’s go. Join me for the Phone Down Challenge.

 

*This podcast episode of 3 in 30 inspired some of the ideas in this post

How to nurture social development while social distancing

 

So here we are, almost 6 months in. That’s six months sans  popcorn and martinis with the girls, emotional downloads with parents at the playground, and surprise run-ins at the cafe. Our social lives have moved to a rectangle screen and 6-feet-apart hang-outs  with a select few.

 

And then there’s our kids’ social life. That’s where it hurts the most. My daughter just made a new friend on the beach. They did that adorable shy “want to play with me?” and started jumping waves together, but the other girl kept inching closer and closer and my daughter kept shooting me concerned looks, knowing she wasn’t supposed to get too close to her new friend. Oy. 

 

But it’s not just the positive experiences our kids are missing. The kid-to-kid altercations are just as important; fighting over the bucket in the sandbox, being hit over the head with a shaker in music class (of course, that never happens…).

 

You may find yourself wondering, How is social distancing affecting my  baby/toddler? Will they end up being hermits for the rest of their lives? Will they have any social skills whatsoever? Will they have ANY friends? (sob, sob)

 

These are all VERY valid questions. After hearing your concerns about this for the last couple months, I decided it was time to break it down and see what the experts say. Obviously we are in unprecedented territory. But I did my best to sew odds and ends together to understand what’s going on and come up with a game plan. So let’s dive in.

 

First of all, when does social development begin?

 

Right from the start. Infants are attuned to social and emotional stimulation and newborns appear more interested in stimuli that resembles faces, meaning they are interested in people.

 

At 6 months, infants communicate intentionally to others through smiling, touching and babbling. By the end of their first year of life, they’re ready to interact a bit with another baby and play side by side with the same toy.

 

In the second year of life babies start to show even more social development. They can move and speak, which means they can coordinate their behavior with another play partner, they can imitate each other, learn from each other, and start to alternate roles in play.

They also want to help others, and sometimes show aggressive behavior with peers. 

 

What skills does my baby need to develop in order to have peer relations?

 

These are some basic skills our babies need to learn in order to start making friends: Put their attention toward the same object as their peer; regulate emotions; control impulses; imitate a friend’s actions; understand cause-and-effect relationships (ie, if I hit him, he’ll be upset and won’t want to play with me); and be able to express themselves with language.

 

How do they learn these skills?

 

Some of it is simply by just growing up. But a lot of it has to do with OUR relationship with them. Your responsive caregiving helps them learn how to regulate emotions, develop a sense of predictability, and respond to their social environment. In fact, your relationship is so important that the level of your attachment with your baby is an indicator of  how good their relationship will be with peers.

How do we affect attachment? That’s all the good stuff I teach in our classes: being nurturing, consistent, attuned. Our babies need to have somewhat predictable interactions and they need us to be engaged with emotional sensitivity.

 

Got it. Our relationship is important.

But what about peers? Is having friends early in life important?

 

Yes. Kids who had friends early on were shown to have better social lives as kids and as adults. Toddlers who were able to engage in complex play with peers were better at dealing with other children later in school. Also, having friends in early childhood reduces the risk of developing psychological problems later in childhood.

 

What about siblings? Is that considered being social?

 

Yes. Sibling relationships are a special kind of peer relationship, more intimate and likely to last longer than any other relationship in one’s lifetime. They provide an important context for the development of children’s understanding of others’ worlds, emotions, thoughts, intentions and beliefs. But the other side of the coin is that frequent sibling conflicts during childhood are associated with poor adjustment later in life, including violent tendencies.

(Don’t worry mama, some fighting is totally normal and even helpful. Our job is to help them learn how to repair after so they know how to do that later on too.)

 

Ok, so our kids need friends. Does that mean that babies who go to daycare in the first three years have better social development?


Well, let’s look at the ol’ daycare versus home care debate to figure this out:

 

The National Institute for Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) did a huge study comparing types of childcare for babies. They concluded that what matters most is not the TYPE of care—whether nanny, parent, daycare, or other—but rather what’s happening at HOME. The children who experience warmth, responsiveness, and the right kinds of stimulation at home had the best social, cognitive, and emotional development regardless of whether they went to daycare or not.

 

Meaning, for our babies to develop socially it is much more important that the child be responded to warmly and with interest and have frequent back-and-forth interactions during the day with their parents. These kinds of parent-child interactions predict a child’s development far more than childcare factors do.

 

Ok so they don’t need to be at daycare, but they DO need friends.

But do they need MANY friends? And NEW friends?

 

Let’s consider this study that showed that when toddlers have stable friendships, they are able to increase the complexity in their social interaction. That means, when our kids have a buddy, they are more apt  to work stuff out, learn how to cooperate, learn how to share, and learn what happens when they don’t or when they get aggressive.

 

So is that the ticket? At least during our ‘Rona days?

 

Yup. It’s not about quantity, rather quality. It’s about giving your kid one or two GOOD friends, rather than insisting that merely seeing many other babies at the playspace is crucial to their development. Yes, there are benefits to that as we discussed—particularly having the opportunity to mimic and learn from others. But that can also happen with their primary good buddy.

 

So let’s recap: 

What are the two important factors regarding my baby’s social development?

 

  1. Their relationship with you at home
  2. Having stable relationships with friends (but can just be with one or two close friends!)

 

That’s great news. We can do that!

Here is a list of ways to make it happen:

 

Make a friend Pod:

You know how the school kids are making learning pods for this year? Consider making  your own kids’ social pod. Find one or two families that you trust when it comes to COVID exposure and agree to have social meetings for the kids once or twice a week. Allow your kids to engage and play. And that means all of it. Let them push and pull over a toy they both want, let them cooperate on building a tower, and even let them learn some impulse control by hitting or being hit (with you intervening when needed.) Of course, this is all based on your own comfort level and some guidelines will probably need to be agreed upon by all families in order to maintain safety as best as possible. 

 

When I set out to write this piece I emailed one of my mentors, Tovah Klein (Director, Barnard College Center for Toddler Development,) and asked her what she thought parents of toddlers should be doing in order to help with social development. Here’s her response: 

 

“Best to find one other family for the young toddlers to have some social contact and not worry about them being physically close when they are together.  A little socialization goes a long way!”

 

Here’s another important tidbit from her that touches on building independence, forming a healthy attachment, and relying on others:

 

“They also need to practice being away from mommy or daddy– so mommy goes out, even for a walk, says good-bye, and then lets toddler know when she is back.  Daddy the same. Gentle practice with separation is a step toward socializing with others.”

 

Help your child develop social skills at home:

The California Department of Education has a great resource on social-emotional development for babies and toddlers. They lay out the foundations necessary for our kids to develop social skills. Using their list, here are some things you can do at home:

 

  • Teach your child how to express emotion

Research shows that the ability to express positive and negative emotions plays a significant role in their social development. It is especially important for them to be able to express positive emotions. They appeal to social partners and enable relationships to form. 

 

  • Model empathy

As we mentioned earlier, our babies are naturally social creatures who mimic others. When they see us caring for others or experience our nurturance to them they mimic our behavior. You can also help them understand your emotions and the feelings of others so that they can understand someone else’s perspective.

 

  • Show them emotion regulation

This study shows that children’s ability to regulate their emotions factors in to how well they are liked by peers and how peers perceive their social skills.Here’s two ways to help them with this: One is through modeling. This is a hard one, especially these days when tensions are high. But if we can manage to show our kids that even in very stressful situations we are able to regulate our own emotions they learn that behavior as well. We can also support our babies’ emotion regulation by taking care to minimize their exposure to excessive stress or over-stimulation.

 

  • Assist in developing impulse control

This one has a lot to do with our babies just growing up, understanding social expectations, and being able to express themselves better. But we can help them along by teaching them how to deal with the frustration of waiting for needs to be met, inhibiting potentially hurtful behavior, and making safety rules very clear. Having a peer to practice cooperation and sharing with will offer natural opportunities to practice impulse control, so get that pod together if that feels like the right choice for you.

 

  • Support social understanding

This one has to do with our babies understanding what to expect from others, how to engage in back-and-forth social interactions, and which social scripts are to be used for which social situations. The good news? This has a lot to do with you. Recent research suggests that infants’ and toddlers’ social understanding is related to how often they experience adult communication about the thoughts and emotions of others. So talk to them about feelings—your own, theirs, and those around you.

 

 

So there you have it. All is not lost. In fact, we have all these cool new ways to ensure it’s not. And despite this strange isolated-and-yet-together time, we can make sure that by the time our babies get to their 40th birthday, they’ll have good friends around them and be well-adjusted, happy adults, ready to take on anything. After all, they’ll be able to say they survived “The Covid Era,” right?

 

Whew! That was alot of info. You still with me? Great. Then you probably have a comment about all this. I want to hear it! Please put it in the box below.

 

Also, do you have a friend who has been obsessing about their kid’s lonely future because they’re stuck at home now? Send them this to give them ideas on what to do. You can also tell them to sign up for future excellent info by putting their info in below.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The Coronator Accelerator

Corona Corona, 

You’re like a bulldozer. 

So much disaster 

Everything moves faster

 

Here’s the gist. I know that your days may be moving at snail speed because maybe  you’ve got your kid hanging off of you at all times, but today I want to talk about how things are also moving so much faster. A catastrophe like COVID comes along and our walk becomes a RUN. 

 

But… who has time to loll around anyway?

 

Let’s take our social system for instance. We’ve been snoozing through social equality in this country for the past 75 years. We needed a wake up call. And it came fast and mighty.

 

Now take a look at your own life. The questions you’ve been saving for middle of the night wake ups and then brush aside in the morning have probably risen to the surface, kind of like the muck that’s been trudged up from the Gowanus near my place.

 

All signs and variations seem to point to  this question: How do I want to live my life?

 

Suddenly there is no clear path. There is zero roadmap for what we are experiencing. Together and apart we need to invent our next steps as we go.

 

And there are a myriad of unknowns.

 

All the things that were once a given – adult goes to work, kid goes to school, nanny watches baby, friends play together, have turned into question marks. 

 

I mean shit’s so bad I bet you’ve wondered if you were going to put together your own school pod this year. WHAT? Are we all suddenly principals and educators?

 

And what about Barbados? Who’s on their way there as we speak? Because the Coronator has all of us who’ve  been fantasizing about moving out of the city on a fast highway to the burbs, while suburbians are moving out to farms, and all the rest who never intended to move are suddenly clutching their sofas wondering if they’re missing the boat.

 

Why is this happening? Two reasons: 1. Our psyche is less cluttered with distractions, and 2.,  Life intensifies when there is danger.

 

During the last few months, I unintentionally read stories of people who lived in or escaped captivity. I re-read the Diary of Anne Frank, Educated, Circe, Lilac Girls. The other night I added to that list and watched the movie: “Room”. If you haven’t seen it, it’s the story of a woman who is held hostage for 7 years in a man’s shed. Two years in, she has a baby and raises him in the “Room.”

 

(**Spoiler Alert ** if you haven’t seen it and don’t know the story I am about to give something away but it’s in all of the previews so you probably know. It’s worth watching for the process. It’s not a plot type of movie)

 

When they finally escape the son is overwhelmed by how much space there is in the world. He says: 

There’s so much of “place” in the world. There’s less time because the time has to be spread extra thin over all the places, like butter.”

 

For those of us who have been lucky enough to stay healthy during this pandemic, the main issue we’ve grappled with is the walls closing in on us. Moving around less, not seeing friends, kids staying home. I don’t have to tell you.

 

But what that leaves us with is more time. We’ve reduced the rush from place to place and we freed ourselves for other processes to happen. Do you remember how much time we wasted moseying into Anthropologie and checking out that shirt we didn’t actually want? Or spending hours carting our kids to and fro places? Or coming home exhausted from the day’s marathon vegging for the rest of the day?

 

But there’s another piece. Do you remember how you felt 6 months before having a baby? I don’t know about you but I got more done in those 6 months than I had in all of my adult years before that. I went into overdrive each time I was pregnant with the feeling that my life (at least as I knew it) was about to end.

 

And I know I’m not alone. We move to new apartments, we get cars, we find our dream job, we take on mammoth projects and actually get them done. The three albums I made? Two of them were while I was pregnant. (here’s a video about how I actually made an album without being pregnant too.)

 

When we feel imminent danger or transition we are so much more aware that life is fleeting and precious. There’s no time to waste living in a place you don’t want to live, or doing a job that isn’t fulfilling, or staying in an unhealthy relationship.

 

Basically, our bucket list is in full force. And that list is staring us down with no other competing distractions to let us off the hook.

 

Here’s the good news. It’s exhilarating. It’s living. It’s not acquiescing to a situation that we might have continued in for years with our morning coffee and daily complaints.

 

One thing’s for sure: This year and maybe the next few years to come are going to take a big amount of flexibility.

 

But we got this. we can create our own map. And maybe it will even be what a little voice within us thought was just a dream and didn’t dare yell out during the day, only at night.

 

At this point,  anything’s possible.

 

So tell me- Is your bucket list calling you? Mine is. I hope to share some of my big moves in the next month or so. Are you making big moves? Are you asking big questions? Please let us know.

 

Do you have a friend who just bought chickens for her farm? Send her this post to let her know she’s not crazy.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The ultimate family road trip playlist

Guys, summer is finally here. And although Rona might not be going anywhere anytime soon, it’s time for us to move around a bit and get out there and explore. Safely, physically distanced, of course.

