Category Archives: Tantrums

When to respond to your baby’s cries

The perfect mother responds to her baby every time they cry.

WRONG!

By now you know that that’s impossible. Not only that, it’s not even what’s best for your baby.

The question is – how can you know when to respond and when to let your baby work it out on their own?

It comes down to these three steps:

  1. Pause
  2. Observe
  3. Respond

Let’s break it down.

First, the obvious. Why is it important to respond?

Attachment theory teaches us that in order to develop a secure bond with your baby you need to be (somewhat) consistently responsive to their needs. When your baby is distressed and you help them regulate they learn two crucial lessons:

  1. They can count on you to be there when they need you.
  2. How to co-regulate so that they can eventually regulate themselves (to learn more about co-regulation check out this post.)

These lessons  allow your baby to develop independence and create close relationships with others.

But responding doesn’t always mean ACTING. It may mean giving your baby an understanding glance. Knowing HOW to respond is the tricky part.

Why is it important to observe?

When your baby is a newborn, responding to them mostly means feeding, soothing, and providing close physical contact. But as they grown their reasons for being fussy and distressed become more complicated.

By three or four months your baby is not just complaining about phyiscal needs but about emotional ones too. Suddenly they’re frustrated that they can’t reach a toy, or upset that you’re leaving, or angry when something is taken away. And as they grown their needs become more and more complicated.

The only way you can learn more about what your baby needs and their subtle cues is by OBSERVING.

That’s where the pause comes in.

When we hear our baby cry to want to act fast. We want to quickly satisfy their needs so that they stop fussing. But that isn’t always the best thing for your baby. As your baby grows and their ego develops they also need to start to learn how and when to soothe themselves or solve a problem on their own.

In order to figure out how to respond, you need to PAUSE and OBSERVE your baby.

Here are some examples of times during your day when it would be beneficial to you both to Pause and Observe before immediately responding with action:

  1. The First Whine

They’re playing with something and start to whine. You see that the toy they want is out of reach. Pause, Observe. Was the complaint momentary? Are they simply uncomfortable and need to roll over? Did they fivure out how to reach the toy on their own? Are they over it and on to something else? 

2. The Helpless Glance

Your baby is trying to do something like put a toy into a hole, stack blocks, or open the door on their own. They keep trying and failing and now they’re getting a little frustrated. They look up to you. Pause, observe. The glance might mean – help me! But it can also mean – look at this annoying thing! See what happens if you assume it’s the second and only act when they need you to.

3. The Questionable Fall

If your baby is on the move they probably fall 27 times a day. Most of the time the falls aren’t serious and are usually followed by your baby looking up at you. In that glance they’re asking – is this something to cry over? Or – was this surprising and a bit painful but I can keep going? Pause, Observe, see what they need. Do they come to you? Do they just need an empathizing glance? Or do they need you to come to them?

 

With all of these situations, if you see your baby becoming more distressed you RESPOND. But when you hit these flagpoints you can pause a second and learn more about what your baby needs in that moment.

The more you do this, the more you’ll learn the body language, facial expreessions and tone they use when they absolutely need you to resond with action.

Important – if we don’t pause and observe we run the risk of teaching our baby that they are not capable of soothing themselves or figuring out things on their own. They’re looking for your cues. And every now and then, your desire to respond might be born out of your own need more than your baby’s.

 

Do you have a friend who’s wondering when to respond to her baby’s crying and when to step back and let her baby figure it out? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for more below.

Want to get daily tips and hear new songs? Follow me on Instagram and Tik Tok.

 

Help your baby develop emotional intelligence

Dear Tunester, develop emotional intelligence by being your baby’s first “therapist”.

Have you ever been to therapy? If you have then you know that one of the things they try to do is to help you make sense of how you behave and why you do what you do.  Often we’re playing out patterns of behavior that we developed in our past, and undersanding how they serve us, or once served us in some way, can help us move beyond them and develop new ways of being.

Guess what. YOU can do the same for your baby. The more you help your child make sense of their reactions and big emotions the more emotionally intelligent they’ll be. 

Emotional Intelligence is what will help them know how to act in a new group, how to make a new friend, how to have strong relationships, and how to be aware of and control their own emotions. 

So how can you give a mini therapy session to your baby that will help calm them in the moment and will develop their EI? 

By doing what I call CONNECTING THE DOTS.

Connecting the dots helps your child understand what led to their tantrum or melt dow and gives them insight into their own emotional process.

How to help your baby Connect the Dots:

When babies (and kids, and adults,) have meltdowns it’s usually not just about the last thing that happened to them.  There is often a sequence of events that led to the final straw. Connecting the dots is pointing out to your baby the hitches that happened along the way that might have upset them so that they understand what led to the final breakdown.

For younger babies you’ll connect the dots of one or two events. For bigger babies who’s memory is more developed and who have more complex emotions you’ll connect more dots.

Here are two examples from my home when my kids were babies:

Example 1:

My daughter was about 9 months when she hit her head on the faucet in the bath one day. She immediately started to scream and held her hands up to be taken out.

She had only just gotten into the bath so I wasn’t keen on pulling her out right away. So after consoling her I wanted to see if she could push through if I helped her connect the dots.

I said – “You were playing and then you slipped and hit your head on this faucet.”  I mimed what I was saying, pointing to the faucet and giving myself a little hit on the head.  Then I pretended to cry and said “that really hurt you.”

You know how sometimes you can almost see your baby’s brain working? It was one of those moments. She stopped, looked back at the faucet, and touched her head. 

Then, since she didn’t have words yet, she told the story in her own way. She pointed to the faucet,brought her head closed to it, and gave her head a bonk. 

I said – “that’s right. You hit your head and it hurt.” Then she mimed it a few more times. 

And then miraculously, she went back to playing in the bath. Once she had made sense of her experience, and had processed it in her own way, she was ready to move on. 

As our babies grow they’ll have more complicated emotions often caused by multiple events. They’ll need more help connecting the dots.

Example 2:

When my son was a toddler he hit his sister one night. In my anger I instinctually asked him – “Why did you do that?” “You!” he said. “What do you mean?” I said. He sat still and finally said: “you got dressed!”

I stopped and took a moment to follow the sequence of events as he had experienced them and it dawned on me. Once I had connected the dots for myself I did it for him (slowly and with emphasis):

“You were angry when I told you we were going out tonight. You and I played ball but then you got upset because I stopped the game and went to get dressed. You were angry at me for leaving you tonight and for leaving the game. And then you hurt your sister who is smaller and can’t hurt you back. But really you were angry at me.”

When I finished he took a big breath. I always know I’ve reached them when they sigh big.

The more we can help our kids connect the dots now the more they’ll be able to do it for themselves as they mature. And that will help them develop self awareness about their own patterns and processes.

Does that mean they won’t be on that therapy couch down the road? Probably not. But they’ll have a good head start to understanding how their dots connect.

For more on how to respond to the three different types of tantrums, check out this post.

Do you help your baby connect the dots to develop their emotional intelligence? How does it look?

 

Do you have a friend who needs some encouragement in helping her baby develop EI? Send her this post and tell her to sign up for future Tuesday Tune Ins.

 

 

 

How to respond to tantrums

Dear Tunester,

This is a post I wish I had read when my babies were toddlers. Tantrums can be relentless, and I might be a therapist and all but my fuse can be short as anyone’s when it comes to a screaming toddler who won’t put on a coat in the dead of winter when we need to leave the house NOW.

I hope that when the tantrum tornado hits, keeping these three types in mind will help you figure out your game plan. Often the most torturous part of our baby’s tantrum is our own conflict about how to react.

Here are the three types of tantrums your toddler might be having, and how to handle each kind:

3 Types of Toddler Tantrums:

 

  1. Can’t Express Needs

This happens when your toddler has a basic need – to eat, sleep, drink, change diaper, but doesn’t know how to express it. Not only that, they’re at the point where the need has overwhelmed them – they’re overtired, starving, or uncomfortable.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Empathize with what’s going on. “I see that you’re tired and hungry. Your stomach must be growling!”
  2. Try to give them what they need.

In an ideal world we’d preempt these situations and not get to the point where our babies are tired and hungry. But after 13 years of parenting I can say I miss the mark at least once a day. Don’t beat yourself up. There are also plenty of times when you’re on it, you’ve packed the perfect snacks and your baby napped exactly when planned. But we don’t hear about it when that happens.