Grab your map and sunglasses, or rather your Waze, Cheddar Bunnies, apple slices, water bottle, sunscreen, lovey, paci, books, mask, and a whole lotta patience, and let’s do this.

In our family we torture our kids by making them sit in the car without any screens whatsoever. Can you imagine those poor tender youthlings with nothing to do but stare out the window?

I know. It’s modern day torture.

But gosh darnit the car is our time to sing together, listen together, learn and explore, and I’m not about to give that up.

So this week I’m solving for one part of your car ride equation. Behold the ultimate family road trip playlist.

It’s got Kindie, grown up, mine, and anything that I think feels like the top down and the wind in our hair.

Before you go ahead and listen, or maybe even while you listen, here is a quick recap of what you’ll find.

 

1.Movin’ Right Along from The Muppet Movie

When I was about 6 my parents took us on a road trip. I think we listened to the Muppet Movie Soundtrack 1,257 times. This song was our fave. There was no way I was about to do a road trip playlist without it.

 

2. Through the Woods by the Okee Dokee Brothers

These guys are the explorers of the Kindie (kid indie) scene. They explore nature like I explore family dynamics. Each of their albums takes you to a different nature landscape. And they’ve got a great vibe too. You might recognize Justin Lansing’s voice from my song More of a Baby.

 

3. Lovely Day by Bill Withers.

Something about Bill Withers has always touched me to the core. His effortless voice, no frills singing, and good vibe yet profound songs.

 

4. Unhurried Journey by Elena Moon Park 

Elena was once a part of Dan Zane’s kids band before she went off to do her own thing. It’s a good thing she did because her music is beautiful. This is from her new album and Elizabeth Mitchell joins her on this title track.

 

5. It’s My Mother and My Father and My Sister and My Dog by Barry Louis Polisar

You probably know Barry from the song All I Want is You on the Juno Soundtrack. But besides writing a kick ass movie title track he is also a kindie pioneer and this song is pretty entertaining.

 

6. Coniferous Trees by Molly Ledford and Billy Kelly

I’ve told y’all about this album before. I love it. It’s all about trees and its done so tastefully with humor, educational details, and beautiful melodies and production by Dean Jones. I particularly love this one. It’s like we are in the studio with them as they sing it.

 

7. You’ve Got a Friend in Me by Micheal Buble

Obviously this is a Randy Newman song and we all know and love it from Toy Story. But I felt compelled to add this version. Michael Buble is just so ridiculously perfect in his vocals. As much as I try to hate him, I really do love him. He always sounds easy going and upbeat and his singing makes me smile.

 

8. Rosie Darling by Joanie Leeds

If you make it all the way to the end without a bathroom accident, trantrum, fight with partner, or wrong turn I want to hear about it. I’ll send you a Vered shirt. Seriously. But if you do you’ll make it to this lovely song by my friend Joanie Leeds. This is from her new album produced by friend Lucy Kalantari.

So let’s do this. Let’s pile into the car, even if just to head from one side of town to the other, and play some tunes that will inspire, tickle, move, and groove.

 

HAPPY SUMMER!!

  

What are your favorite road trip tunes? Please share them below.

  

Do you know someone in need of a good road trip playlist? Share this with them and they will be forever grateful. And tell them to sign up for future Tune Ins too.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

What parenting a baby teaches us about joining the anti-racism movement

Dear Tunester,

 

I’ve been going back and forth all week on whether to write this post, and, if so, how to do it. There are so many voices we need to be listening to right now. I keep asking myself, “Who am I to add one more? And what if I say something wrong?” 

 

And then I realized, that’s part of the WORK ahead of us; to bumble through this, learn what we need to correct, and be willing to have the conversations to get us there. So I want to put it out there right away: If there is anything in this post that is offensive to anyone, please do write back. Tell me where I went off course. I want to learn.

 

I’ve been hearing a term these days that I resonate with: The Imperfect Ally. To me, it means having our intentions in the right place, wanting to work toward social justice and anti-racism, but also being completely aware that we don’t know exactly how to do that. 

 

It may take time to learn, but we are in this for the long haul. Many have reminded us, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

 

It is going to take a while for us to unlearn ways that feel normal; the mistreatment of people of color (whether unintentional or not) ingrained in our system, the exercising of white privilege daily. And beyond the cerebral understanding, the major shift will have to be cellular, in our bodies. We hold generations of presumptions. Shedding those habits will be painful and will take time.

 

There are plenty of actions to be taken now. I know you’ve probably got a list of them . But this post is about the action in the inaction.

 

Do you all remember the exercise we did in class called Passively Present? We challenged ourselves to be fully present with the experience of our baby. We got down to their level, laid in their position, and let them lead the play. From the outside it didn’t look like we were doing much. But what we were doing actually demanded a lot of effort—we were pushing ourselves to stay fully PRESENT with our baby’s experience. We put our own to do lists, desires, and distractions aside, and we followed our baby’s exploration.

 

There is a step that needs to happen in order to do this anti-racism thing right that cannot be rushed.

 

The other night I was in bed with my husband and we played out the cliche man/woman dynamic. I told him about something that was troubling me and he immediately went into offering solutions. My body tensed, I wanted to turn away and shut down. I didn’t want ideas for action. I needed him to acknowledge my sadness. I wanted to express my dark feelings and know that he saw my pain.

 

We are in a moment in our history when we need to fully absorb the Black voices around us and acknowledge the experience they’ve had in our country for generations. We need to be Passively Present to their experience. It demands our active listening and it takes effort to do so.

 

And you know what might creep up while we try to do that? Our good friend GUILT. And that may cloud our ability to listen.

 

For the White readers here, and that means most (I’m hoping  to change that,) you might be feeling like me. I’m coming to terms, not just with opening my eyes to reality, but more than that, to realizing that I DID see what was happening before but that it was comfortable for me not to change things. In fact, I’ve come to see almost every choice I make as one of privilege. 

 

But guilt is not a productive feeling. It makes us act impulsively. We want to demonstrate, to ourselves or to others, that we are good

 

But guys, as I said earlier, we’re in this for the long haul. There is no need to burn out, fueled on guilt. Our intention, collectively, is not just to change things for our neighbor, although that is a great start, but for our kids’ generation and their kids’ generation.

 

Guilt shifts the conversation away from the victim. So how do we break out of it? We go back to being passively present. We absorb the words and the emotions of black speakers, writers and leaders. And we allow for our own response, in our bodies, to happen without covering them over with shoulds and shouldn’ts (aka guilt.)

 

Many of you have been saying in class that you are feeling distressed about what is going on in the streets. You want to join the effort, but you are busy taking care of a baby.

 

That’s ok. You won’t be in this survival phase forever with your baby. You will once again have the mind space and physical space to head out into a protest or to join local activist groups if you choose. But for now, there’s also work to be done from home. 

 

I’ve never been an early adopter. I know this about myself. It is going to take me some time to figure out exactly how I can create change with my own hands. At the moment, I have my eye on putting my efforts into the elections this year. 

 

Meanwhile, I’ve got work to do. I need to feel the sadness of my Black neighbors, the anger that the young Black leaders I watch on IG are expressing. I need to cry, shake, meditate, take deep breaths, and let the work happen in my body as well. I need to acknowledge my fear of losing certain comforts in order to gain humanity. I need to sit with my sadness of having let down my fellow humans.

 

And when I feel compelled to add my voice to the conversation, I’ll do so, knowing that I will make tons of mistakes, but I’ll listen and learn as I go. That’s the work.

 

Here is a list of some of the voices I have been listening to and feeling with. These are on IG:

@soniareneetaylor

@Whitneyrmcguire

@privtoprog

@brandonkgood

@laurenwesleywilson

@professor_crunk

@austinchanning

@osopepatrisse

@ericacourdae

@luvvie

@taranajaneen

@rachel.cargle

 

So tell me. Do you think I’m right on this? Should we take a moment to fully FEEL or is it just a way to avoid the action that must be taken? COMMENT below and let me know your stance.

 

Do you have a friend who could use a dose of Baby in Tune each week? Send them this post to sign up.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to talk to your kids about race? Start with a song

Dear Tunester,

It’s been a week to end all weeks. I know we all feel raw, emotional, fragile, and scared. For ourselves. For our children. For the future. But I can feel change on the horizon. Can’t you? It keeps my hope alive.

 

It’s taken a lot to shake our country to its core: a pandemic that sent us into our homes indefinitely, caused financial insecurity for so many, and disproportionately affected the black community. And on top of that, another tragic, unnecessary death of a black American. 

 

We don’t have our regular trips to the market, days at work or pick-ups from daycare, to distract us from what is bubbling up in our country and in ourselves. And we get it (most of us). We feel it deeply.

 

This country needs to change NOW.

 

In today’s post I’m not going to give you a list of books for kids, or ways to educate yours. I know you can find that stuff elsewhere and you should.

 

What I can offer you is a new song to help you open the conversation with your kids.

 

It wasn’t easy to write it. It’s not perfect. But we’re all learning how to talk about this, how to understand the experience of our black neighbors, and most of all: how to take action.

 

The other day I opened the topic of race with my 11 year old. He said “I’m afraid to talk about it with friends because I’m scared I’ll say something racist.” 

 

Oh man. That hit me hard. Not just because it is sad to hear that he doesn’t feel he can talk about it but because I identified. I know he is expressing what so many of us feel all the time:  What’s the right thing to say to be supportive but not accidentally offend?

 

A couple of days later he told me a story I had never heard: a few years earlier he had said the “N” word at school. He didn’t know what it meant and was using it out of context. I’m not sure where he had even heard it to begin with. His teacher immediately reacted, brought the vice principal who spoke to the whole class about the matter. My son understood the gravity of it. He also felt ashamed to the point where he didn’t even tell me about it later.

 

So there you have point A leading to point B. 

 

Here’s a kid who was curious, did not harbor judgment, and was misinformed. Immediately, due to the systemic issues in our country he got the feeling that he should never broach the topic.

 

My son did not set out to discriminate. He was aware of our family value and the school value of acceptance. He just didn’t know the word or how loaded it was.

 

I wonder now if the school could have handled it differently, opening the conversation, gently telling a child what words are offensive, and welcoming curiosity and questions about difference.

 

That’s our job with our kids. Let’s teach them non-judgment and encourage curiosity. Let’s teach them words and phrases that might be offensive. And let’s teach them to ask their black neighbor if what they said is offensive in any way. 

 

That’s actually what I did yesterday after I wrote the song. I called a black friend and asked her to listen. I asked her if anything was triggering. I had never done that before about a song I wrote and I felt that was a big step in the right direction for me. 

 

So that’s what I mean when I say change is on the horizon. I find it very encouraging. But we need to go through lots of growing pains before we get there.

 

 

So how have you broached the topic with your kids? Please comment below and let us know. We all need some support on this.

 

Do you have a friend who could use a song to illustrate the predicament we are in? Send them the Tuesday Tune In and tell them to sign up below so they’ll get the next one too.

How to break out of the quarantine rut

Dear QuaranTunie,

Did anyone else’s week go by in a flash? Could May possibly be almost done? Is it Tuesday already??

This month feels so different from March and April which moved like a snaaaaaaiiiil. 

 

You know why? It has to do with newness and sameness, novelty and monotony. Let’s look back.

 

In March the crisis hit us in the face. We spent all of our energy and time coming to terms with the seismic shift in the world, the horror of it, the extreme upheaval in our lives.

 

April followed along after. We were still absorbing, buying masks, furiously scrolling through the news, anxiously trying to figure out the million educational apps sent by teachers, worrying about grandparents, cooking 17 meals a day, figuring out how to survive our day to day.

 

By the time  May hit we were used to the sitch. Not that we liked it, but we settled in. Stopped fighting it. We bought a few more boxes of mac and cheese and found places to order in from, we said f*ck it- my kid figuring out how to navigate Netflix like a pro counts as learning how to read, we accepted that we weren’t going to be the best parents during home stay, nor the best employees at our work. 

 

We found some sort of routine in the chaotic lack of routine or maybe we just fully surrendered. And slowly, days started to look the same. 

 

So here we are. We don’t see many new people (or many people at all), we don’t have many new experiences, we don’t go to many new places. We have  fallen into the humdrums of it. (Of course, those of us who are in the trenches of this crisis are having  a completely different experience).

 

And that’s when time flies by. When we don’t have newness, when there is nothing unordinary in our day, when we don’t encounter surprises along the way or have events to mark the time. 

 

Remember when we had mini new moments all throughout our day? A shy glance at a stranger at the supermarket after we made the peppers come tumbling down. A clever comment we made to a new mom friend at pick up. A presentation we kicked out of the park after sweating it out the night before.

 

In their book “The Power of Moments,” Chip and Dan Heath find that  we tend to remember ‘defining moments’; moments which are surprising, meaningful and extraordinary. When we have these moments we feel as if time is moving more slowly.

 

Think back to a time in your life when a lot of new things were happening—your first year of high school, a backpacking trip, your first months  of being a parent. I bet if we had met during that time you wouldn’t be saying “It’s Tuesday again?” Because then  every day was packed with new challenges and surprises.

 

Home stay means we aren’t having many new experiences that don’t involve our kids. Don’t get me wrong, those are PLENTY and are extremely fulfilling. 

 

But I’m here to push us to find some more this week.