The takeaway here is that when your baby is tantruming because of basic needs, try to satisfy their needs asap.

 

2. Power Play

Power play tantrums happen when your toddler pushes against a limit you’ve set. It might be a safety limit, like touching an outlet, holding scissors, or getting into the carseat, or it might be a boundary you need to keep for other reasons, like not going outside before dinner, or not having another cookie. Either way, its a rule you’ve instated and think is important.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Empathize with their anger – “I know you don’t want to be in the car seat right now and that you’d rather play.”
  2. And then HOLD YOUR GROUND – “…but it’s my job to keep you safe and that means sitting in a carseat.” Sticking to your limit is not only important for your baby’s safety but it also gives your baby the feeling of security they need. They want to know that your limits are dependable and that they don’t have too much power over you.

 

That said, every now and then we’re in a situation when we realize we might have made a mistake with a particular limit. That’s ok! Let yourself be flexible and pivot if need be, just not most of the time 🙂

The takeaway here is that once you’ve set a limit, try to stick with it. You’ll thank me years from now.

 

3. Impossible Demands 

This one is unique to toddler land – It’s when you give your toddler their sippy cup but they wanted the other cup, and you give them the other cup but they wanted the bottle! With the Impossible Demands tantrum you can’t win. There is no rational way out of these tantrums. Your baby simply needs to emote. They are overwhelmed and most likely can’t be pleased by an action you take.

 

How to handle it: 

  1. Make sure your baby is safe.
  2. Show them that you are there for them if they need you.
  3. Allow them the space they need to express their range of emotions unless it is harming them or someone else in which case you intervene and set a limit.
  4. Be sure to take care of your own needs. These tantrums can be very stressful for parents. Know that the storm will pass.

The takeaway here is to truly let your baby have their tantrum and express their emotions. Being a baby is hard. Being human is hard. Hell, I want to have a tantrum all the time. Give them space to do so.

 

Dear Tunester, I personally found that keeping these three types in mind helped me figure out what to do when my own babies were in the eye of the storm. I hope it helps you too.

One of my favorite podcasts for dealing with this stage is Unruffled by Janet Lansbury. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend emulating her approach and calming style when it comes to dealing with toddlers. 

For more info on how to deal with tantrums, especially type #1, check out this post.

Ok dear Tunie that’s it for today. Let me know if this was helpful! COMMENT below and tell me which type of tantrum your toddler had today.

 

Have a friend who’s been grappling with tantrums? Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more weekly goodies below.

4 ways to turn a tantrum around

Hi Tunester,

Today’s post is all about what to do with your toddler when you hit those hair pulling tantrum scenes that you know so well if you’ve got a baby over 12 months:

I want that! No, I want THAT!! No THAT!!!! No No No No!!!

I can do it myself! I can’t do it!! Don’t help me!

Waaaaaaa! (flat down on the sidewalk)

The strategies I’m about to give you are from moms in our Baby in Tune classes and I fully endorse them all. 

Before we go into them, remember your most important first steps – 

  • Empathize.
  • Allow for difficult emotions.
  • Take a breath.
  • Know that it is completely normal and will pass.

Ok. Now let’s look at 4 great ways to handle tough moments.

 

4 Strategies to Turn a Tantrum Around.

 

Sing a song

It’s probably not surprising that this is my favorite technique. When you sing a song as your baby is having a hard time, it does a few things:

  1. Lightens up the mood. It lowers your baby’s (and your) cortisol levels and reduces stress.
  2. Adds playfulness to the situation. Reminds you both that there is another way to deal with the situation.
  3. Offers a solution. For instance, the mom who said she sings a song uses the Hokey Pokey when her toddler is having a hard time getting dressed – “you put your right leg in…)
  4. Is a time keeper. Gives your baby to take a few breaths until the song is over. By that time they might have regained some equilibrium.

(This week I’ll be illustrating these strategies on my Instagram page if you want ot see them in action.)

Find the Game

This is the ultimate cure for tantrums. It can be most effective but also demands the most from you initially.

It’s about finding the play or the game in the situation. The reason its so hard for us is that when your baby is yelling in the shopping cart, arching their back and trying to throw anything in reach, you might not exactly feel like playing. You probably feel like getting the hell out of there as soon as possible.

But if for a moment you’re able to access your super-parent powers that may be dormant at that moment, you can turn the situation around completely. Once you manage to eke out a small smile you’ll be cruising.

Examples:

  • If your baby is having a hard time getting dressed, you might stick your hand into a pant leg and surprise them by turning it into a puppet. 
  • Maybe you put your shopping list aside for a moment and start driving the car around like a car, cutting corners and making car noises.
  • When they don’t want to get out of the bath maybe you take one of the bath animals and act out a scene with them in the water that ends with the animal exiting the bath

 

Stand By

You want your child to know that it is totally ok to have big emotions and to express them in any way that is not harmful to them or others. With this strategy you are giving your toddler the space they might need but are also letting them know that you are with them.  It works best when you’re at home and have time to ride it out with them.

You can say something like “I’m with you. It’s ok. let me know when you’re ready for me to help you.”

The important part is to do this without resentment or anger. You’re standing by and allowing space for your toddler’s feelings.

 

Set a Timer

Sometimes tantrums happen right when you need to get somewhere, get dressed, leave the house, get out of the store and you don’t have the time to patiently let your toddler ride through their peaks and valleys.

In those cases it’s nice to provide your baby with some structure. Having limits can be comforting, especially when they’re in a state of loss of control. It also helps you feel a sense of control and gather yourself before approaching again with patience and compassion.

What you would do is say – “I’m going to put a timer on for 3 minutes. During the 3 minutes you can try on your own as much as you want. Once the timer goes off you’ll let me help you.”

 

Important:

Before, during, or after these episodes make sure you give YOURSELF the same compassion. Let yourself step away for a minute, gather yourself, give yourself a hug.

Better yet, do this for me – high five your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself you’re a kick ass mama. And then get back in the ring.

 

Do you have a friend who needs tantrum help? Send them this post and tell them to sign up below for more helpful tips.

What strategy do you use when your baby is having a tantrum? Is it any of these? COMMENT below and let me know.

 

For more info on different types of tantrums and how to handle them check out this post.

 

What is Co-Regulation and how do you do it?

Co-Regulation. It’s the buzz word of our era of parenting. So what is it?

In extremely simple terms, it means to calm your baby. But there’s a twist. The focus has shifted a bit since grandma raised your parents. 

 

But let’s back up. In order to understand Co-regulation let’s look at Regulation.

What is Self-Regulation?

Self- Regulation is the ability to manage your thoughts, feelings and actions. When you can self regulate you can respond rather than react when you face strong emotions or stressful situations. You are aware of your emotions and have control over how you express them.

 

The Twist

Your baby needs help to regulate. They weren’t born with the ability to do it on their own. However, instead of seeing your role as simply regulating your baby, your role is helping your baby learn how to regulate themselves.

It’s an important distinction that will take you through parenting at all ages. 

Instead of – “I soothe you.”

It’s “I help YOU soothe you.”

(That’s so Jerry Maguire!)

And how do you do that? By Co-Regulating.

 

How to Co-Regulate

I hate to say it parent, but in order for you to teach your baby how to self-soothe you need to first soothe yourself.

Your baby will only start to calm if you are able to convey to them that they are safe and are attuned to. It comes down to the way you use your voice, gestures, affects, and movements.  And your baby is expert at assessing your cues.

Here’s the good news – The more you help your baby cope with moments of stress, the more they will internalize the process and learn how to do it themselves, without your help. So you’re not stuck doing this forever, but it is crucial you learn how to do it now.

 

So how do we actually Co-regulate?

 

1 . YOU self soothe.

Your baby is extremely sensitive to your behavior and emotions. If you’re feeling stressed you might have a harder time calming your baby which of course will agitate your baby more and make you feel more stressed.

This is not a chicken or the egg situation. When your baby is crying, or distressed,, you need to initiate the regulating.

How do you do that? Deep breaths, take a moment away from the situation , call a soothing friend or family member for help, put on music, etc. (Need a Fussy Baby Playist? I’ve got you covered.)

2. Tend to your baby’s physical needs.

A lot of regulating your baby has to do with being attuned to their physical needs – food and sleep.

3. Provide warmth and nurturing.

Convey through your voice, body and face that you empathize with your baby and are there to support them.