 

According to the Heath brothers, these  are some elements that make for memorable and defining moments:

 

  1. Boost your sensory appeal. This week, buy some flowers for your home. Turn up the music, light some candles, tickle your senses.
  2. Raise the stakes. Push yourself to do a presentation you’ve been putting off. Play a game you’re scared to lose, set a deadline for yourself that you know is a big challenge.
  3. Break the script. Do something that surprises your spouse. Hell, do something that surprises yourself. Buy him/her a gift, create a surprise of some sort, or simply say something you don’t normally share.
  4. Find connection. Create synchronized meaningful moments with others. This one is harder to do in quarantine, but not impossible. (Baby in Tune is all about helping you do exactly this.)

 

This week in our classes, I gave you homework to find moments like these and you came up with some ideas for how you would do this. One of you said you would run outside after not running for a while, another said you would try to bake something new, another said you would take the family on a trip.

 

So now I’m giving you the homework too. Let’s find ways to make this week memorable. Let’s bust out of the quarantine humdrums and change it up. You might not be able to try jumping out of a plane at the moment but I bet you can find a risk to take this week.

 

And I want to offer one way I can help you do this: Last week I told you how to write your very own quarantine song. This week I’m giving away 8 FREE sessions to a family who wants to write a song with me. I’m just feeling it. It will hit a lot of those points the Heath brothers mention: sensory, connection, breaking the script. 

 

And it’s a win win. I get to break out of my quarantine blues too and connect with you all.

 

If you’re interested email me at vered@babyintune.com

 

So let’s do this. Let’s flip the script on quarantine and take back some of the power. Who’s with me?

 

Can you think of a way to stretch yourself this week and do something that makes you sweat a tiny bit? Share with us! We’d love to get some ideas. Comment below.

 

Do you have a friend who could use some coaxing out of the humdrums? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to write your family quarantine song

Dear Quaran-tunie,

Yeah, many parts of this period of our lives has sucked big time. BUT I wonder if one day we will look back on this time as a sweet one for our families too. A moment in which there wasn’t a feeling that time was limited and someone was always rushing out, to work, to drinks, to see friends. Rather there was a feeling of togetherness—you could even call it stickiness.

I don’t know about you but I’ve been feeling clingier to my kids and husband. I mean, it’s ridiculous, because we’re with each other ALL the time, but I still didn’t want my husband to take a necessary 3 hour drive to get our stuff. As much as I need space, I want them to stay near me.

The beauty of this pandemic epoch is that there’s a little bubble that’s been built around our families that disconnects us from the world, and binds us closer to each other.

Of course, this might not be the case for everyone. I’m sure parents who are also essential workers are having a completely different experience.

But regardless of the situation, we could all use this moment for art.

Instead of having just stories and photos from this time, we can make a simple song that you’ll sing to your kids and they’ll sing to their kids to bring back the feeling of togetherness that we had during this time.

And I’m here to help you make it.

 

Here’s how to make your family’s quarantine song:

 

Tip: Since documenting the songwriting process is so easy these days on our phones, I suggest you take advantage and have the camera ready for each one of these.

 

 

The improv approach:

This approach is good for kids who want to fly by the musical seat of their pants. It entails letting your kid riff and you following along. This can be done with any age.

With babies and little kids start, with a melody. Nothing complicated. See if they take the lead and you can follow. Repeat any words that emerge and add on.

With the bigger kids who are able to come up with full sentences, go with their themes. It doesn’t totally need to make sense. Just go with it! It can be gibberish with only some real words.

Here’s some inspiration: You know how Elton John and Bernie Taupin write songs? Elton John comes up with a melody and chord progression while mumbling vocalizations into a recorder. Bernie then takes the recording and turns it into comprehensible words and ideas. He plays off the jibberish sounds Elton John makes and also finds his own.

You can do that with your kid! Themes you didn’t know were there might emerge later on second listening.

Tip: Get physically relaxed. Feeling lazy and comfy is key to letting creative juices flow without judgment. My daughter and I often do this lying down in bed holding the phone over us.

Here is an example I did today with my daughter. She is probably older than most of your kids, so yours may have shorter sentences or even one word verses. That’s ok!

 

 

The Pen to paper approach:

This one is all about lyrics first. If your kid is old enough, brainstorm with them. If not, do it with your partner or even on your own. Come up with some lines to describe how you’re feeling these days.

For instance, the other day in class one of the moms (shout out to Kristen!) said this period felt like she was “cramming for finals and pulling overnighters, with no finals in sight. How long can it last?” I loved that line, jotted it down and it made it into this song (with her permission of course.)

Here is a tip: Think about how you have been describing your feelings and days to your family and friends. Most likely you’ve been using some of the same phrases. Go with those!

 

 

The movement approach:

Writing a song with movement means that you are bringing rhythm in with your body. You can do this while you walk outside, jumping over pillows, or running around the house. It is similar to the improv approach but you are just saying one or two words per movement. This strategy is good for the kids who need to be on the move while they think and create.

 

 

The storytelling approach:

Use a character to tell a story. The character can be your kid’s favorite stuffy, a character from a show or book they like, or made up on the spot. For instance, if your kid has a favorite panda stuffy, ask them: What does panda do in the morning? How does her quarantine day look? Tell your family’s story through panda. You can use a melody from a song that exists, for instance the ABC song, or you can make up your own.

 

 

The facilitator approach:

This one’s my favorite because I get to be involved! I propose we put aside a half hour in which I sit virtually with you and your family and help you write your quarantine song. I’ll help you brainstorm and then shape your lyrics and melody into a song. Then I’ll send you a video of how it all turned out.

Saturday night family activity: CHECK.

Do any of you remember when I did a kickstarter for my second album Hello My Baby? One of the prizes was writing a song with me and many of you signed up to do it. It ended up being one of the most delightful experiences of the whole album making process. We wrote some great songs! I’m fantasizing about that experience with you all.

Last week my talented friend Amelia Robinson from Mil’s Trills invited my daughter and I to her songwriting show to write a song with her for a nurse. The experience reminded me how wonderful it is to have a facilitator during the songwriting process. (Here’s what we came up with. No, my daughter did not let us get a word in edge wise. Yes, it seems she is the daughter of a diva songwriter.)

 

I’d love to offer that to you! If you’re interested email us at info@babyintune.com to book a time and find out the details. 

 

Ok dear quarantunies, I hope you are inspired to start your quarantune songbook with your kid. What an album it will be! Sure, photo albums are great. But this is an album you and your family can take with you everywhere.

 

Have you written any quarantine songs with your kids? We want to hear them! Please post below! Do you have songwriting techniques? Comment below!

 

Do your friends need some inspiration? Are they in a puzzle making rut? Send them this post to ignite their inner Elton John.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to get through this? You’ve done it before

Does anyone else feel like all the cards have been thrown into air and you have no idea how they’ll land?

 

I mean, suddenly ALL the questions are top of mind.

 

On a broad level I’m talking about things like “Will the economy ever recover? And “Will life as we knew it – fights, restaurants, and events, and SUMMER – ever resume?

 

But even more so, I am talking about the fact that this crisis has made me question EVERYTHING on a personal level too. All of the questions that I normally push to the back of my mind have surfaced big time:

 

Like “Do we want to stay in the city or make a break for the ‘burbs?” And “What do I really want to be when I grow up?” And, the one I hate most, “Does THAT person have it figured out?”

 

Whoa. 

 

What a time. What a pause. What a weight dropped upon us.

 

And, what an opportunity.

 

Working remotely and having our kids “schooling” remotely has given us all the feeling that we can go ANYWHERE. 

 

Woohoo! We can go anywhere! 

Oh shit, we can go anywhere.

 

This is a problem born out of priviledge, no doubt. It is hard to complain about too many options. But the fact is that sometimes limitations can be more comforting.

 

These days it feels like we are all operating at a steady simmer of unease, confusion, and overwhelm. There are so many unknowns and the rules that we normally live by keep changing. 

 

But here’s the thing: You know how to get through this. In fact, you’ve done it before. You’ve had these same questions arise with a lot of the same confusion, lack of control, and overwhelm. 

 

And it took a while, but you made it through to the other side.

 

Do you know when that was? When you had your first baby.  

 

Let’s go back even further. Remember before you had a baby when you thought you knew exactly what you wanted your life to look like? (That was so cute!) You wanted an exciting place to live, some adventure, some times to remember . You had ambitions and you worked to achieve them.

 

And then came baby. And everything was called into question.

 

Like – what is truly important to me? Is it this job that I’ve been working so hard to excel at or is it staying home with baby? Where should I raise this baby? Near the grandparents I’ve spent the last 10 years distancing from? And who am I again? What happened to the  laid back cool girl, and who is this micro-manager who has surfaced?

 

Remember that? Well, there’s something you did then that we can learn from now:

 

You gave it time. 

 

You realized you had to put aside looking for answers in order to care for the baby. And, as the strain of those first months lifted you revisited the questions slowly and cautiously. 

 

You didn’t rush it. You knew you were still fragile and tender. You knew you were very similar to the baby who needed a whole lot of patience, cuddles, and soft singing.

 

You lived with the questions for a while and you slowly let the images of your next steps appear to you on their own. It wasn’t something you could solve right away. You had to live with the fear of simply not knowing.

 

It might have been painful. It might have brought a period of depression and hopelessness. It certainly brought a newfound respect for a long shower, a full night of sleep, and some eggs florentine on a Saturday morning, back when you called 12pm morning.

 

But your life was changed forever. And eventually your priorities felt more clear, you felt more human, more alive, more connected to every child, every parent, and every being out there.

 

You did it then, and you can do it again now.

 

The trick here, as it was then, is to find the courage to sit in the questions. To really cozy in to this deep pillowy seat of unknowns and breathe deeply.

 

One difference, which may be a bit comforting, is that we’re all having this baby together. You don’t need to look far to find your mama tribe and ask about the baby’s color of poop, you just need to hop on Zoom.

 

This week I listened to the latest episode of the podcast “On Being.” In it, Krista Tippet talks to Davendra Banhart about Pema Chodron’s book “When Things Fall Apart.” 

 

Since then, I’ve been reading every sentence of the book as if it is an instruction manual for this time. Here’s an excerpt  from  this beautiful book:

 

“Anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That’s when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.”

 

So guys, let’s sit with this together. Let’s accept the unknown and the groundlessness with the knowledge that it will lead us to a more beautiful place.

 

“What we’re talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear and looking it right in the eye – not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking.”

 

How are you dealing with all the questions? Or maybe you don’t have them? We want to know! Comment below.

 

Do you have a friend who needs to know they’re not the only one tossing and turning in their sleep?  Send them this blog. Tell them to sign up for more.

 

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Getting your kid to love Facetime with grandparents

Dear tunies,

It’s looking like this new reality of Zoom grandpa hugs and Facetime grandma kisses is going to last a while. But the problem is, our kids are kind of over it. So this week, let’s talk about something that’s become essential to our living these days—how to keep our little ones engaged with family members on the screen.

 

Here’s the thing. When quarantine started, we rushed to the computers. Hell, we were on a Facetime high for those first few weeks. We met with friends on Zoom left and right, the kids were excited to have extra time with the grandparents. It actually even felt a little better than normal; we were connecting with our loved ones even more than usual. 

 

And then the energy tanked. The kids crawled away or hid from the screen. They got tired of it and we understood. And that meant disappointed grandparents, some who even took it a littler personally. And It was a loss for us too. We came to rely on those convos as the next best thing to a babysitter. We could do the dishes, straighten up, or even take a work call as they were happening. Plus we loved them for helping maintain the connection between our kids and loved ones. 

 

So before we figure out how we can breathe new life into our kids’ relationship with extended family through the screen, let’s talk about why our kids might not be fans of connecting through video.

 

Why your kids are not a fan of Facetime

 

The obvious reason is that there is no substitute for the actual snuggles and kisses that relatives give. Kids need tactile stimulation. We all do. Not being able to curl up into grandpa’s lap for a story is a huge loss.

 

But there’s more to it.

 

Connecting visually through the screen can be confusing. When we are face to face with someone we learn to pick up on many tiny cues constantly happening: a twitch around the mouth, a slight smile in the eyes, a face slightly turned away, the body leaning in, the eyebrows in a slight scowl. These cues are extremely subtle and we react to them just as unconsciously as they were expressed.

Facetime eliminates a lot of those extra cues because the picture isn’t clear enough, there’s often a delay, and because we don’t see the full body. We have much less information to go on and that means it is harder to connect.

 

Not only that, the technical issues of video chatting make our emotional experience tiring. A recent New York Times article explained that because the image we are watching is out of sync with the speech, delayed, or frozen for a second, “we perceive it as a prediction error that needs to be fixed…we’re having to do more work because aspects of our predictions are not being confirmed, and that can get exhausting.” (Paula Niedenthal, professor or psychology at the University of Wisconsin.) 

 

Meaning, we aren’t able to make a logical match between the speech and the picture. We need to fill in the gaps to make sense of the emotion expressed. And that’s alot of work.

 

Why it’s worth it nonetheless

 

That said, the benefits of Facetime with grandparents, especially right now, outweigh the costs. Our kids (and us) need connection. They’ve got us at home all the time now but they also see us working more than ever, on our computers, cleaning, etc. Having family members who are exclusively focused on them repairs that a bit.

 

Also, believe it or not, this type of screen time is not only NOT harmful, it is beneficial. The American Academy of Pediatrics say that interactive facetime with a relative (or in a music class!!) is in a different category than normal screen time. It makes all the difference when your baby is fully engaged and when each side is reacting to each other.