4. Decrease stimulation.

Modify your baby’s environment to decrease stress – turn off screens, lower the lights, reduce noise. These shifts are very effective in soothing you both.

5. Label Emotions.

Especially for older babies, give your baby words to understand and express what they are feeling. Teach them what those words mean.

6. Provide structure and routine.

When your baby is having a hard time with a transition rely on routines that comfort them like a lullaby before sleep, a food that they normally eat, a walk that soothes them, etc.

7. Model Regulation.

Have patience for your baby and yourself. Model calmly waiting. Sometimes it simply takes time. Modely self calming strategies like deep breaths.

 

2 Examples of Co-Regulation:

 

Example #1 – When your baby goes to sleep it can be stressful for them. The transition from being with you to parting and quieting down can be hard. By singing a lullaby you convey calm, you lower their cortisol with your voice and the melody, you hold them and help them feel safe and contained.

Eventually, as your baby grows, they will start to sing the lullaby to themselves. Have some of your babies already done this? It’s the cutest thing to hear your baby softly singing to themselves essentially embodying the sense of calm they feel when you do it.

 

Example #2 – Does your baby get upset when they need to part from you? Coregulating might look like another adult holding your baby as you part. They might consistently soothe your baby while being attuned and responsive to your baby’s needs. Through their voice, tone and body they would convey calm and safety to your baby.

 

As time goes on your baby may still be distressed by these transitions, but after having learned how it feels in their body to calm down and regulate  will be able to do it for themselves. And then these moments go from distressing to manageable.

The behavior of the people around your baby help to wire your baby’s neurobiology during the millions of stressful moments that your baby has during their first years.

Don’t worry. You don’t need to be there to co-regulate all of the time.Studies show that if your baby is co-regulated 30% of the time then we’re doing pretty well.

Dear Tunie, we are in especially challenging times right now. You and your baby need Co-regulation. I hope this post helps a bit in finding it (for more advice on how to handle tantrums try this post.)

 

Do you have a friend who needs help with regulation and co-regulation? Who doesn’t? Lol. Send them this post and tell them to sign up for more in the future.

 

Please COMMENT and let me know if this is helpful and how YOU coregulate.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

The Utimate Fussy Baby Playlist

Dear Tunester,

It’s the witching hour. You’re so tired you’re practically bumbing into walls, your baby is fussy even though you’ve gone through the “what could be wrong?” checklist and can’t find a reason, you’re watching the door just waiting for relief to step in so you can STEP AWAY.

 

And your baby is still FUSSY.

 

I can’t come to your home and give you relief but I can help in another way. This week I’d like to give you a playlist for exactly those moments. With winter on its way, you might be spending a lot more time indoors, which means you could have more of these.

 

The playlist that will not only be enjoyable to listen to but will actually HELP you soothe.

 

When I was in your shoes I wanted someone to just do things for me – wash the bottles, make dinner, call the electrician, so that I could focus on my baby (and resting.)

 

So I’ve done it for you. I’ve made the playlist that hopefully will save you during the witching hour which always gets so much worse as it gets colder outside.

 

The musical process of soothing a baby

 

This playlist is going to take you from rhythm, to reggae, to vocals, to guitar, to soft piano, and hopefully to sleep.

 

When I was recording Soothing on Hello My Baby I remember my producer saying – are you sure you want it to be this fast if it’s a soothing song? 

 

But he didn’t have kids. He didn’t know that when we soothe we bounce fairly quickly. And having a good bouncy beat to do that to is key.

 

So here’s your musical journey. Feel free to comment below and let me know which songs to take out or which you’d like me to add. This is a work in progress.

 

The Fussy Baby Playlist:

Click here to go straight to your playlist.

  1. Your playlist starts with “Cry To Me”, a mid tempo swinging song that hopefully reminds you of Dirty Dancing and makes your hips sway as you bounce your baby around the house.
  2. Babies love Reggae. It has to do with the accentuated upbeat. Think 1, and, 2, and, 3, and, 4 . Rock songs put the stress on the downbeats (1,2,3,4). Reggae stresses the AND which adds bounce. The second song on this playlist is one of the sweetest reggae songs out there by Marley the king – “Three Little Birds“.
  3. I’m in a Taylor Swift mood. Aren’t we all these days? The third song is called “You Need to Calm Down“. Its got a groove with a tempo that takes it down a bit from the songs before.
  4. Parents often tell me that their baby listens closely to the voices of other babies on my song “Ah Ah“. It’s also got an upbeat tempo that is still good for dancing/bouncing.
  5. The next song is “New Soul“. In case your baby hasn’t calmed yet I’m hoping this one will remind you how new your baby is to the world and how much they have to work to get used to it. That could make anybody fussy!
  6. We transition to taking it down a bit with the guitar of Paul Simon on “St. Judy’s Comet“. It’s a beautiful lullaby with a medium tempo. Paul Simon has a way of begging his kid to sleep that makes you feel like you’re not alone.
  7. Babies love to hear our voice. At this point in the playlist I transition you both to songs that are vocals heavy. “Mr. Sandman” is the perfect blend of bounce and harmonious vocals.
  8. My “Soothing” song to start bringing it home.
  9. You Were Born” is one of those gorgeous timeless songs that takes you somewhere else. I hope that at this point your baby’s eyes are starting to droop and you have a chance to sit and reflect. You’re doing great, mama and papa.
  10. In case your baby needs more voice, more love, and gentleness here’s my friend Frances England making her magic with “Little By Little”.
  11. Didn’t Leave Nobody But The Baby” is the lullaby of all lullabies. Is your baby calm yet? I hope so.
  12. To help your baby drift off with a slight smile at the corners of their mouth and make you both feel like you’re falling into a cloud, here’s my friend Kira Willey with “How to Be a Cloud.”
  13. For good measure I added my “Sleep” song here.

Click here to go straight to your playlist.

 

Need another excellent tip on how to get through the Witching Hour? Click here.

 

So how did it go? Did the playlist work? Let me know which songs did and which didn’t. COMMENT below.

 

And most importantly, if you have a friend who is heading into winter with their little baby and you want to send them some help during fussy moments, share this post with them.

 

And tell them to sign up for more just like this by adding their name to the list.

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Should I Ignore the Tantrum?

Let’s talk tantrums. 

 

As annoying as they are, the fact that your baby has tantrums means that they’re doing exactly what they should be doing.

 

It’s their way of asserting independence, experimenting with limits, and expressing their emotions. They do it with what they’ve got – their voice and their body.

 

Sometimes your baby may have a tantrum simply to let out all the big emotions that are flooding their body. Not necessarily to change an outcome, but to express feelings. Haven’t you sometimes wanted to yell at the top of your lungs in anger? We don’t do it because we’re grown ups. Your baby can and should.

 

The question is – how are you to respond?

 

Parents in our classes often ask – SHOULD I IGNORE THE TANTRUM?

 

Here’s the short answer. 

 

You don’t want to reinforce tantruming as a way for your baby to get what they want.

 

Meaning, when your baby has a tantrum, let’s say about a thing you just took away for whatever reason, you will be reinforcing the yelling and flailing if you respond by giving it back.

 

Your baby will quickly compute – she took it away, I yelled, she gave it back. Therefore when I yell, I get what I want.

 

On the other hand, you don’t want to turn your back on your baby’s expression of emotions. You want your baby to know that ALL emotions are allowed, even the difficult ones.

 

So how do you NOT IGNORE but also NOT REINFORCE?

 

You ALLOW. You make space. But you DON’T change your limits as a result of their behavior.

 

Here’s how that would look:

 

You baby is tantruming about wanting to get out of the carseat – 

You empathize  with their emotions. “I know this is frustrating. I see that you’re very angry. I know you want to get out of the carseat.”

 

And then you make space for them to express their big emotions about it (unless they are putting themselves or others in danger in the process in which case you intervene.)

 

Here’s the important part – how are YOU feeling during the tantrum?

 

Often your own stress level can spike as your baby has a tantrum and that is part of the reason you may want to respond quickly and JUST MAKE IT STOP.

 

Instead, tell yourself that it is completely normal, try deep breathing, picking up the corners of your mouth a bit, and truly making space for your baby to express their emotions.

 

As they are tantruming you can try to coregulate – say soothing words, give a hug, sing a song. 

 

But sometimes your baby may just need to let it out in that way.

 

And your job is not to IGNORE, but to ALLOW.