 

So we know why it may be challenging, and we know why it’s worth fighting for nonetheless. So now let’s talk a few tips and tricks so your kids don’t go on hating them. Facetime that is, not the grandparents. 

 

So here are a few tips that YOU’VE told me have worked for you. 

 

1. Story Time 

No matter what age the child, this is a winner strategy. The family members can read board books and story books to the little ones and chapter books to the older kids. My daughter’s interest in grandma screen time was reignited when grandma started reading Charlotte’s Web. Now she is excited to tune in.

 

2. Lunch Date

Lots of parents have told me that their babies and kids are happier talking to family members when it’s over a meal. The kids are busy with the food and have something tactile to work on. The grandparents can tell them a story, just hang out, or have their own meal at the same time.

 

3. Facetime Song

I’m sure you’re not surprised to see this on the list. That’s  because it works! Ask your family members to have a hello song, and goodbye song, songs that help structure the call. If they can throw in some hand gestures and movement songs, even better.

 

4. Busy Bee 

Before you make the call, set your kid up with an engaging activity – drawing, play dough, cutting, painting, building, sticking, whatever. That way your kid can be busy with something they love and the grandparents can chime in and feel like they are involved. 

My daughter’s other grandmother is very crafty. She’s been leading them in art projects over the screen.

 

5. Puppet Play

Looking at 2D faces is not that interesting. You know what is? PUPPETS. The kids in my classes love when we do our puppets songs. They add color, fun, and imagination. Even the disengaged babies seem to tune in during the puppet song. Here is one of the songs we do in class. Send this to the grandparents. Send them a puppet in the mail. It’s super simple and is sure to be a hit. 

My daughter joined me on this one… a fave of hers too.

 

6. Bubble Bash

It’s never the wrong time for bubbles. Someone just mentioned this in one of my classes today and I love it. So simple. Have grandma grab a bottle of bubbles. That will definitely make the screen more interesting. And to make the party even more spectacular, you can blow bubbles on your side too.

 

7. Peace Out

Sometimes our kids get turned off by an activity that they feel they can’t get out of. Your daughter might have had a great time talking to grandma last week but it went on longer than she could handle. She ended up being tired of it and didn’t know how to end it. To avoid this, decide on a sign, gesture, word, song, that your kid uses to say “I’m done”. They don’t always know how to say it and that could be part of their hesitation. Give them a way to get out of it elegantly.

 

8. Ipad is best

When possible, use an ipad instead of a computer or phone – this is just a technical adjustment. The phone is too small and also trains our kids to stare at our phones (like we do all day). Better to avoid that. The computer has way too many enticing buttons on it. I’m sure you’ve already experienced that issue and are still trying to find that file that’s now vanished from your desktop.

 

 

The main gist of all of these is this: Take the focus off the screen in and of itself.

Have the grandparents bring in an activity or set your kid up with an activity. That way they can share in the experience. 

 

But there’s something important we need to remember:

This is going to go in phases. It is natural for our kids to be very into something for a while and then tired of it the next. We go through the same phases ourselves! It means that grandparents and family members need to accept this and not take it personally.

 

Mostly they know this and accept all push and pull their grandchild hits them with. But these times are different. Right now the older generation may be feeling scared, threatened, lonely and emotional. Connection to the grandkids is mostly everything.

 

You know what else they need right now? You guys. 

 

So even if your kids aren’t in the mood to connect with family members right now, you can make the effort to do so. Chances are, you need it just as much as they do.

 

In fact, that’s how I ended this song called “Grandparents.” I realized it was really me who needed the hug most of all.

 

 

Do you have  other tricks you use to get your kids excited about Skyping with the family? COMMENT below and let us know! We need your tips!

 

Do you have a friend who needs a Facetime cheerleader? Send them this post. Have them join our Tune-iverse.

 

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to get siblings to get along – Part 2

Hi Tunester, 

Last week we talked about IF, WHEN, and HOW to intervene in your kids’ altercations. We separated the types of fights into Lion Cub Fights and Helpless Rage fights and discussed what to do in each situation. If you missed it, click here.

 

Today we are covering more crucial info to help you help your kids get along.

 

But first, let’s remember that we’re all doing our best. We’re learning as we go. This is difficult stuff. Not only that, it’s NORMAL stuff. So be compassionate to yourself as you navigate this warzone.

 

Ok, let’s dive in.

 

1. Bigger doesn’t mean stronger

In the last post we said that in Lion Cub Fights we won’t intervene at all, and will let our kids be, completely, no matter what is going on. That might feel impossible to many. You might be saying – my older one will crush my younger! But ask yourself – is your little one tough? Can she/he defend themselves? If they are 5, 3, or even 1, I bet the answer is yes. If so, they do not need your protection. They are probably much stronger than you give them credit for. In a fight with their sibling they can take care of themselves. Not only that, there are advantages that only the smaller ones know how to use: crying first, getting more empathy, seeming weak, acting quick.

 

2. Find the time.

If you take nothing else from these two posts then heed this advice: Find time to be alone with each kid. I know you know this one and I know it’s not easy to do. And in quarantine it’s near impossible. Who has time for that? But parents,  it is one of the most important things you can do to keep the peace at home

 

Even if it is 10 minutes in a room with each a day. Put the other on a screen if you must. Or have QT as you sit with them by the bath, or as they help you make dinner, or as you play a game. It helps your child feel loved, seen, appreciated, and special. And that reduces the need for competition. I promise you it can make all the difference in how your kids behave with each other. Now here’s how you can make that alone time even more effective:

 

3. Witness their specialness. 

So much of sibling rivalry is vying for OUR attention and love. So let’s cut it off at the pass. Before they start to feel invisible and unloved and want to kill off their competition, let’s remind our kids why we love, appreciate and admire them. Go for the meaningful compliments about their personality, and their process – “I love how you thought so carefully about how you would build that tower and then you sat patiently and didn’t get up until it was done.” “ I admire how you see things in a unique way and make me see things differently.”

For an easy game to play in order to make this happen try this.

Since we are in triage mode during this quarantine time, make a rule for yourself ot say at least 3 of these types of compliments a day.

 

4. Team building.

  • Punish both. If you feel like you need repercussion, remember this rule. Punish both. Last week we talked about how each side feels equally wronged. It is important not to distinguish between punishments so that the kids don’t feel that we are blaming one more than the other.
  • Reward both. By the same token, when possible, reward them both. Have they gone a full day without altercation? Both deserve a reward for that. Make sure to find times like these. Have they gone an hour without an altercation? Prize!!
  • Team them up. Try to play family games in which they are on the same team against you or both parents. Let them band together against you. We want to do whatever it takes for their animosity to move away from each other, even if it means moving toward you.

 

5. Don’t spotlight the other.

When alone with one, don’t talk too much about the other. No matter what you say they will interpret it as you saying the other is better. Read: that you love the other more.

 

6. Unite the coaches – you all

  • Synchronize messaging. Worse than us taking on the roll of the referee is having two referees who disagree. In our home, my husband is quicker to defend the younger sibling and I’m quicker to defend the older. And that causes tension between us, and the kids are always watching. Talk to your partner about NOT refereeing, about the strategies you will start to use moving forward (from last week’s blog), and about keeping it consistent between you both.

 

  • Model communication. We need to model the type of interaction we are expecting for the kids. Tell your partner your own feelings instead of blaming. Meaning, instead of saying – “I’ve been watching the kids all day and you haven’t even picked up a plate.” talk. Explain. Say “Its been a hard day. I’ve been chasing them non stop and feel exhausted. And when you finished work and sat to look at your phone it made me feel resentful.” Show your kids how to communicate feelings and that when it is done well it repairs the rupture.

 

7. Educate

Talk to your kids about the nature of sibling dynamics. Explain what competition means. Explain why they are feeling it and tell them all siblings feel it. Tell them it is fine to feel rage but there are more productive ways of expressing it than through physical fighting.

If they need to get their physical aggression toward their sibling out, grab a pillow and let them punch, for a while, as long as they can. Let them yell all of their angry thougts and feelings. It’s a great way to release some of that energy.

But also explain how lucky they are that they get to work on peer dynamics at home. This is the stuff of life. We constantly deal with these dynamics at work and with friends. How lucky they are to get to practice with someone who will be by their side forever, no matter how bad it gets.

 

8. Remember: YOU are the object.

One last point. As we’ve talked about in these two posts, siblings are competing over your love and attention. They are angry at their sibling for taking attention away but they are angry at YOU for having more kids. But our kids can’t fully take it out on us. It is much safer to take it out on their sibling. Taking it out on us means risking pushing us away, or even losing us. I don’t mean this literally. We aren’t going anywere. But that is the fantasy of our kids. 

So in order to protect the relationship of your kids together, allow your children to take it out on you. Also, allow them to connect when they need. In fact, ALL of our kids’ interactions with us are vying for connection, even when they don’t feel that way.

 

Ok Tunie. I hope these posts help with your situation at home.

 

Need more help? I’ve got a workshop starting next week and there are still a few spots open.

 

Join us for a NEW ONLINE WORKSHOP FOR PARENTS – Individualized counseling on how to keep the peace in your home. Limited to 10 participants, meeting twice for 75 minutes. 

 

Thursday May 7 8:15pm

Thursday  May 14th 8:15pm

 

Click here to register.

 

I’ll leave you with a song I wrote on my album about siblings. All of the songs on the album have aspects from this post. This one was taken from a loving conversation my kids had over oatmeal one morning. 

“It’ll be oh it’ll be so good to be grown up with you. Cus it’s pretty good to be kids with you too.”

 

10 ways to help your kids get along – Part 1

Before we dive into an info-packed Tune In, I wanted to let you know I’ll be doing a special individualized workshop for parents on sibling challenges. See below for details on how to register. It’s limited to 10 so act fast if you’d like to join.

 

Now let’s talk siblings.

 

Having kids home all day means that they have no other social outlet other than each other. No after-school soccer game to get out their competitive ya ya’s, no class-time scuffle to practice making up with a friend, and no recess Lord of the Flies action to figure out who gets the conch. now it’s just the SIBLINGS. All. Day. Long.

 

And while they seem to be in a never-ending boxing match, we teeter between joining them in the ring, coaching from the corner, and leaving the stadium altogether.

 

This topic is complicated, so I broke it down in two parts. Part 1 is all about IF, WHEN and HOW to intervene.

 

But one thing before we get started. Let’s be real. The stuff I’m about to say sounds great on paper. But pulling it off can be near impossible. Especially right now when we’re pushed to our limits. These are ways of thinking about the sibling dynamics. It’s going to be a lifelong journey to try to be Cuomo-calm with our kids. But every tiny step helps. Ok let’s do this.

 

1. First – Relax. You’re doing fine.
Keep your emotional level dooowwn. This is a biggie and we have to start here. When our kids fight we tend to go straight to a dark place – “I failed as a parent. My kids hate each other. They’re going to be axe murderers” (maybe that last one was just me?) But the thing is, ALL siblings fight. And we all have those same thoughts at some point.

It’s important to remind ourselves that we’re not bad parents and this is NORMAL; it has nothing to do with anything we did wrong. If we can remember this, we may be more able to accept it in the moment and not feel compelled to FIX. So especially these days tell yourself you’re a kick-ass parent because you are doing your very best. In fact, tell yourself it’s great your kids have an opportunity to learn how to handle competition and adversity. It’s going to help them when they run for president someday.

 

2. To intervene or NOT to intervene?
The million dollar question when our kids are fighting is IF and WHEN to intervene. It’s possible that living this constant conflict is the real reason our hair goes grey.

I find that there are three types of fights:

 

#1: The Lion Cub Fight:

Sometimes our kids just need to tussle. It often starts with a playful brush or a provocative jab. For instance, my middle son communicates through physical contact. When he feels distant from his brother or just plain bored he may provoke his brother to get a rise. Next thing you know they are actually fighting, not at all playing.

 

SOLUTION: In these moments of Lion Cub fighting, LET YOUR KIDS BE.

 

Tell them they can continue fighting but not in front of you because it upsets you to see it. Have them go into another room if they’d like to continue. More often than not, if you’re not a witness to it, they’ll lose interest. Part of the fun is seeing if it will get a rise out of us.
These fights are a general expression of the perpetual sibling wound: “you love the other more” and they are just waiting for us to intervene so we can settle it once and for all (Spoiler: it will never be settled. Our love is different for each).

In order to stay out of it, we need to accept that it is NORMAL and reduce our level of stress about it. (See #1)

One thing you could do is say – “This is starting out as play but I’m warning you now that someone might end up getting hurt.” Then it’s up to them. LET THEM BE. They won’t kill each other. If they hurt each other then they’ve learned for the next time.
I know it may feel like you’re walking out on Carole Baskin’s husband being fed to the tigers but trust me. It’s best for all.

 

#2: The Coveted Object:
You’ve seen it happen: an everyday object like a plate, stick, chair, suddenly becomes gold-plated. Both kids want it NOW. As you know, this fight is not necessarily about the object itself. It has more to do with possessing- “What you have looks good.” And then it takes a turn for the irrational. They want THE thing, and then another thing. It almost seems as if the kids want to experience a little scuffle.

 

#3: Helpless Rage:
This one happens when someone feels wronged and reacts quickly. A toy was taken, something hurtful was said. They resort to physical violence because they are SO MAD. And in that moment of feeling helpless, overwhelmed, angry and betrayed, they’re not the best communicators.