 

Want a more detailed set of directions for what to do when your baby tantrums? Check out this post.

___________________

 

So what do you think? Does this sound like a good strategy for your baby’s dreaded tantrums? Comment below and let me know.

 

Do you have a friend who needs to hear this right now? Send them this post and the link below so they can sign up for more.

Tantrums – It all comes down to THIS.

Dear Tunester,

How have you been? It’s been a little while since we last checked in. For those who don’t know, my family has been on the road for a month. We decided to throw it all to the wind, pile into a car, and explore the country this year. All while the kids study remotely and we work remotely. 

 

Crazy? Hell yeah. But what else were we going to do during this nutty time if not live out the dreams we’ve always had? 

 

But today I don’t want to talk about the places we’ve been, how we’re navigating COVID, or the mental preparation I’ve needed to make in order to bridge the political divide with people we meet along the way.  (If you’d like to hear more about that stuff sign up for my travel blog here.)

 

Today I want to talk about TANTRUMS.

 

Because although we are seeing spectacular views, hiking through mind blowing canyons and driving through lyrical prairies, there are no less tantrums than there were before. And you know what? They look the same. Even with the heavenly backdrop.

 

In fact, they’re about the same two things they were when they were babies – FOOD and SLEEP.

 

I remember when I was a girl and we would travel with my family. My mother was the type who could go all day eating only an ice cream cone, and could always do one more thing – one more hike, one more swim, one more viewpoint. I have a few picturesque memories of the view on our cross country trip, but I especially remember long car rides, swimming in hotel pools, and whining

 

When I grew up I realized what I had been complaining about – HUNGER! Not only that, I realized that my father also had mini tantrums on these trips, and they were for the same reason. He and I share low blood pressure. If we don’t eat we get cranky and weak. My mother, on the other hand, can go on empty no problem.

 

Cut to motherhood and me entering with this super-knowledge. I vowed never to reach that point. I stock the car! Millions of snacks! Sandwiches! Variety! We make three meals!  and yet somehow I fall into the same trap. In fact, my kids get WAY more whiny and lethargic than I remember being.

 

Yes, I am asking a lot of them on this trip. We are doing a ton of moving around, walking, seeing, and sleeping in strange beds. But in the end it always comes down to these two basic bodily needs.

 

FOOD. SLEEP.

 

Here’s the scenario – it’s day two of Yellowstone. We are excited to see, hike, explore. And the whining is incessant – “I don’t WANT to go on a hike!” “I want to be in the hotel!” “I don’t want to be on this trip!” “Why are we doing this!”

 

We take a short walk hoping the fresh air will help. The eldest waits in the car. The other two drag along. We get back in the car and the whining continues. I offer snacks, sandwiches, games, all refused. My husband starts to get upset and barks at them. I get anxious and try to quell the tension. It is our usual family meltdown cycle.

 

And then I have the realization – They need a nap! Much like an infant, they need to reset. Anything we try to do before that happens won’t go well.

 

As a kid, back when safety regulations were limited to ‘don’t tie your kid to the roof,’ I often climbed into the back of the station wagon and slept for most of the ride. The tired whiny problem didn’t exist as much for my parents. 

 

So I brought down the axe with my kids. I told them they had to sleep for 30 minutes. And then I bribed them because we do what we gotta do. I told them If they did they would get extra screen time at the hotel.

 

We turned on classical music and demanded silence. Two out of three slept. WIN!

 

We arrived at a trail and all came, no complaints. The two hours went by with singing, joking, photographing, and climbing.

 

Whew.

 

Food and sleep. Just like infants. 

 

Here’s the takeaway. They need those two things and they need US to keep track of them and administer them, even as they grow. 

 

If you have the child who goes to nap voluntarily when they’re tired, congratulations. You’ve got one in a million. The rest of us need to make it happen if we want them to be resourceful, flexible, and (please god) pleasant.

 

HOW to get them to sleep or eat is another story. But I bet you’ve got your last resort failsafe methods. And I bet you use them when it hits you that nothing else will work until you take care of – 

 

FOOD. SLEEP.

 

Parents, we got this. And we definitely have the more important stuff – LOVE.

 

So what do you think? Are those the two primary reasons your kids have meltdowns and tantrums or am I missing something crucial? COMMENT below.

 

Do you have a friend who just pulled her hair out as her baby yelled through the streets? Send her this.

 
 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

6 ways to ease your kids’ transition into fall

Here we are squeezing out the final drops of summer as the sun sets on this season.Can you almost hear John Travolta and Olivia Newton John singing “Those summer, niiiiiiiiiiiihiiiiiiiiights?”

So…now what?

Now we transition.

In past years, I’ve written blogs during this time about going back to school, picking up our routine again, rediscovering our own freedom.

Traditionally this was a time of stress, sure, but also of celebration! Parents would wipe away their first-day tears and then break out in dance on their way home or off to work.

Things are obviously so different this time around. Yes, it’s back-to-school season, but it’s nothing like the picture-perfect parade to school: new backpacks on new, freshly cut hair, leaves beginning to drop from the trees. It feels more like a procession of overgrown COVID curls, walking the plank off into a sea of the unknown.

If you’ve got school-age kids, you are probably feeling a mix of elation by the possibility that the kids may actually leave the house for two days, along with terror of the possibility of them hobnobbing closely with a million other kids, no matter HOW many regulations are put into place.

If you’ve got a baby, you’re probably staying up at night weighing your options— do you keep the baby home all day while you work, or do you send them to a daycare with other possibly Corona-bearing babies?Or should you bring in a nanny who might have to travel on the potentially COVID-y subway to and from your house?

Sure, we have options, but none of them look great from here.

But in all the unknowns, there are two things we do know:

  1. Our time is up. No more debating or hemming and hawing—the transition is HERE.
  2. We’ll put one foot in front of the otherand figure it out as we go.

We all know our kids crave some routine. They seem to fall in line when we manage to hold it together. In the past, school helped out with that. This year, it’s on us. And although we can also cut ourselves A LOT of slack in this regard, it will also help to go into this unprecedented year with a game plan.

 

To help you get through this week, here are 5 ways to help your kids and babies feel some semblance of what September is supposed to look like:

 

1. Music is your friend. USE IT.

I can ‘t stress this enough. Music is powerful, especially when it comes to calming us and setting routines.

During these next few weeks, use music in these two ways:

To reset routines. Round up your bath time music, your bedtime music, your feeding music. Pull out all the stops. Go full-force . It WILL help you reclaim your routine that might have slipped during summer. Here is a post with more ideas about this and why it works.

To calm everyone down. Precisely in those moments when you feel overloaded, when the kids are bouncing off the walls, when you can’t hear another conflicting message from the DOE, put on a song that will put you all in a good place. Maybe that’s a dance song, maybe it’s classical music, maybe it’s Raffi.

 

2. Organize the house a bit.

A cluttered space can easily make for a cluttered mind. I’m not saying you need to do a deep clean. But if you have 5 minutes, make a corner for your kid that says “In this spot we think, we create, we respect our surroundings.” Nothing too complicated. Just a clean corner that invites a new page and makes you feel a little peaceful when you look at it.

For your baby, create a “YES area”—a space where everything is allowed and they won’t get into trouble for touching things. A place where they can do their own exploring independently without you needing to monitor their every move or worrying about them getting hurt.

 

3. Reclaim your bedtime routine

Summer lovin’ throws off all evening routines. Trust me, it happened in my home big time. But it’s time to put actual bedtimes back into place. You know what that means? Beyond knowing what time that will be, it means starting the wind down process waaaaaay earlier than you’d think. The trick to keeping to your bedtime routine is giving yourself and your babies/kids enough time to wind down.

For instance, in our home, summer hours have pushed the kids’ bedtime to 9pm. I am going to do my damndest to move that back at least a half hour this fall. But that means that by 8pm they need to already be IN BED. Once they are in bed they read books, ask for a million things, chat and complain. It usually takes them a half hour to do all that no matter how much I try to minimize it. That means that my reading to them needs to start as early as 7:30, at least until we have this established. (Even as I write this, I’m rolling my eyes at my own suggestion.)

But we CAN do this, people. It takes effort but we know it’s worth it—for their sake and for ours.

 

4. Schedule playdates

This year, since we are deciding on friend pods ahead of time, it will help to schedule these meetings for the week. That will take a HUGE load off us when our kids ask for it daily. It will also ease our own scheduling hell and give your kids something to look forward to. Find two days a week that your kid will have playdates with their one or two friends.

Try to keep to set times at least for the first month or so. That way you’ll be able to say, “Tomorrow you have your playdate with Katie!,” which will be something positive for them to focus on, especially during the tough transition time.

 

5. Schedule FaceTime with grandparents

During the summer we did this whenever it felt right. If you’re like us, it probably happened about twice a week with each set. But as we head into the fall things will be a bit more chaotic. We’ll have more to do while our kids might have less to do.

It will help to think of meetings with the grandparents as after-school activities or even school meetings that they do once a week. For instance, my mother reads with my daughter, my mother in law does art with her. If we can get something set on a schedule, I know that my daughter, the grandparents and I will feel much more relaxed knowing the plan.

I want to be able to say, “It’s grandma Wednesday!”

 

6. Plan your weekly meals

I know you might hate me for even saying this. But if you can actually do some meal-planning, it can take a huge load off. Note: I am not talking about anything gourmet. In our home we’ve got 5-7 meals that we rotate between anyway, so why not have designated nights for them so that the kids can latch onto it and expect it. They love knowing what we’ll be eating ahead of time. I love not thinking about it, and it helps a lot with the shopping too.

At our home our weekly meal plan looks like this:

Monday: Ziti night
Tuesday: Taco night
Wednesday: Spaghetti night
Thursday: Chicken/fish night
Friday: Soup and salad night
Saturday: Leftovers
Sunday: Omelette
Get out of jail free card: Takeout night, for when I just can’t.

For lunches, since my kids will be home all the time, I’ll have a few options which they need to either make for themselves or help with heavily. Those are:

Turkey sandwich
Cream cheese sandwich
Quesadilla
Fake nuggets
Mac and cheese
Nutella sandwich

So there you have it. You now know the full extent of my culinary abilities. What’s your weekly meal plan?

 

Let’s do this, parents. It’s a strange new school year with all unknowns ahead of us. Our kids may be home with us for the entire year, they may be at daycare/school for a few weeks only or they may be there for a while. (Or, if you’re my family, they will be in the car with you 24/7.)

Regardless, the tiniest bit of routine will save us right now and be the perfect antidote to TRANSITIONITIS and whatever else this crazy time tries to throw at us.

 

Do you have a strategy for dealing with this year’s extreme case of Transitionitis? Comment below and let me know what it is. I could use some help myself.

 

Do you have a friend who is biting her nails as she heads into a precacrious fall season? Send her this. Tell her there is more help to come if she signs up for the Tuesday Tune In.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

10 ways to help your kids get along – Part 1

Before we dive into an info-packed Tune In, I wanted to let you know I’ll be doing a special individualized workshop for parents on sibling challenges. See below for details on how to register. It’s limited to 10 so act fast if you’d like to join.

 

Now let’s talk siblings.

 

Having kids home all day means that they have no other social outlet other than each other. No after-school soccer game to get out their competitive ya ya’s, no class-time scuffle to practice making up with a friend, and no recess Lord of the Flies action to figure out who gets the conch. now it’s just the SIBLINGS. All. Day. Long.

 

And while they seem to be in a never-ending boxing match, we teeter between joining them in the ring, coaching from the corner, and leaving the stadium altogether.

 

This topic is complicated, so I broke it down in two parts. Part 1 is all about IF, WHEN and HOW to intervene.

 

But one thing before we get started. Let’s be real. The stuff I’m about to say sounds great on paper. But pulling it off can be near impossible. Especially right now when we’re pushed to our limits. These are ways of thinking about the sibling dynamics. It’s going to be a lifelong journey to try to be Cuomo-calm with our kids. But every tiny step helps. Ok let’s do this.

 

1. First – Relax. You’re doing fine.
Keep your emotional level dooowwn. This is a biggie and we have to start here. When our kids fight we tend to go straight to a dark place – “I failed as a parent. My kids hate each other. They’re going to be axe murderers” (maybe that last one was just me?) But the thing is, ALL siblings fight. And we all have those same thoughts at some point.

It’s important to remind ourselves that we’re not bad parents and this is NORMAL; it has nothing to do with anything we did wrong. If we can remember this, we may be more able to accept it in the moment and not feel compelled to FIX. So especially these days tell yourself you’re a kick-ass parent because you are doing your very best. In fact, tell yourself it’s great your kids have an opportunity to learn how to handle competition and adversity. It’s going to help them when they run for president someday.

 

2. To intervene or NOT to intervene?
The million dollar question when our kids are fighting is IF and WHEN to intervene. It’s possible that living this constant conflict is the real reason our hair goes grey.

I find that there are three types of fights:

 

#1: The Lion Cub Fight:

Sometimes our kids just need to tussle. It often starts with a playful brush or a provocative jab. For instance, my middle son communicates through physical contact. When he feels distant from his brother or just plain bored he may provoke his brother to get a rise. Next thing you know they are actually fighting, not at all playing.

 

SOLUTION: In these moments of Lion Cub fighting, LET YOUR KIDS BE.

 

Tell them they can continue fighting but not in front of you because it upsets you to see it. Have them go into another room if they’d like to continue. More often than not, if you’re not a witness to it, they’ll lose interest. Part of the fun is seeing if it will get a rise out of us.
These fights are a general expression of the perpetual sibling wound: “you love the other more” and they are just waiting for us to intervene so we can settle it once and for all (Spoiler: it will never be settled. Our love is different for each).

In order to stay out of it, we need to accept that it is NORMAL and reduce our level of stress about it. (See #1)

One thing you could do is say – “This is starting out as play but I’m warning you now that someone might end up getting hurt.” Then it’s up to them. LET THEM BE. They won’t kill each other. If they hurt each other then they’ve learned for the next time.
I know it may feel like you’re walking out on Carole Baskin’s husband being fed to the tigers but trust me. It’s best for all.

 

#2: The Coveted Object:
You’ve seen it happen: an everyday object like a plate, stick, chair, suddenly becomes gold-plated. Both kids want it NOW. As you know, this fight is not necessarily about the object itself. It has more to do with possessing- “What you have looks good.” And then it takes a turn for the irrational. They want THE thing, and then another thing. It almost seems as if the kids want to experience a little scuffle.

 

#3: Helpless Rage:
This one happens when someone feels wronged and reacts quickly. A toy was taken, something hurtful was said. They resort to physical violence because they are SO MAD. And in that moment of feeling helpless, overwhelmed, angry and betrayed, they’re not the best communicators.

 

SOLUTION: In these last two scenarios, support but don’t solve.

 

Here are some guidelines:

 

3. Stop. Pause. Breathe—for US
When our kids quickly spiral into a full-on fight about a thing, our immediate desire is to FIX FAST. Just do anything for PEACE. At that moment we yell, we punish, we time-out, we go extreme. And when that happens, well it never ends well for anyone.

We need to stop, drop and roll. Or maybe just take a breath before responding. There is no rush, it just FEELS like there is. In fact, try to move in slow motion. If we go into it calmly the kids will feel it too.

 

4. Stop. Pause. Breathe—for our kids
When they’re IN it they can’t hear a thing. In their minds, whatever is going on is an emergency. Their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex makes them feel like they truly NEED that cookie, like they might NEVER get that doll back, or like they may have lost their spot on your lap FOREVER. Before we try to give them words to communicate, help them pause. You can say something like: “This is not how we solve conflict in our house.” You can have them both sit, go into different corners, or just breathe. Try to do this calmly, without putting blame on anyone. “Both of you are upset, you both contributed. If you are too upset we can talk about this later.”

 

5. Calmly Buffer
Especially with little ones, you can use your body or hand as a buffer between them. Calmly put your hand between the arm and mouth biting, or between the raised hand and the target. But stay chill, nonchalant. Try to make it look easy (Hey, fake it till’ ya make it). Having you as a calm buffer will take the edge off.
Your job here is not to end the conflict, rather to keep them safe. For all you care the conflict can grow. It is not your responsibility to stop it. You’re just there to keep them safe while they explore conflict.

 

6. DON’T Referee
Whether the clash is Helpless Rage or The Coveted Object, we are not there to conduct an interrogation or judge the details of the scene. It is a given that both sides feel wronged and both need to take responsibility (yes, not just the older one.)
If we get involved in the details the kids will inevitably feel that we’ve taken a side. And then the conflict won’t be about the Lego spaceship anymore but about who we love more.