 

SOLUTION: In these last two scenarios, support but don’t solve.

 

Here are some guidelines:

 

3. Stop. Pause. Breathe—for US
When our kids quickly spiral into a full-on fight about a thing, our immediate desire is to FIX FAST. Just do anything for PEACE. At that moment we yell, we punish, we time-out, we go extreme. And when that happens, well it never ends well for anyone.

We need to stop, drop and roll. Or maybe just take a breath before responding. There is no rush, it just FEELS like there is. In fact, try to move in slow motion. If we go into it calmly the kids will feel it too.

 

4. Stop. Pause. Breathe—for our kids
When they’re IN it they can’t hear a thing. In their minds, whatever is going on is an emergency. Their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex makes them feel like they truly NEED that cookie, like they might NEVER get that doll back, or like they may have lost their spot on your lap FOREVER. Before we try to give them words to communicate, help them pause. You can say something like: “This is not how we solve conflict in our house.” You can have them both sit, go into different corners, or just breathe. Try to do this calmly, without putting blame on anyone. “Both of you are upset, you both contributed. If you are too upset we can talk about this later.”

 

5. Calmly Buffer
Especially with little ones, you can use your body or hand as a buffer between them. Calmly put your hand between the arm and mouth biting, or between the raised hand and the target. But stay chill, nonchalant. Try to make it look easy (Hey, fake it till’ ya make it). Having you as a calm buffer will take the edge off.
Your job here is not to end the conflict, rather to keep them safe. For all you care the conflict can grow. It is not your responsibility to stop it. You’re just there to keep them safe while they explore conflict.

 

6. DON’T Referee
Whether the clash is Helpless Rage or The Coveted Object, we are not there to conduct an interrogation or judge the details of the scene. It is a given that both sides feel wronged and both need to take responsibility (yes, not just the older one.)
If we get involved in the details the kids will inevitably feel that we’ve taken a side. And then the conflict won’t be about the Lego spaceship anymore but about who we love more.

 

7. DO Coach
Instead of refereeing, coach, especially before the match goes UFC level. Train them how to use words. When they come to you and say, “He took my ball and won’t give it back!” you can give your child words: “Tell him that you were playing with it, and it made you feel angry when he grabbed it.” Or: “Did you like that when he hit you? Tell him! Tell him to stop.” Or: “It sounds like you don’t want your sister touching the spaceship. Say, Can you please not touch that?” Instead of being their mouthpiece, teach them how to use their own words and their own voice. You know, so they can use it against you someday.

 

8. DO Validate emotions
Acknowledge the validity in both sides of the argument. We’re not solving, we’re just narrating what we see. But here’s the key – we’re doing it super matter of factly. Almost with curiosity. “Wow you both really want that, Maybe there is another way…”
And after the tussle we can help them connect the dots that led to it.
“You felt______ when he _______and he didn’t ________.
YOU felt _______and she didn’t ______”.
Since both sides are feeling injured, both are in desperate need of having their feelings heard.

 

9. Accept the Drama
There is going to be a kid on the ground yelling, running to their room, and crying in the corner. That just comes with the territory. It’s our job to accept it fully without trying to change anything. It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s part of the family landscape. Our kids are learning how to deal with frustration. That’s a lesson that we’re all still secretly trying to learn behind our Corona mask.

 

10. Connect before you correct
Only after our kids feel heard can we try to teach them how to manage this type of situation better in the future. “Next time he takes your doll you can say…” But before they feel validated they’ll still be caught up in the injustice they feel and you might as well be talking to their favorite lovey.

 

So let’s go over this again:

Lion Cub Fight > Don’t intervene

Coveted Object Fight > Don’t try to solve > Narrate nonchalantly > Accept the drama

Helpless Rage Fight > Pause > Don’t referee > Validate > Correct for next time

 

Putting them in these neat schemas makes it seem easy. But we all know it isn’t. In fact, I just read this piece to my 11 year old to get his opinion and at point #3 (Stop. Pause. Breathe- For us) he said – “Mama, you don’t do that!” And of course it’s true. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by their aggression that I get sucked in and act rashly. But sometimes I manage to respond with patience and compassion for them and for ME.

 

We’re learning how to be parents as we go. We’re teaching each other and most of all, our kids are teaching us. Just being aware of these things is already a WIN.

 

Next week you’ll get PART 2 which has a whole slew of more important info.

 

Now, as you know sibling solutions are not a one-size-fits-all. Each dynamic is unique, each personality is unique. Which is why I have a new offering. Do you have a challenging sibling dynamic at home? (Right now, who doesn’t?)

 

Join us for a NEW ONLINE WORKSHOP FOR PARENTS. Individualized counseling on how to keep the peace in your home. Limited to 10 participants, meeting twice, for 75 minutes.

Wednesday April 29 8:15pm
Wednesday May 6th 8:15pm

Click here to register.

 

And please, help us out here—did you try any of these tactics this week? Did they work or did they lead you to another solution? Or did you just go hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes (we’ve all done it). Sharing is caring. COMMENT below.

6 Activity ideas for quarantine with a baby

Dear Tunester.

Do you have a baby 0-12 months old right now and are thinking—what the F**k? And HELPPP?

 

I mean, it’s hard enough to have kids of any age during this time. Mine won’t let me finish a thought without coming in to ask me to cut a rainbow, make a sandwich, play a game, or just to whine. 

 

Parenting during the Corona virus FEELS like that period of having a newborn for most of us. But you all actually HAVE one.

 

Which means, on top of  dealing with the insane reality we’re living in and being cooped up inside, you are just trying to figure out how to get through the day with no sleep, and a creature who needs tending to 24/7. 

 

So Tunie, I can’t do your laundry or babysit right now, but I can give you some ideas on what to do with your baby to feel more connected, more at ease, and help  you better speak your baby’s language. 

 

These 6 little gems will help you fill your day with giggles and restful naps. You might remember them from the Baby in Tune class. If you have taken it, use this as a refresher to help during those trying  days. 

 

1. The Mirroring Technique – Mirror your baby’s vocal sounds. Our babies register when we speak THEIR language. You can do this with older babies using instruments or vocals. This is the building block of connecting to your baby, making them feel heard and understood. If you’ve taken the class you remember how this technique can spur on a full back and forth conversation. In fact, this is usually the activity that gets dads feeling like – “yeah! we can hang!”

 

2. Passively Present Play – It takes focus to truly let your baby take the lead. Put aside your thinking self and join your baby with your sensing self. Try the exercise we did in class at home for at least 3 minutes each day. Get on the floor in the position your baby is in. Let your baby teach you how to be fully present and explore like a scientist.

 

3. Hand Gesture Songs – Your baby LOVES hand gesture songs. Remember the three types we talked about? 1. Just using hands, 2. Using hands + body, and 3. Using full body. Try these different types this week. Which ones does your baby like? (need a list? Email me.)

 

4. Rhythm Play – In our class we use rhythm in various ways. For this exercise, pat by their ears so they feel and hear the rhythm in stereo, and see if your baby becomes more alert or calm. Babies LOVE rhythm. Use the songs we did in class to drum on the rug or on pots and pans. Use dynamics (loud, soft, slow, fast), to keep your baby engaged.

 

5. The Songwriting Method – If you’ve taken a Baby in Tune class, hopefully you left feeling like anyone can write a good ditty, even the sleep-deprived parent. In fact, only you can write the PERFECT song for your baby. Using the steps we use in class it takes less than 5 minutes to write a whole song. Try to write your own each day. Go silly, go nonsensical, go poopy and pee-pee if you must. And when you remember the song you wrote the next day, that’s your hit.

 

6. Dance Party – Your baby loves to be in SYNC. And so do we! Dance parties are the perfect way. The best time to do it? Right when you can’t take it any longer. When you’ve been pushed to your limits and can’t change another diaper, bounce, shush, or sway for another second. Yup – around 5:00pm. Need a playlist? Here is mine.

 

Here’s the thing. Caring for a baby, especially right now when you can’t leave the house, is draining. It’s ok to sometimes feel angry at your baby for needing SO MUCH. It’s ok to not feel in love with your baby all the time and need some time alone. 

 

Activities like these can help us feel more in tune with our baby, and more attuned to our baby. When we start speaking our baby’s language through music, we start to understand our baby’s needs a whole lot more.

 

And that leads to more sleep, more peace, more joy, more snuggles, more smiles, more cooing, and less crying.

 

You know – that moment when you are both gazing into each other’s eyes and suddenly who cares if they woke you up every hour and a half? Connecting means shedding some of those indoor blues that we are all feeling right now.

 

And before doing these activities, try our “Three Breaths Technique” to bring you fully into the moment. Take in a breath and on every exhale think of something you are grateful for.

 

So let’s do this. Put the laundry pile aside, forget about the apple sauce crusted on the floor, put your phone in another room, and just be with your baby.

 

 

Do you know a parent of a baby who can’t sing Twinkle Twinkle one more time and needs some SOS activity help right NOW? Send them this.

 

AND – guys, I’ve got a big surprise coming to you THIS WEEK. Stay tuned.

 

COMMENT and let me know what your baby’s favorite activities are.

 

 
 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The ONE thing you should be doing right now

Quarantunie, It’s week 4. Time to be real. 

 

We talked about some activities you could be doing. We talked about ways to feel more present with your baby.

 

But the fact is, the one thing you should be doing right now

IS NOTHING.

 

You know all of those art projects your crafty friend is posting? Screw them.

You know the muffins your baker friends are serially pulling out of the oven? NOPE.

The puppet shows your builder friends are constructing,

The apps your plugged-in friend is urging you to download,

Even the song your Broadway musical friend is writing with her baby.

Forget it. You don’t need to do any of it.

 

You know why?

Because your baby has all the enrichment they need just by being with you all day.

You are keeping your baby safe. Your baby is thriving. Your baby is doing great. 

They’re watching you work, clean, fold, cook, rest, smile, cry. And all of it enhances  their lives.

Maybe they’re even “helping” with the laundry? Kudos.

 

But Tunie, here’s what you DON’T need to be doing:

  1. Berating yourself for not staying on a schedule.
  2. Comparing yourself to your friends who are constructing castles out of cardboard or dolls out of towels.
  3. Feeling guilty for not wanting to play more with your baby.

 

You’re doing a lot, and you’re just trying to keep it together, and that is ENOUGH. Of course you don’t want to build one more magnet tile tower. Unless it has a bed inside it with a door you can close, that is.

 

And guys, do me a favor. I see that invisible whip in your hand that you use on yourself every time you hand your baby a screen. LAY OFF. 

 

Yes, our kids are watching WAY more screens these days.

No, it is not melting their brains. 

Yes, it is keeping you sane and that counts for a lot. Hey, it bought you a shower yesterday. That’s absolutely a win. 

And yes, this period will not last forever.

 

At a certain point things will go back to our normal.

 

We will return to our individual screen limits. We will monitor junk food more consistently. We will not constantly be on edge because we will have the alone time that we desperately need right now.

 

There will be an adjustment period but it will be done. This is not the new reality forever. And when we need to reconstruct our boundaries regarding food, screens, sleep, and behavior, we will.

 

But right now, give yourself a break.

 

You all were very real with me this week. I asked, – “What do you wish someone would say to you right now?” 

 

You said:

  • That my baby is ok. 
  • That my kid can eat more junk right now.
  • That my baby doesn’t need to reach every milestone exactly on target.

 

And most of all: 

  • That you can’t be 100% at both parenting AND working.

 

Haven’t you been telling your best friend exactly this?

 

Because right now we all look like Jimmy Fallon trying to host a show. And all we can do is laugh nervously through it and try to keep a smile.

 

But here’s the best part of this period despite all of your fears—you are giving your baby EXACTLY what they need and want: more time with you.

 

So before you go into the confession room to be punished for your sins, do THIS.

Take that glass of wine. Go take a seat on the couch. And congratulate yourself for being a kick- ass parent.

 

You have kept this boat afloat. Your baby barely feels the shit storm that is happening outside.

And that’s because you are doing a great job.

 

Hoorah.

 

 

Have you had a QuarantineWin today? Maybe a tiny little moment where you felt like you were crushing it, or even just not losing it? Help out a fellow Quarantunie by sharing here. 

 

Do you have a friend who hasn’t showered in days, had to meet with the VP while she changed a diaper and just put the ice-cream away in the pantry? Maybe she needs to hear this. Send her this post and tell her to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In here:

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

6 tricks to win at being present during home-stay

Dear Tunie,

It’s day 1,298 of being home and your kids are driving you insane. I get it. But you’ve also told us in our classes that your kids are also what is keeping you SANE.

They are keeping you distracted from the news, busy with meal prep, frazzled with keeping them out of danger, occupied with keeping them clean, rested and calm.

And all of those tasks mean they are keeping you right here. In this moment.

We don’t have time to gaze out the window and zone out on what-ifs. We don’t have space to lie in bed staring at the ceiling wondering when this will end. We barely have time to shower for chrissake.

You are taking it day by day because that is all your baby allows you to do. So let’s let them teach us how to be fully present in this moment as they are.

Here are 6 ways to feel present with your baby amidst all the craziness going on right now.