 

7. DO Coach
Instead of refereeing, coach, especially before the match goes UFC level. Train them how to use words. When they come to you and say, “He took my ball and won’t give it back!” you can give your child words: “Tell him that you were playing with it, and it made you feel angry when he grabbed it.” Or: “Did you like that when he hit you? Tell him! Tell him to stop.” Or: “It sounds like you don’t want your sister touching the spaceship. Say, Can you please not touch that?” Instead of being their mouthpiece, teach them how to use their own words and their own voice. You know, so they can use it against you someday.

 

8. DO Validate emotions
Acknowledge the validity in both sides of the argument. We’re not solving, we’re just narrating what we see. But here’s the key – we’re doing it super matter of factly. Almost with curiosity. “Wow you both really want that, Maybe there is another way…”
And after the tussle we can help them connect the dots that led to it.
“You felt______ when he _______and he didn’t ________.
YOU felt _______and she didn’t ______”.
Since both sides are feeling injured, both are in desperate need of having their feelings heard.

 

9. Accept the Drama
There is going to be a kid on the ground yelling, running to their room, and crying in the corner. That just comes with the territory. It’s our job to accept it fully without trying to change anything. It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s part of the family landscape. Our kids are learning how to deal with frustration. That’s a lesson that we’re all still secretly trying to learn behind our Corona mask.

 

10. Connect before you correct
Only after our kids feel heard can we try to teach them how to manage this type of situation better in the future. “Next time he takes your doll you can say…” But before they feel validated they’ll still be caught up in the injustice they feel and you might as well be talking to their favorite lovey.

 

So let’s go over this again:

Lion Cub Fight > Don’t intervene

Coveted Object Fight > Don’t try to solve > Narrate nonchalantly > Accept the drama

Helpless Rage Fight > Pause > Don’t referee > Validate > Correct for next time

 

Putting them in these neat schemas makes it seem easy. But we all know it isn’t. In fact, I just read this piece to my 11 year old to get his opinion and at point #3 (Stop. Pause. Breathe- For us) he said – “Mama, you don’t do that!” And of course it’s true. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by their aggression that I get sucked in and act rashly. But sometimes I manage to respond with patience and compassion for them and for ME.

 

We’re learning how to be parents as we go. We’re teaching each other and most of all, our kids are teaching us. Just being aware of these things is already a WIN.

 

Next week you’ll get PART 2 which has a whole slew of more important info.

 

Now, as you know sibling solutions are not a one-size-fits-all. Each dynamic is unique, each personality is unique. Which is why I have a new offering. Do you have a challenging sibling dynamic at home? (Right now, who doesn’t?)

 

Join us for a NEW ONLINE WORKSHOP FOR PARENTS. Individualized counseling on how to keep the peace in your home. Limited to 10 participants, meeting twice, for 75 minutes.

Wednesday April 29 8:15pm
Wednesday May 6th 8:15pm

Click here to register.

 

And please, help us out here—did you try any of these tactics this week? Did they work or did they lead you to another solution? Or did you just go hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes (we’ve all done it). Sharing is caring. COMMENT below.

6 Original Quarantine Music Activities

“Hello, 911? Yes it’s an emergency. My kids and I are stuck inside the house. I’m about to lose my sh*t.
Why yes, I’d love some Emergency Music Entertainment ideas. Like, NOW? “

Let’s do this.

 

IDEA #1: The Human Piano

Set up pillows on the floor in a circle around your child. As you jump from pillow to pillow, sing a different note. Doesn’t matter if it is in one scale or not, aka in tune or on melody! Your baby will quickly catch on.

If your baby is not mobile yet she will watch with delight as you jump from one pillow to the next singing a song. If your kiddo is mobile, she will join your jumping immediately, no doubt.

Get jiggy with it. Challenge yourself to jump further and remember the note that is associated with each pillow. It just might entertain you as much as it will them!

Here’s some inspo to get you going. I love Bobby Mcferrin.

 

IDEA #2: Pots and pans band

Pull ‘em all out. Go ahead. This is not a time to worry about mess. We’ve got some entertainment to pull off here! Plus,  pots are pretty easy to put back once you’re done. Bring out the tupperware too while you’re at it.

And wooden spoons? Yep, them too. Do NOT take out the metal spoons because they’ll bust your ears and no one needs that.

Now, go nuts on your drums. Get tribal. Experiment with the sounds. Notice the different tones each pot and container has. And more than that, notice the sounds that different parts of the pot make. For instance, hitting the rim will sound different than hitting the side, or turning it over and hitting the bottom. Point this out to your child as you do it to help them learn.

The mere [not that chaotic] chaos of pots scattered around you both will be exciting for your baby.

Play like a Times Square subway master during rush hour. Bring down the house.

 

IDEA #3: Make up a song!

Here are two ways to try:

Body parts. This one is a no brainer. All of your kisses and squeezing of body parts lends itself to the lyrics already. In fact, you may have already written this one. But if not, go with a pattern. Say something about your baby’s thigh. Can be as simple as,“Here’s Jonah’s thigh!” Or “I can see your arm, it goes up and down.” And then go with it!

Do the same with all the other body parts you can think of. Bring in the limbs but also the smaller features like nose, ears, toes, etc.

Movement. I bet I can make a list of movements your baby likes to do: Run, jump, spin, crawl, roll, dance, squat and stand, sway upper body, and clap. Good list? Add your own and now let’s put them into a song. Doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, the simpler the better. “Lucy likes to run run run! Run run run! Run run run! Lucy likes to jump jump jump! Jump jump jump….” you get the idea. At a loss for a tune? Use a simple one you know, like “Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

 

IDEA #4: Give the ball a voice

If you’ve taken our classes, you know that we love to play with balls in a musical way. We usually do it with the older babies, but musical ball play can work with all ages. In fact, today in class a mama said that her son’s first giggle came that day when she had thrown up a ball and caught it. He thought it was hysterical.

So what do you do? As you throw up a ball, make the sound effect of the ball. I have a feeling it is some sort of a high pitched “Whooooo!”
If you have different balls, you can make different sounds for each ball. And if your baby is older, you can pass it back and forth and both of you can make your sounds.

Ball play is so much more fun when the ball has a voice!

 

IDEA #5: Make up a dance

I admit it, I can’t help but be inspired by the Tic Toc dances teenagers are doing these days. So what do you do? Become the choreographer of your baby’s dreams.

Put on your favorite song and pretend you are a DJ on a cruise ship. Teach your baby the line dance of your favorite song. Make it up! Use the motions your baby knows how to do.

Hands up! Head bob! Tushie shake! Shoulder shimmy!
You know what? You and your baby may remember this dance forever and may just perform it at a family reunion in 25 years, ala Moira and David from Schitt’s Creek. (Google it. I promise it’s good.)

If you’ve got a baby, hold them as if they are your Frank Sinatra dancing across the room.

Got a toddler? Teach them your dance moves because YES, you DO think you can dance.

 

 

Two tricks to make this a success:

1-Dynamics
With all of these activities and all the musical activities you do with your baby, there is one important trick. Dynamics.
Dynamics can make the difference between your baby losing interest in a second and staying with you throughout.

If you’ve taken our classes you know we use dynamics all the time. What does it mean?

Sing loud, and then soft.
Go fast, and then slow.
Sing with a silly voice, and then your own voice.
Sing high, sing low.

 

2-Rhythm
Every time I do this in class, it astounds me how well it works. When your baby starts to lose interest, or the music becomes overwhelming, (or heck, you just need a breather!), come back to a steady rhythm. Patting on your thighs is sufficient. Bring it back to consistency. It works.

Hey, J-Lo and Shakira are two mamas who recently proved that in a major way.

 

So, did these ideas help you Tune in to a toddler about to combust? Or to a baby about to blow? COMMENT below and let me know.

Do you have any of your own musical fun ideas to get the wiggles out when you’re stuck indoors? Save a fellow parent in need and let us know below!

Most importantly – send this to that friend at home with a baby that you love best. Because sharing is caring.

 

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

How to get kids dressed & out the door? This song.

Deer petunias – It’s getting colder and that can only mean one thing: Layers. 

All the endless layers to put on your baby. I know how frustrating it is. 

 

First, you have to find all the pieces.

 I’m talking the socks, the gloves, the sweaters, the hats, the snow suits. 