1. Schedule time in your day to BE with your baby.
Whether you are working an outside job or not, you’ve got your hands full right now. But if we schedule time in our day when we plan to be fully present with our baby we might not fight it during the day. I bet you spend a lot of your day feeling guilty that you are not actually spending time with your baby. Especially now that you are with each other all day. But being near and being WITH is different. So now that we are all cooped up let’s pencil in some special time, even if it is just a few minutes a day.

2. Make a quarantine music video journal with them
We often think that taking pics or videos pulls us out the moment but I find that this activity brings you in. Lie on your bed together and take a selfie video of yourselves singing a song. Doesn’t matter which, you can even make one up. Try to do it every few days. Let the camera be witness to your present moment together. Doing so may invite your observer self to join which can add another layer to feeling present.

Here’s some inspiration. A video I made with my daughter.

 

3. Let your baby lead the play. You follow.
In this one you can relax. Your job is to just follow your baby around and surrender to their whims. Are they stopping to examine the remote control? Examine it with them. Are they grabbing at the play mat? Are they walking from room to room picking stuff up and throwing it down? Follow them. FIgure out what they are drawn to, what they want to touch, hold, and put in their mouth.

4. Put on music.
You guys. This just does the trick. It’s powerful. It brings us instantly into the moment. It takes us out of our thinking self and into our FEELING self. And that means we pause to explore through our senses. When we aren’t consumed with thoughts we open ourselves to the sounds, smells, sights, and textures around us. Remember that time you put aside to be with your baby? Enhance it with some good music in the background.

5. Pick up the corners of your mouth.
Simple enough, just shift the corners of your mouth into a slight Mona Lisa smile and notice if your ‘tude shifted a little along with it.

6. TOUCH your baby
Doing these remote classes has made me realize how much I normally touch your babies in class – on their toes, their head, their bellies. I’ve been missing it desperately and have really identified with grandparents everywhere who can’t right now. So touch your sweet babies for all of us. Hold their squishy sweet bodies close.  If you follow me on Instagram and Facebook you know I’ve written a song about this recently. I’m about done with it. Come find out how it ends up.

 

Here are two more ways Baby in Tune can help you feel more PRESENT, less guilty, more WITH, less near.

 

Remote classes:

We are now offering 6-packs to be used anytime within 6 weeks. You can come to one class a week or 5 a week. Your choice. Go here to sign up for a remote class a la carte or for a 6-pack at a reduced rate.

 

Free intro class:

This is for any of your friends who have never taken a Baby in Tune class before . This Friday at 11:00am I’ll be doing a FREE remote into class. They can sign up HERE.

 

So now tell us – did any of these bring you into the moment with your baby? Which one? What exactly were you doing? Be specific so we can jump into the moment with you. COMMENT BELOW.

 

Have a friend who could use some de-guilting? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

6 Original Quarantine Music Activities

“Hello, 911? Yes it’s an emergency. My kids and I are stuck inside the house. I’m about to lose my sh*t.
Why yes, I’d love some Emergency Music Entertainment ideas. Like, NOW? “

Let’s do this.

 

IDEA #1: The Human Piano

Set up pillows on the floor in a circle around your child. As you jump from pillow to pillow, sing a different note. Doesn’t matter if it is in one scale or not, aka in tune or on melody! Your baby will quickly catch on.

If your baby is not mobile yet she will watch with delight as you jump from one pillow to the next singing a song. If your kiddo is mobile, she will join your jumping immediately, no doubt.

Get jiggy with it. Challenge yourself to jump further and remember the note that is associated with each pillow. It just might entertain you as much as it will them!

Here’s some inspo to get you going. I love Bobby Mcferrin.

 

IDEA #2: Pots and pans band

Pull ‘em all out. Go ahead. This is not a time to worry about mess. We’ve got some entertainment to pull off here! Plus,  pots are pretty easy to put back once you’re done. Bring out the tupperware too while you’re at it.

And wooden spoons? Yep, them too. Do NOT take out the metal spoons because they’ll bust your ears and no one needs that.

Now, go nuts on your drums. Get tribal. Experiment with the sounds. Notice the different tones each pot and container has. And more than that, notice the sounds that different parts of the pot make. For instance, hitting the rim will sound different than hitting the side, or turning it over and hitting the bottom. Point this out to your child as you do it to help them learn.

The mere [not that chaotic] chaos of pots scattered around you both will be exciting for your baby.

Play like a Times Square subway master during rush hour. Bring down the house.

 

IDEA #3: Make up a song!

Here are two ways to try:

Body parts. This one is a no brainer. All of your kisses and squeezing of body parts lends itself to the lyrics already. In fact, you may have already written this one. But if not, go with a pattern. Say something about your baby’s thigh. Can be as simple as,“Here’s Jonah’s thigh!” Or “I can see your arm, it goes up and down.” And then go with it!

Do the same with all the other body parts you can think of. Bring in the limbs but also the smaller features like nose, ears, toes, etc.

Movement. I bet I can make a list of movements your baby likes to do: Run, jump, spin, crawl, roll, dance, squat and stand, sway upper body, and clap. Good list? Add your own and now let’s put them into a song. Doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, the simpler the better. “Lucy likes to run run run! Run run run! Run run run! Lucy likes to jump jump jump! Jump jump jump….” you get the idea. At a loss for a tune? Use a simple one you know, like “Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

 

IDEA #4: Give the ball a voice

If you’ve taken our classes, you know that we love to play with balls in a musical way. We usually do it with the older babies, but musical ball play can work with all ages. In fact, today in class a mama said that her son’s first giggle came that day when she had thrown up a ball and caught it. He thought it was hysterical.

So what do you do? As you throw up a ball, make the sound effect of the ball. I have a feeling it is some sort of a high pitched “Whooooo!”
If you have different balls, you can make different sounds for each ball. And if your baby is older, you can pass it back and forth and both of you can make your sounds.

Ball play is so much more fun when the ball has a voice!

 

IDEA #5: Make up a dance

I admit it, I can’t help but be inspired by the Tic Toc dances teenagers are doing these days. So what do you do? Become the choreographer of your baby’s dreams.

Put on your favorite song and pretend you are a DJ on a cruise ship. Teach your baby the line dance of your favorite song. Make it up! Use the motions your baby knows how to do.

Hands up! Head bob! Tushie shake! Shoulder shimmy!
You know what? You and your baby may remember this dance forever and may just perform it at a family reunion in 25 years, ala Moira and David from Schitt’s Creek. (Google it. I promise it’s good.)

If you’ve got a baby, hold them as if they are your Frank Sinatra dancing across the room.

Got a toddler? Teach them your dance moves because YES, you DO think you can dance.

 

 

Two tricks to make this a success:

1-Dynamics
With all of these activities and all the musical activities you do with your baby, there is one important trick. Dynamics.
Dynamics can make the difference between your baby losing interest in a second and staying with you throughout.

If you’ve taken our classes you know we use dynamics all the time. What does it mean?

Sing loud, and then soft.
Go fast, and then slow.
Sing with a silly voice, and then your own voice.
Sing high, sing low.

 

2-Rhythm
Every time I do this in class, it astounds me how well it works. When your baby starts to lose interest, or the music becomes overwhelming, (or heck, you just need a breather!), come back to a steady rhythm. Patting on your thighs is sufficient. Bring it back to consistency. It works.

Hey, J-Lo and Shakira are two mamas who recently proved that in a major way.

 

So, did these ideas help you Tune in to a toddler about to combust? Or to a baby about to blow? COMMENT below and let me know.

Do you have any of your own musical fun ideas to get the wiggles out when you’re stuck indoors? Save a fellow parent in need and let us know below!

Most importantly – send this to that friend at home with a baby that you love best. Because sharing is caring.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to deal with our new reality

Dearest Tunester,

Here we are. A new reality. Our normal routine thrown out the window. So how do we deal with this?

Here are my two cents. At least for this week.

 

We take it day. By. Day.

It is so easy to slide into our fears. There are so many unknowns!
But worrying is an interesting thing. We worry to try to prevent something hard from happening in the future. But often we can’t control it, and meanwhile we may actually cause something hard to happen in the present – worry!!

What worry really does is distract us from what we are actually experiencing.

So let’s look around us and see what is happening TODAY.

And we’ll just go one step at a time.

 

We breathe.

Those of you in Baby in Tune classes know that I always do Three Breaths to get us into the present moment. This is such a simple technique and can make a difference in your day. It is just taking in three deep breaths and on every exhale thinking about something you are grateful for. Don’t plan it, just let whatever pops into your head come.

We are all feeling alot right now. Breathing deep can help us allow for all those feelings to exist. It’s ok. Let the feelings that are beyond words wash over you. Denying them is worse.

 

We find ways to lift us during the day.

It is so important to find your sunny windows during the day; Skyping with friends or relatives, finding some time to put everytihng aside and truly be present and play with your child, singing, stretching, jogging, reading, whatever it is.

And if you need us – we are here to add more lift to your day with your baby. We added a bunch of remote classes and they’ve been so fun and heartwarming so far. I love this community. We come together to sing. (Go to the classes page to register.)

 

We acknoledge the positives of the situation.

So many parents in our remote classes are telling us that the situation has brought them closer to their friends and community. I can say the same. Today I will be meeting with a bunch of YOU who I haven’t been able to sing with for a while because your baby started daycare or maybe aged out of my classes. I can’t tell you how excited I am to see you all again.

That is a HUGE plus for me.

Also, my kids have been joining me for some of the remote classes. It’s been so nice to sing these songs with my own babies again.

In addition, there are other benefits to this situation. While there will also be many tragedies due to Covid19, it is also making us reduce polution, reduce waste, care for each other, evaluate our health system, and even evaluate our educational system.

 

We truly take a pause.

This is an opportunity. We are being asked to slow down. To wash our hands of what we’ve been doing and go inward. Can we do it? It won’t be easy. We are used to moving fast, to having what we want at the tips of our fingers,

But I wonder if we can take some items out of our usual to-do list and allow for space? that is what is called upon us right now.

You guys, I sat for a whole hour today and did a puzzle with my kids. I don’t think I’ve EVER done that. I also played Risk with them in the morning (it confirmed my belief that it is the most evil game ever. A never ending sibling rivalry trap.) And in between I did a training for new Baby in Tune instructors and wrote a song.

So I worked, becuase I love working. But alot less than usual.

 

We care for each other.

We are so lucky to have the technology to connect remotely. We need to be practicing physical distancing. But we also have the tools to practice social inclusion. We can rely on each other more than ever as a community. Even if that means virtually.

And we can widen our circle of caring to those who need it desperately right now; Single parents,  parents who just gave birth and are experiencing even more acute post partum depression, parents who don’t have the resources to stock up on necessities, or don’t have computers to give their children access to remote learning.

 

We find some sort of routine to keep us sane.

I don’t mean having an excel sheet with an hour-to-hour plan. I mean having touchstones during your day. Breakfast, playtime, worktime, lunch, rest time, worktime, outdoor time, playtime, dinner, bedtime. That’s how it is shaping up more or less for us. How about you?

This is going to be our reality for a while. Give yourself time to find the anchors in your day so that you can reinforce them for you and your baby.

 

We keep in mind that we can get used to anything.

In a few weeks we won’t be as shocked by this new situation. We’ll be used to having the kids home all day and working from home will feel more normal.

Humans are so adaptive. We will find ways to mold our habits and benaviors to our new reality. We will make the best of it because that is what we do.

 

Before I leave you I want to invite you to how Baby in Tune can help you this week. I hope you will join us for one of these or many of these. We will be adding more to the schedule each week.

A la carte remote music classes!

Tuesday 10:00am (0-5 years)

Tuesday 12:30pm (0-7m)

Thursday 10:00am (0-5 years)

Thursday 12:30pm (0-7m)

Thursday 5:00pm (0-5 years)

Just go to the classes page to sign up. I can’t wait to sing with you.

 

Do you have friends who might want to join? Send them this post or the link to the classes page: www.babyintune.com/classes

How to relieve anxiety. And boy do we need it now.

First of all, let’s all take a deep breath.

 

There’s alot going on these days. We all seem to be teetering between-  “Omg the apocolypse!” and – “Eh it’s just the flu,”  about 10 times within an hour.

 

That takes a huge toll on our nervous system.

So today let’s see how music can help.

 

But first, a story.

 

I’m in monthly supervision with the Baby in Tune instructors and we’re having a tough conversation. 

 

We’re doing what we encourage YOU all to do in our groups – talk about your challenges openly and get support from each other.

 

Normally when we meet, besides talking about topics you all bring up, how to best lead a group discussion, and how we can improve on the music activities, we share our own insecurities and where they might get in the way of group leading.

 

The coversation was open and supportive, but it was also heavy and difficult. At a certain point we desperately needed an energy shift. We needed to release everything that had come up. 

 

So you know what we did? I bet you can guess.

 

Hell yeah. MUSIC.

 

I told the instructors about a group I had where one of the moms shared very upsetting news. After processing verbally, we turned to music to take us the rest of the way into supporting and soothing each other. 

 

The song I turn to in moments like that is “Peace like a River.” I’m not sure why, something about the simplicity of it, the predictable melody, the spiritual but not religious lyrics, does it for me.

 

It reminds me to breathe deeply, bring my focus back to my body, listen closely to the voices of others, and get out of my thinking brain and into my feeling body.

 

I asked the other instructors “What song does that for you?”

 

One mentioned “Landslide” and she sang it for us. Pause to imagine it. We didn’t even dare sing with her because we wanted to hear the calm and beauty of her voice.

 

Another said hers was “Let it Be.” This time we sang along, because we also felt the power of that song to bring us all together.

 

After a couple of songs we realized that the energy in the room had shifted COMPLETELY. We went from tension, insecurity, and anxiety, to connectedness. To feeling. To being fully in the moment and with each other.

 

So this week dear Tunesters, I’ve got two tips for you:

 

1. Share all of your fears and anxiety in our groups.  

That’s what they are there for. At this point you know that our classes are not just about singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider. And if you aren’t in our classes share with a friend or a relative.

As Tom Hanks recently said, quoting Mr. Rogers:

“If it is mentionable, it is manageable.”

But talking doesn’t get us there all the way.

 

2. When you start to feel overwhelmed, find your song.

When you are in the thick of a tough conversation, or find yourself talking about your challenges but not really feeling them, use a song. See if it can help you center, breathe into it, and feel that emotion even more. And if you’re not in a belt-out-loud appropriate place, sing it in your head. Or blast it on your headphones.

I bet you know how I would edit Mr. Rogers’ words just by listening to my music:

“If it’s singable, it’s manageable.”

 

We all have a song. Now find the one that makes you feel more powerful than the Coronavirus. 

 

Do you have a song that immediately calms you or your babe down (or, bonus points, BOTH of you)? Share with us and all the moms out there in need of a battle cry. 

 

Have you been singing Covid19 to the tune of “Come On Eileen?” If not it may be time to start.

 

Have a friend who needs to hear this? Send them the Tuesday Tune In so they can relieve their anxiety momentarily as well.

And tell them to sign up below so they can get more of these.

 

Family dating – the new frontier

In the last post we explored mom dating. But once the kids get a little older,  we are thrust back into the dating scene. This time, it’s Whole Family Dating.

 

Why Family Dating? Because it’s important. We all know the joy of having children can also take its toll on our social life. You know, as in meaningful contact/fun with people who don’t throw tantrums and care about something other than unicorns? It’s like free babysitting, where everyone can have fun AT THE SAME TIME. It’s almost too good to be true. 

 

Imagine the perfect date: You go to your friend’s house, they also have two kids, around the same age as yours. After 20 minutes, you exhale. Your kids’ initial shyness wears off, your youngest leaves your lap and your oldest accepts that the visit to a new home is going to last more than a few minutes and finds something to do.

 

By the end of dinner the kids are playing so hard together they actually don’t want to leave. You’ve been able to have a post-dinner glass of wine with your friends and everyone is pretty dang happy.

 

Never mind the shit show that is about to follow on the way home, or when you get home, trying to put over-tired over-stimulated and over-sugared kids to sleep. But that comes with the outing. Kind of like the way we accepted the nausea, headache, and regret we felt coming home from the bar with friends in our previous lives.

 

All in all, you feel like you just had a great date, and you find yourself fantasizing about more to come. 

 

Why was the date so good? Because there was a matching of all parts. All grown ups, all kids.

 

This, my friends, is the new frontier of dating—and it is so much more complicated than courting/dating that one person  was.

 

I mean, then, we only had to connect to each other. Now, there has to be an intricate meeting of all strands. Family needs to fit family. Everyone has to match! And holy shit, that’s not simple. It’s practically a probability nightmare!

 

And where does this dating lead to? Not to marriage obviously, but to the ULTIMATE GOAL way more coveted than that — THE. JOINT. FAMILY. VACATION. 

 

Now you readers out there with one kid might be reading this thinking “No problemo! If there isn’t a complete seal with each member of the family, my kid can sit on my lap, or they can play separately, or—the easiest option—they can watch a movie.”

 

But your kid will grow. And that just won’t be enough. Also, in order for the ULTIMATE GOAL to happen, there will need to be more chemistry than technology. Trust me.

 

The tricky part is this, your kid will not always get along with your favorite friends’ kid. It’s tragic when there’s no kid magic, but it happens. 

 

My eldest is an introvert. It’s not quite that he didn’t like the other kids at dinner parties, he just didn’t care for them. He felt no motivation to bond with new kids. He had his few good friends and that’s all he felt he needed. Done, end of story. For him…

 

For me, that was tough. I am (clearly) NOT an introvert. I need people, I like people, I want to be liked by people. I want to be invited back.

 

But my oldest son never brought me friends as my other two have, just by being more social.

 

And now I’ll share something even more personal: my husband is an introvert too.

 

What does this mean? Family dating rests primarily on my shoulders. It’s up to me to do the flirting and the scheduling. 

 

And then I need  to relinquish control on the rest.

 

So, because this blog is about giving you practical solutions to life’s complexities with kids and not just talking about them, here are some Tune-in Tips. 

  1. Flirting:
    This goes back to part 1 of this blog, about Mom Dating. Basically the gist is, be yourself. Don’t be afraid to be the imperfect, falling apart at the seams mom. Those are the ones we love.
  2. Scheduling:
    This actually tends to be much more challenging than it should be. My Israeli friends tell me that in Israel playdates and family gatherings are much more spontaneous. They happen daily without any pre-planning. I am not sure what it is about our culture that makes for effortful get togethers. We are all so busy, and our kids seem to be even busier. So with the scheduling, I think we need to take a page from our more laid-back mediteranean parent friends and try to have schedules that leave some wiggle room for more spontaneous meetings.
    Building on that: Are we afraid to throw out last-minute invitations? Do we feel we need to clean the house first? Prepare Pinterest-worthy snack plates? Newsflash: no one will judge you! I challenge you to throw out a spontaneous invitation, and please report back with the details.
  3. The Date:
    It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but my son has been my teacher. We just have to let go. If it is a match, it will happen. If it isn’t, it just won’t. You might be wondering, But what if we just continue to meet with the family? Eventually the kids will learn to get along, right? No. Or maybe. But it might take a ton of commitment on your part because you may have to deal with whiny kids for a fair part of it.
  4. Perseverance:
    Don’t give up after the first time. We have friends that we have invited for dinner but have never been invited back. Does that mean they didn’t match with us? Not necessarily! Who knows what they’ve got going on? With family dating, it can’t be tit for tat.
  5. Take It Down A Notch:
    The ultimate date is dinner or happy hour at a family’s home. But maybe you’re still wondering if there is a match. No problem. There are other less committal dates to be had: Cake and coffee, or meeting at the playground. 

 

Have you had an amazing family date where everyone matched? Where? What did you do? Or was it a disastrous date you’d like to have stricken from the records? Please comment below and hook up all the families in desperate need of a match! 

 

Also – do you have a friend who needs to learn the secrets of Family Dating? Or Mom Dating? Send them this blog! Tell them they can sign up for more Tuesdays Tune Ins below.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

It’s back to dating…

Ladies – You finally did it. You found the person you want to start a family with. Or maybe you even decided to do it on your own. It only took the first half of your life.

 

And what now? Dating again?

 

Yup. It’s Mom-dating time. 

 

You spent the first part of your life gearing up to this family thing and now your life has changed completely.  And now you to find new friends ASAP and get back into the field.

 

And it can be So. Much. Worse.

 

Because now you are hormonal, exhausted, lonely, bored, and oh so very NEEDY.

 

It hurts even to just write that. 

 

When I had my first baby I was a mess. Beyond the exhaustion, nursing went so awfully that at some point my mother said – “please just quit. You need to stop seeing your son as a predator.”

 

I was not quite dating material…

 

But let’s back up. Because the dating doesn’t start in those first months. That’s when we think we can just continue life as usual – going to brunch, seeing late music shows, going to friends’ parties with baby in tow.

 

I’m a cool mom!” you say to yourself. “I am still fun. I still do all the stuff I did before. And my baby is so chill! She just comes along for the ride!”

 

And then it hits hard.

 

The isolation. The loneliness. And if your other friends haven’t had babies yet, well then you’re on your own.

 

So what do we do? We mom date.

We go to classes, we hang at cafes, we chat on FB groups, and we put new found energy into finding our mom buddy.

 

We work so damn hard to conduct a conversation while seeming SUPER COOL about the fact that the baby just spit up on our sweater, won’t eat from the right side and the left side is dry, and we just left our phone in the cab along with our BRAIN.

 

We nonchalantly sit in the cafe across from our date going over our mental check-list:

  1. Did she lose it when the paci fell on the floor and someone stepped on it while walking by or did she laugh it off?
  2. Did she just make a funny joke about the face her baby made, but not in a way that makes it seem like she thinks her baby is overly SPECIAL in any way?
  3. Does she talk about anything OTHER than her baby but nothing too clever or referencing something we no longer are in touch with?
  4. Can we talk about sleep and how to get it without hearing about her last night down to the minute?
  5. Is she falling apart in front of our eyes and seems like a nice person but maybe in a month or so?


– or, the evil of all evils –

 

6. Does she seem like the PERFECT MOM?

 

Ugh. She’s got her shit together. She has the cute diaper bag. Somehow she looks fresh as a bunny and doesn’t look haggard or exhausted. Is that make up she is wearing? Are her NAILS F*CKING DONE??

 

Nope. She’s not the one.

 

You know why? Because there is no perfect mom. 

 

Here’s a secret. The perfect mom is the one you don’t know well. And that mom? She has her break down moments in the middle of the night alone, or on those twice daily conversations with her mom, or sobbing during SNL.

 

You know what YOU need for your friend?

 

The mom who isn’t afraid to say that it SUCKS. That it is hard, and that she has no clue what she is doing.

 

You need the mom who won’t judge you– who in fact will tell you what a great job you are doing even when you cry as you are telling her how hard it was to carry the groceries home while the baby shrieked and you had to pee so very desperately and knew you wouldn’t be able to for a good hour.

 

Here’s the real checklist you need when you go on your next mom date:

  1. Is she willing to be real, honest, vulnerable, supportive and IMPERFECT?

 

That’s your match mama. Now make sure that you are doing the same.

 

Have you gone on the perfect mom date recently? Or the mom date from hell? Let us know. Comment below.

 

Do you have a friend who needs to hear what her checklist should look like as she searches for her mama tribe? Send this email to her and tell her to sign up for the Tuesday Tune In for more.

And I’ll leave you with this: A pic of mama dating that went well as a result of Baby in Tune classes 🙂

Processed with VSCO with av4 preset

  

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to get kids dressed & out the door? This song.

Deer petunias – It’s getting colder and that can only mean one thing: Layers. 

All the endless layers to put on your baby. I know how frustrating it is. 

 

First, you have to find all the pieces.

 I’m talking the socks, the gloves, the sweaters, the hats, the snow suits. 

 

Then, worst of all, you have to get them on your baby. 

 

Music can come to your rescue whether you’re rushing or have some time to do it (that never seems to happen). My advice? 

 

Have a song for getting your baby dressed.  

(spoiler alert: I made up a couple to inspire you.)

 

This is going to be the song that you sing during the entire process of putting all the layers on. You’ll keep singing it even through the tears and here’s why: 

 

Why You Need a Bundle-Up Song

  1. The more you sing your song as you’re getting your baby dressed, the more your baby will associate the song with this activity. Eventually, your baby will know that the song will end as does the dressing – and it always leads to going outside

 

  1. Singing the song will relax you and your baby through the process. If it’s a song that’s fun to sing, then you might even enjoy singing it and that will help turn the activity into a positive one. 

 

  1. If your song involves listing the clothing parts, it’ll help you remember them. And if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably forgetting a whole lot right about now. 

 

Now, what song are you going to sing? 

 

My strongest preference is for you to write one on your own. In my classes, we spend a session on songwriting so that the parents feel more comfortable to start writing songs on their own. 

 

You might already be writing little ditties about what you are doing with your baby. If you are, then the next time you start bundling your baby you can start to sing what you are doing. Try a few different melodies and eventually one will stick. 

 

Another option is to use something that’s already out there. It doesn’t have to be about getting dressed; it can be any song. Or you can use a song that exists and change the lyrics a little bit. For instance: “This is how we put on our socks, put on our socks, put on our socks.” 

 

And, to be a good sport, I just wrote 2 little ditties for you right now. Check them out here. They’re not going to win a Grammy but at least they’ll give you an idea for how simple it can be to write a short song that you can use. 

 

Admittedly: A short song that you will sing for possibly a not-short amount of time until the fingers and toes are sufficiently covered, insulated and secured. But you’ll thank me when you’re out catching snowflakes on your tongue – instead of still in a standoff next to the shoe rack.

 

What wintergear do you usually forget to put on? For me, it’s gloves. No matter how many times I try. COMMENT below and tell me how you do it. 

 

Been hearing bundling-up complaints from another mom or dad? Forward this to them because parents help parents get out of the house alive.

 

 

And if you’re still with me and want more, here is a vlog I did about getting out of the house with our babies.

 

4 secrets to enjoying songtime at home

Hi in-tune parents, 

 

Today, I’m going to let you in on some behind-the-scenes secrets – the things I do to make my music classes more enjoyable I’m hoping that you can use the same techniques with your babies when you play music with them. 

 

Being the leader requires extra energy and confidence. 

 

You know this is true when your babies look to you as an activity/meal leader. The same is true for leading them in how to engage with music

 

As you can imagine, some days I wake up in the morning and don’t feel like teaching classes. I would prefer to stay in my pajamas and be alone. Teaching takes a certain amount of energy and a comfort with being a focal point. It means I need to feel pretty good with myself when I do it. 

 

At this point, I’ve cultivated some tricks to help me get to where I need to be in class so that it is enjoyable for the parents and babies and for me. Invariably, even if I am not able to fully get there BEFORE class, I always leave feeling energized and gratified AFTER class. I consider myself very lucky in that regard.