 

Then, worst of all, you have to get them on your baby. 

 

Music can come to your rescue whether you’re rushing or have some time to do it (that never seems to happen). My advice? 

 

Have a song for getting your baby dressed.  

(spoiler alert: I made up a couple to inspire you.)

 

This is going to be the song that you sing during the entire process of putting all the layers on. You’ll keep singing it even through the tears and here’s why: 

 

Why You Need a Bundle-Up Song

  1. The more you sing your song as you’re getting your baby dressed, the more your baby will associate the song with this activity. Eventually, your baby will know that the song will end as does the dressing – and it always leads to going outside

 

  1. Singing the song will relax you and your baby through the process. If it’s a song that’s fun to sing, then you might even enjoy singing it and that will help turn the activity into a positive one. 

 

  1. If your song involves listing the clothing parts, it’ll help you remember them. And if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably forgetting a whole lot right about now. 

 

Now, what song are you going to sing? 

 

My strongest preference is for you to write one on your own. In my classes, we spend a session on songwriting so that the parents feel more comfortable to start writing songs on their own. 

 

You might already be writing little ditties about what you are doing with your baby. If you are, then the next time you start bundling your baby you can start to sing what you are doing. Try a few different melodies and eventually one will stick. 

 

Another option is to use something that’s already out there. It doesn’t have to be about getting dressed; it can be any song. Or you can use a song that exists and change the lyrics a little bit. For instance: “This is how we put on our socks, put on our socks, put on our socks.” 

 

And, to be a good sport, I just wrote 2 little ditties for you right now. Check them out here. They’re not going to win a Grammy but at least they’ll give you an idea for how simple it can be to write a short song that you can use. 

 

Admittedly: A short song that you will sing for possibly a not-short amount of time until the fingers and toes are sufficiently covered, insulated and secured. But you’ll thank me when you’re out catching snowflakes on your tongue – instead of still in a standoff next to the shoe rack.

 

What wintergear do you usually forget to put on? For me, it’s gloves. No matter how many times I try. COMMENT below and tell me how you do it. 

 

Been hearing bundling-up complaints from another mom or dad? Forward this to them because parents help parents get out of the house alive.

 

 

And if you’re still with me and want more, here is a vlog I did about getting out of the house with our babies.

 

How to get through the Winter Witching Hour

Here it comes you guys – Winter is on its way. Evenings are getting darker and that means a lot more time at home with our babies. 

 

Let’s stay calm. We can get through this. 

 

Honestly, if it were just less sunlight on it’s own, then we could deal. But it feels like the last straw on top of already:

  • being bored out of your mind around 5pm 
  • Not sleeping and being basically half a human
  • Feeling your hormones rage high and low.
  • Watching your identity change completely from who you thought you once were

 

Sound familiar? 

 

And the worst side effect to having a baby in the winter? Watching that door like a hawk waiting for your partner to come home.  When I first realized I was doing that I was mortified. Where was the independent, creative, self-motivated, resourceful woman? What had become of me??

 

So how do we get through this? Just. Start. Dancing.

 

It might sound crazy that I think we can solve all of those things above by putting on a song and moving around. But you’re going to have to trust me on this one. 

 

I promise it’s easy. Find a song that you love dancing to. It doesn’t matter how embarrassing it is or how old it is or how uncool it is. It just has to be the song that gets you excited to move. Since you’re reading this now (before that 5pm low), think of what your song might be and put it in a playlist. Maybe even put three songs in that playlist. 

 

When the sun starts to set, scoop your baby up; put that song on; and go to town. Put all the tasks aside and just let your body move to the beat. 

 

Why exactly will dancing cure our woes?

  1. Music is an endorphin. It actually makes us happy. I know that you’ve experienced this in the past so I don’t need to elaborate. 

 

  1. Moving to the beat gets us out of our heads and into our body. And that gets us into the present moment. It alleviates spiraling into that go-to internal dialogue: “This sucks.” “I’m tired.” “Who am I?” “Where is he?” “What do I do?” “I’m SO tired…”

 

  1. Dancing is a workout. As you know, moving our body – even a little bit strenuously –  energizes us in the long run. It reduces stress and releases endorphins and physical tension.

 

  1. Dancing with our baby brings us in sync with each other. Babies love to dance and move to a rhythm. In fact, they do it on their own from a very early age. When we move them with us to the rhythm of the music, we are sinking up our breathing and our mood, all while holding them close. It’s the closest simulation of the womb. 

 

  1. A dance party is like a reset to your evening. Just try it. You’ll see that that mood that you were feeling a minute ago dissipates into nothing. You might even feel a moment of Celebration. You’ve got a lot to celebrate: You got through the day! 

 

So what’s your favorite dance-party song? The only thing we need to do now is share with each other and the longer our list, the better off we’ll be in that dark when we’re watching the door like a Stepford Wife waiting for her partner to save us. 

 

Instead, let’s save ourselves!

 

Comment below with your jam. Let’s make a “It’s 5pm and winter” playlist that’s 100 songs long. 

 

Have a friend who texts you around 5pm each day? They need this, too. Forward it to them now and have a long-distance dance party.

 

Tell them to sign up here for more words of wisdom:

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Parenting Mistakes Through the Eyes of an 8 Year Old

In today’s Tuesday Tune-In I’m going to give you the secret to parenting. 

It’s true. It makes all the difference. And if you ask your kids, they’ll say I’m right. It was actually my son who really drove this lesson home for me. A couple of years ago, he started writing a book that he called “Parenting Mistakes Through the Eyes of an 8 Year Old.”

Clearly, he had a whole book’s worth of material. 

 

That said, Lesson One was simple and important for us all to learn. Actually all the chapters came down to one main idea:

 

Be playful.

 

Or in his own words: “Parents need to be more silly, lighter about things.” When I asked him what he meant, he said, ”Let’s do a role play.” 

 

Example 1: Not Playful

He went to lie on the couch and told me to call him to go to the shower the way I normally do. I did, in a straightforward way,  and he said, “I don’t want to go.” And kept lying there. I said, “Please go to the shower so that we can have dinner.” He said, ”In a few minutes.”

 

Indeed, that was an annoyingly good illustration of how it normally goes.

 

Then he said, ”Okay, let’s try it again. This time, try to be more FUN about it. Find a way to turn it into a game.”

 

Example 2: Not Playful Enough

This time, I called him again with kind of a silly voice and did a silly dance along with it. 

 

He said, ”That’s not it. Try again.”  

 

(Side note: do the rest of you have parenting coaches at home or am I the only one? Is this retribution to me being a kind of a parenting coach?)

 

Example 3: Playful

Finally, I went over and said, ”I’m going to tickle you if you don’t get up right away and run into the shower. You better go quick!” Immediately, he started laughing. Then I tickled him and said, ”Let’s see if we can jump the whole way there.” He got up and started jumping.

 

That day, he reminded me of a lesson that we all need to keep in mind ALL of the time. Our kids want to play. They want to have fun with us. They want to be silly and they want US to be silly. And this is for ALL ages, from tiny babies to attitude tweens.

 

Here’s the thing.

 

Things tend to be very serious all the time in our very important worlds. We get caught up in day-to-day tasks that weigh down on us. Our kids see us working very hard to get things done – to feed them, bathe them, make sure they’re healthy, make sure we get our own stuff done, and put them to sleep. We can get pretty bogged down in a mode of checking things off of our list. 

 

So – We all need a reminder. And I am a girl who loves a challenge. 

 

I challenge you to be playful. 

 

See if you can turn small moments into a game and bring out your silly side whenever possible.

 

But there’s more to this. I’m not just suggesting to be silly. I’m recommending you to do it when you least want to. Right at that moment when your kid pushes back the most – when they are at their most intolerable, irrational and defiant.

 

It’s right at that moment – when WE may be our most tired, most frustrated, and most spent – that we need to remember this approach.

 

Here’s the scenario: You’re trying to get your toddler’s shoes on to get out the door. You’re late to wherever you’re going. Your child has already wanted to change outfits three times, has thrown tantrums over lunch and does NOT want to put on shoes.

 

You just want it to end. A part of you wants to force the damn shoes on the toddler and get going. But you also know that if you do that there are probably 3 more tantrums waiting around the corner.

 

You have no resources left. You feel depleted.

 

This is when I want you to dig even deeper and find that playful place within you. Find a way to be funny, to be silly, to turn it into a game, and to play.