 

So here we go. They are for teaching but I think you can use them with your baby, too:

 

4 Ways to Lead Musically

  1. Sing from the heart. 

I’ve found that when I dial in the singing in class (or anywhere really) you all don’t feel it and neither do I. But when I take deep breaths while I sing, put a slight smile on my face, and imagine that what I am singing is touching each one of you, I start to feel more grounded. 

So with your kid – fake it till you make it. Even if you are not enjoying playing music together at first, if you take deep breaths and put a smile on your face, eventually you will. Promise.

 

  1. Encourage your child to sing and play music from the heart. 

Once they’re old enough to know the difference between dialing it in and being invested, it really matters. . A big part of my job is making sure that not only I am I singing from the heart, but that YOU all are connecting to your voice, as well. I do this by leading you in deep breaths, choosing a song that I feel would help us connect at that moment, and taking a pause when needed. Often the pause is for myself, so that I can really bring my energy as I am asking you to bring yours. 

 

When we all sing together from a present and grounded place, we all feel it. In those moments, I imagine our voices swirling together in the middle of the circle.

Similarly, when we are drumming together I need to take a moment to ask you all to be fully present. When we can do that together, our music is more cohesive; we enjoy it so much more; and hour babies seem to feel it, too. I hope you’ll feel this way with your unified families’ voices, too. 

 

  1. Take Three Grateful Breaths. 

If you’ve taken classes with me before, you know that in most classes I have us take 3 Grateful Breaths. (I talked about this in one of my blog posts.  Click here to read what I’m talking about.) On every breath out, we think of something we are grateful for.

For me, I often think of music, my hearing so that I can hear all the baby sounds, the freedom to do what I love, and a thousand other things that come to mind in the moment. Try it before you sing with your child and see what comes to mind. It might surprise – and delight – you. 

 

  1. Open up with your child to fully connect. 

I can do these classes by sharing the material and curriculum. That would work and you’d probably get something out of it. But for my own sake, I love to connect with you all personally, too. I tend to have parents in my groups who are authentic, smart, funny, creative, and compassionate (I’m looking at you!).  I always feel very connected to the babies but even more than that to you all. I feel excited to see you, hear about your challenges and your joys of the week.

When you’re singing with your child, check in with them. See what’s making them feel good or feel bad. This connection will only enrich your musical moments together.

 

So yes, you need energy to lead songtime.

But, by doing the 4 things above, leading songtime can also connecting, energizing and incredibly enjoyable.

 

As you can see, it’s not too hard to find ways to make it enjoyable to teach my classes. It really has everything to do with you all. So thank you for singing from the heart, being present, taking in deep breaths, and connecting to me as I do to you. Since you’ve done it firsthand, I know you’ll have an easy time leading your own music sessions with your little singers. 

 

Do you have any rituals you do for songtime with your child? Stretching your bodies or warming up your voices? Comment below and I might just borrow it to use in my classes.

 

Have a friend who wants to sing more with his/her baby? Forward them this post and be their biggest cheerleader.  And then tell them to sign up below.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Sleep and how to get it

Dear Tunesters, 

I can talk about music up the wazoo but the fact is that your biggest chagrin is sleep. I know. That’s why I’ve dedicated this Tuesday Tune-in to sleep and how to get it. After working with thousands of parents and dealing with three babies of my own, I’ve come up with what I feel are the important elements when it comes to sleep. 

 

Did you ever imagine that you’d be thinking about sleep so much? I’m sure that these days you plan your entire day around it – when you’ll feed, when you’ll leave the house, when you (eventually) take a shower, when you eat. It’s all around the baby’s sleep

 

That’s why, from the moment they come into our lives, they RULE us. We become slaves to shuteye. And our babies become our tyrant majesties. But such cute kings and queens! 🙂

 

I’m no sleep consultant and you guys know that’s not my main focus. But I do work hard to make your relationship with your baby the best it can be and sleep is an integral part of that. 

 

Most of us struggle with this at one point or another. There are those miracle babies out there who instantly sleep well at night, but if your baby is anything like my three adorable little night-hell creatures, yours keeps you up through the night. 

 

The frustrating thing about this is that there is no absolute right way. I am sure you know that by now because it applies to all things baby. Each path you choose will have its benefits and costs somewhere down the road.

 

So I’ll share tips that are not dependent on a particular strategy (CIO, attachment, 5 minutes, etc.) but can be used across the board. But the important part is to share with each other what has worked for YOU. Please comment below and let us know so that we can do some important group sharing. 

 

So here are my tips in no particular order of importance: 

 

Tips to Better Sleep 

1.  A white-noise machine

As a musician, I am particularly sensitive to sound. So are our babies. White noise helps to simulate the sound of the womb and helps to block out any sudden noises in the environment. If you have an older kid, this is important. And if you don’t want to be tiptoeing around your own home, this is also important. 

 

2. A lovey

In psychology, the English psychoanalyst Winnicott was the first to talk about transitional objects. The idea is that these objects – like a lovey or a blankey – help our baby transition from needing to be soothed by US to being able to SELF soothe with the help of an object that replaces us.

It is basically a micro version of our work with our children in general. We slowly teach them how to be independent and less reliant on us.

I like those little animals heads with the felt body like this one. It’s nice to put it in your shirt for a couple of days before you give it to your baby so it will smell like you. 

 

3. A lullaby

If you’ve been with me for a while, this should not come as a surprise. I’m not just saying this one because I believe in the power of music to soothe, make us happier and connect us to each other. The lullaby actually does work.

Pick a lullaby; be consistent with it; and eventually your baby will associate the lullaby with sleep and will rub her eyes just at the sound of it. 

Also, it is the perfect way to really connect with your baby before the overnight separation. 

Here’s mine as an example.  Your lullaby should be a song that’s soothing for YOU too. Find one that inspires you to slow down gaze lovingly into the eyes of your babe.

 

4. A bottle before bed

No matter if you are doing sleep training or not, it’s torturous to feel like our baby is crying because she’s hungry in the middle of the night. The best way to quell our own anxiety is to give them a full bottle before bed.

When we breastfeed it’s much harder to tell how much our baby is eating and it leaves us with too many middle of the night anxiety attacks. Knowing our baby went to sleep with a full stomach means they can potentially sleep through the night without refueling.

 

5. Baby talk 

This one becomes more important after about 9 or 10 months but it’s good to start it early on.

Talk to your baby. Tell your baby that you are about to put him into bed. Calmly tell him that you are right next door; that you love him; that you will be there if he absolutely needs you, but that it is better for him and for you to sleep through the night.

The more you talk to your baby in this way, the more your baby will start to understand this.

And parents, this is also for you. Because I know that you need to hear this just as much as your baby does. Talk to you.

 

6. Laying down only half asleep

I know you hate this one but it’s true. Try to put your baby into bed when they are not fully asleep. The best time to work on this is during the day for naps when they aren’t completely exhausted from the day and neither are you.

It’s great to have a mobile in the bed that will help them zone out a little bit until their eyes finally fall closed. But this one only works if you do the next tip … 

 

7. Bedtime before overtired time

This one’s hard. It involves catching our baby before the fussy-overtired-overstimulated-monster-baby takes over.

I know. It can be hard to pick up on the cues. For that reason, especially at the beginning, It’s best to go with time intervals to really help you be aware. For instance, babies around four months old can only stay awake for about an hour and 45 minutes between naps. This means that by the time an hour and a half has gone by you should start winding down.

I’ve found that this is a universal rule-  right when our babies are their most charming, funny and engaged, is when the crash is around the corner. 

 

8. A long wind-down

Think about yourself. When you get into bed it probably takes you at least half an hour to wind down. You might do this with a book, your phone, the TV, meditation or just staring at the ceiling. Our babies are the same way. But they need us to help them wind down.

In my opinion, music is the best way to do this. But no matter what tool you use, be sure to start winding down a good half hour before you are going to put them to sleep. Start to limit the noises in the room; dim the lights; bring down your own energy; and create a calm atmosphere. 

 

9. A fade out 

Once you’ve managed to calm your baby and you’ve found the sweet spot when they are a little drowsy but not overtired, you put them into the bed successfully.

But wait.

Be sure you don’t bolt out of there. That might ruin the whole deal. Take an extra minute to slowly fade out on your lullaby, to let your energy stay soft and calm as you slowly walk out of the room. It takes willpower, time and concentration but it’s worth the effort. 

 

That’s all about getting your baby to sleep. 

Now what about keeping your baby asleep? 

 

It’s important to know that all babies wake up in the middle of the night, just as we do. Our goal is to teach them how to put themselves back to sleep without our help. 

There are so many resources out there about sleep training. So much controversy, so many different types of advice. I’m not going to tell you whether to sleep train or not. I will tell you that I needed to do it with all three of mine, despite high hopes of not needing to.

I can tell you that in my years of working with parents, it is RARE that a baby who woke up often during the night learns how to sleep through the night on his own. They usually need some type of intervening or lack of intervening.

 

All that said,  here’s what I’ve learned and I think this is most important …

 

We all have a different threshold of what we can take. 

 

Some of you absolutely needed to start sleeping through the night at 3 months. Some of you don’t mind waking up a couple of times with your one year old. Some of you hit your threshold at 2 years and decided the baby needed to leave your bed. 

We all have a different breaking point and that’s okay. It’s important to notice our own. That’s going to be the moment when you are ready to take action. Until then, there’s no point in torturing yourself about whether or not you’ll sleep train. If you aren’t at your threshold yet, then you are going to want to believe that you don’t need to do it. If you are at your threshold, you will be ready to do what it takes to get a good night’s sleep.

It takes a ton of willpower and no matter what technique you use it’s no fun. 

But even if you don’t here’s something important to remember:  This does not last forever. I don’t mean that in a seize-the-moment kind of way. I mean it in a this-nighttime-hell-will-pass way.

Eventually, probably within the year, you will go back to sleeping through the night. I promise. By that time, your baby will be a little older and things will be different than they are now. You won’t be in quite the same sleepless haze wondering what someone JUST said. 

Okay. Stop reading. Go to bed. I hope you got some good sleep tonight.

And if you get woken up tonight sing your baby THIS. It is the only protest song I’ve ever written.

So we all REALLY want to hear – What is your best sleep trick? Comment below and tell us.

 

Does your friend need this list?  Send them the Tuesday Tune In.

And they can sign up for more below:

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

My theme song for 2020

Dear tuned-in parents – I talk a lot about having songs for your baby to transition from one thing to another. Diaper to new diaper. Clothes to pajamas. Awake to asleep.

Well, today’s Tuesday Tune-in is about a song for YOU to transition – from this year to next year. 

 

Your theme song is powerful.

 

It can be an acknowledgement of where you are. 

Example: Sara Bareilles’ “She Used to be Mine.” There was a time a couple of years ago when this was my theme song. Looking back on that time, I see that I was mourning a part of myself. The song helped me reconnect through some sadness and kindness to myself. 

 

It can be a motivator to keep going. 

Example: “Eye of the Tiger,” the Rocky theme song. In my twenties, I dated a grunge rocker/ snowboarder. He brought me to his home state of Vermont to learn how to snowboard myself and let’s just say I fell. A lot. On my head. But what I did have was a theme song. Every time I fell, I took a moment to absorb the pain and frustration. Then I found myself getting back up while singing quietly to myself, “Rising up, back on my feet…”

 

It can be anything that makes you feel like your truest self. 

Theme songs have always gotten me going. Not to say that they’re always happy and upbeat.  But they’re always honest. They always act as a reminder of what I need to grow.

 

The amazing part is that most likely your theme song is already playing in your head – as you go to sleep, take a pause in your day, do something that energizes you or something that you dread. 

 

Our mind is like a jukebox with a playlist of its own. And every now and then one record keeps spinning because it is the one we need to hear.

 

For me, for the beginning of this year, two songs have been playing on repeat in my head. Interestingly, they seem contradictory. But dammit – so is life.

 

The first is an oldie, Otis Redding’s masterpiece – “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay”. It reminds me to take it slow, enjoy the breeze, notice the view, and breathe. I think this was actually spurred by one of my sweet students who requested that I play the song in class. Since then its been at the top of my mind and the tip of my tongue every time I pick up the guitar.

 

The second is by 2019’s queen of self-empowerment for women – Lizzo. Her song “Good as Hell” reminds me to locate that little often forgotten voice inside me screaming – “I am the shit!”

 

So dear Tunester, as you plunge into a new beginning, what’s your song? 

 

We don’t need to pick out our theme song for the whole year because it will change many times. 

 

I’m suggesting that we pick out our theme song for these next couple of months. The beginning of the year is a special time. We all feel just a little bit more motivated to do our best, to turn a new leaf, to start a project or to kick old habits. 

 

So your homework this week is fun homework. 

 

On your commute, at home with your babies or on the treadmill; search through new songs and old songs and see what resonates with you. 

 

Having a theme song is like having a friend that reaches out of hand and picks you up when you need it or makes your step a little bit bouncier when it drags. 

 

The best possible scenario is for us all to share our theme songs together. It’s like sharing the lullabies that we use with our babies. It gives us ideas and opens our mind to directions we haven’t thought of.

 

Please share it in the comments so that we can all get ideas.

 

These things are always more fun together. Forward this to your friends and tell them you’ll share yours if they share theirs.

 

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!