 

I promise you that you will get out of the door so much faster than if you force it.

 

Now I want to hear from you. What are some ways that you turn a tough moment into a fun moment? Comment and don’t hold back because that is when we all need it the most.

 

Know a parent having a rough week? Forward this silly solution to them.

 

Finally, know a book publisher? Send me their info. I think this could be a huge hit . Seriously.

 

Here’s a way to get your friends on this list so they’ll have the secret to parenting too:

Yes! Please send me the Tuesday Tune-In!

Ready? Let’s tackle tantrums

Dear tuned-in parents,

To begin today’s Tuesday Tune-In, I want to tell you how my morning went. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with music and everything to do with tantrums – a parent’s least favorite sound.

Everything was normal to start. I gave the kids morning hugs – my eldest on the couch, my other son on the floor playing and my daughter in her bed. All was well.

And then something flipped.
Peaceful lapping waves raged into a storm and, yes, a tantrum was brewing.

Listen: Toddler tantrums are not all that different from school-age tantrums. They can look a bit different, with more reasoning available, but they take shape a lot like a toddler kicking and screaming on the floor.

The details are never the important part. Suffice it to say that my son was not getting what he wanted. And I was not prepared to budge in that particular moment. Yelling, door slamming, and aggression, too. And then he found a way to exert his ultimate control -A hunger strike.

So what do we do? Both with our toddlers and with our older kids?

Here’s the simple answer: We give them space to have the tantrum.

Pause for a moment. Let’s consider what this means. I don’t mean we watch them having the tantrum and wait for it to end while we boil inside. I mean we truly give them the space to express their emotions in the only way they can at that moment.

After we’ve tried to reason, emphasize and help; we need to accept.

It helps to remember that tantrums are appropriate.

Our kids are desperately trying to understand how much control they have and where the boundaries are.

They are looking to us to hold up limits so that they can feel safer. They want to know that not everything is possible and that we, their caregivers, will keep them safe.

I always think of the image of a pantomime.
You know how they walk around doing that move with their hands pretending there’s a glass wall. That’s what our babies are doing. Constantly asking: Is this where the wall is?

Parenting educator Janet Lansbury has a way to understand types of tantrums that really resonated with me.

She talks about three types of tantrums for toddlers in her work but I find it fully applicable to even my ten-year-old.

(Because you are all awesome you answered my call for pics of tantrums and delivered big time. So these three types will be accompanied by some real life visuals ala the Tune-iverse.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Types of Tantrums

1. Unarticulated Basic Needs

Overview: The toddler wants something like food water or sleep, but because he is not fully articulate and does not always know to ask for things, he gets to the point where it is too late and now he’s been pushed over the edge. He is too hungry or tired.

Response: In those moments, we empathise and try to give them what they need.

We could say something like: “Wow. I see that you were really hungry and it was hard for you to tell me that.”

I don’t know about you but my big kids definitely get to that point as well – and they can speak just fine.

In this situation, we can try to stay calm by reminding ourselves that it is totally natural for our kids to behave this way when they are in this state.

Of course, we can try to preempt it but every now and then we’ve got places to get to and other kids to tend to and we’re not always able to do that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Unreasonable Wants

Overview: The toddler is in a tantrum where the demands are unreasonable. Perhaps the toddler is trying to break out of the tantrum but is not succeeding. That’s when your toddler wants a particular cup and when you bring it he throws it away and wants a different cup.

Response: In those moments, Lansbury suggests that we breathe and we take care of ourselves. We need to trust that the tantrum needs to happen right now. Our job during the tantrum is to keep our baby safe.

These storms pass when we allow them and when we don’t push back on it or try to fix it. Easier said than done I know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Power Assertions

Overview: This is when we’re setting a limit or we’re saying no to something that we feel is important – whether it’s a safety, educational or health reason. (this is where I was at this morning.)

Response: We stick to our limits during these tantrums.

The important part is not to change our minds because we feel uncomfortable with the screaming and crying.

When we do that we can make them feel that their feelings scare us in some way. We give them the message that we will rescue them from these difficult feelings. In doing that, we teach them that if they push those down, then the boundary might move.

If we can keep our limits and show our children that it is ok to have feelings around it, then we teach them that we think they are safe there.

The bottom line with each of these types of tantrums?
We, as caregivers, need to know that is okay for kids to have them.

It’s okay for them to have difficult emotions. The more we can allow space for it without trying to fix it the more our children will know that it is perfectly safe to have those emotions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what happened with my son?

When I picked him up from school, he ran over and gave me a big hug. We embraced for a while.

I said, ”We didn’t get to say goodbye properly.” He said, ”I know. And I regretted it all day.” (Isn’t nice that he is old enough to say that? It is in your future!)

I told him that it is ok that he got angry at me. That I just wanted him to be safe.

We agreed that next time we would try to say goodbye in a nicer way no matter what, even if we are still angry and may need to continue to work it out later.

I told him the bottom line: ‘I love you so much no matter how angry you get, how many doors you slam, and despite the sandwich you left at home.

But let’s work on expressing your anger in a more productive way before you turn into the hulk.’

So you tell me – Do these types resonate with you? which one of them have you survived recently ?

Comment so we can all work through one of the toughest parts of parenting together.

Know anyone struggling with responding to tantrums? Send them this hunger-strike story so they feel less alone. Power to the parents.


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When you feel distant from your kid, do THIS

Dear Tunester,

This week’s post is a super simple strategy for tuning in that you can try out immediately. Like right now. It’s fun; it’s easy; and it a superpower:

This game can repair a temporarily broken relationship with your child.

 

Every now and then I feel like one of my kids drifts away from me a bit. Sometimes it’s because he or she is going through a rough patch and is acting out more than usual. Other times it’s because the others needed more attention during that period. Or maybe it’s because I have been busier than normal and somehow that kid got lost in the shuffle.

 

For instance:
Currently, my eldest seems to be more aggressive with his siblings and more defiant toward me. Connecting with him is more of a struggle while connecting with the others comes more easily and more naturally at the moment.

Last month, it was my middle who seemed to constantly be on the edge of a tantrum. I found myself keeping my distance a bit from him, not wanting to set him off.

 

Our relationships with our kids ebb and flow just like the ones we have with our partners, friends and family members.

But when it comes to our kids, it’s up to US to notice the rift as quickly as we can and make an effort to repair it. That said, it’s not always easy to be the grown up.

When I am in this state, I need a jumpstart for the process of repair.

 

That’s when I play the “Why I Love You” Game.

It’s pretty simple. Ok, here goes:

  1. Say to your child, ”Let’s play a game. Let’s take turns saying to the other person why we love each other. I’ll start.”
  2. Say things that are very specific to your child’s personality. Use sentences that begin with “I love you because … “ or “I love how you …”.Examples:
      • “I love you because you laugh at little things that sometimes annoy me at first but then I see you laughing and I realize it is funny.”
      • “I love you because get very excited about what you are learning at school and you love to share it with me.”
      • “I love how you make up silly songs. They are so funny!”
      • “I love you because you try to find ways to help people around you.”
      • “I love you because you always give me the biggest warmest hugs before bed.”
      • “I love how you build things and you get so involved in your creations.”

Now imagine that you are in one of those difficult periods with your kid when it is harder to think of these positive things. Your rough patch is so rough right now that you can only think of reasons why he or she is driving you crazy. Don’t worry. It is ok. We have all been there at one point or another. It just means you have to look past the provocative behavior and pinpoint the charming ones.

Examples:

      • “I love how after you get very angry about something you always come back to me and find a way to give me a hug.”
      • “I love how when you feel overtired or overstimulated you know that you need to find time to be alone and read.”

 

What are they saying meanwhile? It doesn’t even matter.

They might even surprise you. They might be more perceptive than you think. They might just make your day with the reasons they love you.

Reminding each other of your love can be the first step toward reconciliation or reconnection.

In fact, we should all go around doing this to the people we love ALL THE TIME.

 

You know why I love you all?

I love you because you take the time to read what is important to me.
I love how you trust me to make music for your family.
And I love you because you share your most precious relationship with me – the one with your babies.

 

Have a thousand reasons you want to write down before you forget? Comment here with what you’ll tell your child tonight.

Have a friend who’s been in a rift with their child? Forward them this email and let them know sometimes a parent and child are only one game away from reconnecting.